Relationship Relationships And Its A Touchy Question?

[emz315]

Hi,

Question on combat ptsd maybe for supporters and sufferers.

considering my partner is currently in avoidance,isolating etc and has mentioned that "he does not want to be touched right now" he is so on edge and jumps just with the slightest touch.

I see him on sundays at the moment face to face i just wanted to ask In these circumstances is there anyway of getting him to try to touch.... for example asking him if he can do this for me and try holding my hands.... also providing that reassurance to him when doing it? Is there harm in trying?... Also i wanted to ask if asking the question do you feel safe with me? or do you trust me is okay?

Thanks emz315

 

[Deleted member 20280]

From a Combat Sufferer, if he is going through the avoidance stage and isolating, you will I am afraid have to be very step-back and gentle with him. I could tell you my trauma's, trust me, some will make you weep tears. He clearly does not want to burden you with his dreams which to be honest would probably make most of your nightmares rather tame in comparison, I know mine would.

As far as walking together hand in hand goes, remember to at the moment ask permission to touch. I know it is difficult. but also remembering that for the sufferer it is not about what May happen, for us it is all about what 'Already' happened.

I hope this helps

Laurie

 

[emz315]

Thanks @Santa_Laurie ....Laurie i mean... very much appreciate the feedback.. i think i have been doing the permission thing lately anyway in the last few weeks....i wasnt before but have learnt alot...it is very very hard not to just grab him and hold him but i know i cant right now. I actually for the first time the other day ....saw a very angry episode which involved smashing the laptop across the room and then having a fight with glad wrap resulting in him going upstairs and giving himself some timeout... i left him alone then went up an hour later

He just started recently getting extra therapy during the week probably in the last 3 weeks when he started withdrawing,isolating, anger, the jumping only functioning on 3 hours sleep a night aswell as still trying to function at work (which amazes me ).... do you reckon this could be the reason this is happening... like the trauma of pandoras box is opening?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Timeout is good not just for him, you need to look after you remember, Time out is totally necessary for BOTH of you. You cant look after him unless you are in a safe place to do so.

I unfortunately apart from the members of this forum have no physical supporter. I am not bitter any more either as my ex wife could and would not have been able to handle my explosive triggers and I would not with my triggers and episodes on anyone.

:hug:s if you accept

 

[emz315]

@Santa_Laurie (laurie)...i am enjoying the timeout also :)

We are all supporters in one way or another....you just helped me alot and thats a great gift to me

Hugs accepted

 

[Deleted member 20280]

You are very welcome. IMHO if we as sufferers and yourselves as supporters were to liaise and engage closer, we could both appreciate PTSD from both sides much better.

 

[Friday]

A difference I tend to notice between people with combat trauma & other traumas is that the touch thing isn't from not feeling safe in the traditional sense. "You're safe." Tends to be a pretty useless statement to me. I know I'm safe. You're not safe. Not lashing out either impossible/extremely difficult, or it makes my skin crawl. So either exhausting, or nauseating.

When I say I'm not feeling safe? It's not my own security I'm talking about. It's not feeling like I'm a safe person to be around.

Ditto, crowds. It's not that I'm afraid of crowds. I'm afraid of how I'm going to react in a crowd. It's exhausting and overwhelming constantly scanning for danger/ what's different. But it doesn't come from a place of fear. It comes from being on the offensive: ready to attack. I'm hunting the danger, not trying to avoid it. The anxiety attacks coming from the fight-response kicking into high gear. Not flight response.

True for everyone? Nope. Just a trend I've noticed.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Ditto, crowds. It's not that I'm afraid of crowds. I'm afraid of how I'm going to react in a crowd. It's exhausting and overwhelming constantly scanning for danger/ what's different.

YUP........ ME TOO!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

"You're safe." Tends to be a pretty useless statement to me. I know I'm safe. You're not safe.

Oh yes ... I have seen this, too. <3

~S2B

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm with you there Friday. It makes me wonder if that might be why I can't stand it when I'm sitting on our couch and my son is sitting so close to me that his leg is against my leg, and he moves around and plays on the couch so he is constantly rubbing against my leg and touching my leg even though it's more than likely by accident it just drives me nuts. It's like I have to have some space around me so I can react and not hurt him in the process. I have to have him either sitting on my lap or sitting next to me with about an inch in between us at least.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

My guy has no problems with touch but I noticed he dislikes the things he dislikes far less when he can move. He dislikes crowded places but has no problems with somewhat crowded gyms.

so I can react.

 

[holdenmonty]

oooo yeah I remember my wife talked me into going black Friday shopping a month after I got back from my deployment and I couldn't handle it with all the people bumping into me. I had to find spaces where there was no people so I could calm myself down.