The Supposed See-saw

[AlmostFellForIt]

Hi all,

I'm curious as to the prevalence of those here to vacillate in and out of depression.

I was diagnosed with PTSD around 3 months ago, have had about 7 therapy sessions since. I'm predominantly a Flight type person, am highly functional and have sustained myself by remaining adrenalised (without my own awareness) and done pretty well at it. I have never from memory had any serious bouts of depression, I'm too aloof for it, I seem to be able to cognitively reinvent myself and move on before it strikes. My Therapist seems to be surprised and beside herself at my ability to do this and has forewarned me that a period of intense depression may occur with me the more I 'therapize' myself and disable my Flight mode defences and soak in reality.

The last 2 weeks have been intense in my personal life. I'm looking down the barrel of a lost long term relationship, someone I love, and self pressure on me is mounting as I try to implement what I've learned in therapy to try and stop this. If ever there was a time for me to find energy it's now but at the moment I have no energy and just want to sleep. I fear this may be the onset of what she's talking about.

Can anyone relate to this or has been in a similar position?
Does there always "need" to be depression bouts or is this simply not always the case and will depend on the person?

 

[ekane]

I was similar to you when i was in college. Had never been depressed. Then the PTSD was set off by my insane mother having an episode (she is what they call a 'malignant boderline', very abusive). After that I dealt with depression every year. You need to sleep if you can at all. Your brain needs all the rest it can get. Your partner needs to understand that your brain right now can't put in any more effort. PTSD is a huge deal, a brain injury essentially. Would your your partner expect you to run laps if your leg was broken? Would your partner expect a toddler to be able to emotionally support its parents? Its backwards, irrational.

If they can't deal with that then your partner is not really a safe person for you to deal with in your recovery process. Put yourself first. Its crucial now more than ever. Communicate and suggest that your partner also pick up a book or research online so they understand what PTSD means for you in depth. They cannot realistically expect much energy from you right now. Its irrational.

Thats all you can do.

That being said, yes most people experience depression but of course there are some who don't. Take pressure and judgment off yourself because that only makes things worse.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

. Would your your partner expect you to run laps if your leg was broken?

Interesting way of thinking about it, I agree it's like a physical injury, if not worse.

If they can't deal with that then your partner is not really a safe person for you to deal with in your recovery process

I hear you. She's going through the psychoeducation with me to some degree. I can't hold her responsible if she doesn't understand.. I can't say if I would get it if I was in her shoes.

. That being said, yes most people experience depression but of course there are some who don't

My fingers are crossed for myself , I guess I'll find out soon enough !

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm diagnosed with major depression but I don't experience it like people with major depression do. I am fine until my system gets overwhelmed and then I crash. This is not typical MDD. My crashes don't last that long usually. MDD is more of a constant low.

I'd be shocked if someone told me they have ptsd and didn't ever experience a crash or low. I'd say their ptsd was more on the mild end.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

I'd be shocked if someone told me they have ptsd and didn't ever experience a crash or low. I'd say their ptsd was more on the mild end.

I know I've been depressed at times, with both depressed feelings and depressed thinking. I remember one time almost being catatonic, I lay on the bed staring at a wall for what must have been 2 hours, it wasn't even like anything was wrong though, it honestly felt like I'd just run out of battery so I just went blank...with the biggest concern being I was almost thoughtless and numb, my GF asked what's wrong to which I genuinely replied, "nothing I don't think, just can't move for a bit".... then came through it. It always went the same way though, I'd wallow in it for a few hours, maybe a day or two sometimes ruminating and getting depressed then I'd catapult out of it. In hindsight I didn't know what it was at the time. Now I think about it the worst probably went for maybe 4-5 days.

I once told my therapist that one day I was depressed and It was a welcome relief from anxiety, and genuinely I was actually happy as stupid as that sounds. I couldn't fathom 6 months or more of that though, it must be hell, I feel for anyone that's like that, and I guess thats what I'm fearing.

 

[illusionist]

I have crashes as solara describes....I go from a prolonged low( though I still function relatively well) to a total crash that lasts a week to two weeks. So I do get a warning of what is coming.

 

[Jane.l]

I coped for a long time 'reinventing' but because I was not confronting the real core issues I would eventually fall back into the same patterns just in a different guise - 'reinventing' clearly, is a short term solution or we wouldn't both be in therapy with PTSD, so instead of keep sticking on a plaster endlessly, therapy is about healing the wound, but it is a very difficult, painful process, with lows and crashes but we are really at a point where there is no option but to go through that because there's not an option. I sonehow get by just taking a day at a time and dealing with things as they come up, looking at the bigger picture screws me up.

 

[Mit]

Yes I have bouts of depression, sometimes so intensely I think suicide it the only way to escape the feeling. In between I experience varying degrees of anxiety, from worrying about trivial things, to major panic and absolute terror, which can be very hard to cope with. At it's worse it has lasted several days, during which sometimes I have chest pains and thought I was having a heart attack.

I can go for weeks, occasionally even months without a major depressive episode (although anxiety is much more frequent). Stress is certainly one trigger, but sometimes there is no trigger at all.

So yes for me to vacillate in and out of depression is normal. The frequency and intensity I assume is down to the individual and personal circumstances.

As has already been said plenty of sleep is a major weapon against depression (so I have been told and read). Exercise is supposed to be good too, especially vigorous exercise, but any exercise is helpful.

And I have found mindfulness helpful, when I find the time to practise it.

I hate depression. It is a life wrecking illness.

 

[Fred Derry]

PTSD is a most unforgiving master. You can pay up front or you can pay after, but you will pay.

I survived using the same set of skills thinking I could beat the system. Now I know everybody crashes and it's okay because keeping up a facade like that is utterly exhausting.

Good luck and stick with it as long as you can. You may not realize it yet but your strength hasn't left you, it's just learning to work more efficiently.

 

[sun seeker]

I have a low-grade depression that has been there through most of my life. I never remember having as much energy or enthusiasm as others, and have to work more just to get through the day.

Overlaid on this is a cycle of bouts of extreme anxiety followed by depression followed by a brief lull when my life seems to come together, followed by anxiety again, and so on. Both always coexist to some degree, as well.

Depression and anxiety seem very different, but they have one thing in common: neither has to do with the "fight" option of fight, flight or freeze. Whether there is something genetic or environmental that predisposes a person for one or another of these, I don't know. PTSD sufferers are often expected to react with outbursts of anger, but I hardly ever do this. I learned long ago to go into one of the other responses.

Over long observation, I've seen a pattern. It starts when life is relatively good. Then anxiety ramps up because I am trying desperately to hold on to anything good I have, not trusting that it can last. Then something goes wrong, a loss of some kind. It could be a job, a relationship, or something more subtle. I don't have "fight" in me to protect myself, so I go straight into depression. Freeze. Despite a lot of work on myself I still feel helpless to get myself out of that state, so I just kind of wait around until something good comes along and I have the energy to pick myself up and start again. I used to believe when things were good that my problems were solved, but through years of observing I know the cycle goes on. Someone asked recently about depression as an emotional flashback, and I relate to that concept. Any kind of loss triggers the state of helplessness and despair I had as a small child.

Your situation sounds different. If you haven't gone into depression before, it may be less of a problem for you. Your brain hasn't had the time to set down the neural pathways that take you there immediately when something goes wrong in your life. I hope that is the case, anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm predominantly a Flight type person, am highly functional and have sustained myself by remaining adrenalised (without my own awareness) and done pretty well at it. I have never from Link Removed had any serious bouts of depression, I'm too aloof for it, I seem to be able to cognitively reinvent myself and move on before it strikes.

Hey - your description reminds me of me from around 18-30 years old. So, because I'm projecting, a few observations - because looking back, I can see exactly what the pattern of my depression was, but while I was in it, I didn't see it (until it became undeniable). Every 8 weeks or so I let myself take one or two "sick days" from work because I just couldn't imagine going in, being around people, showing up and walking and talking. I didn't consider that to be depression, but it happened to be concurrent with trouble sleeping, zero appetite, weeping, suicidal ideation...however, because I was not manifesting the classic symptoms of a major depressive episode in the extreme, I did not consider these to be serious bouts.

Over my 30s, my low periods were longer and my 'bounce-backs' got shorter, and then there was an inciting incident and I went into a major depressive episode. Which I still didn't really credit as major depression, and didn't have diagnosed until quite a while later.

Now I have 2 kinds - my chemical depression and my trauma depression, and they behave differently.

My Therapist seems to be surprised and beside herself at my ability to do this and has forewarned me that a period of intense depression may occur with me the more I 'therapize' myself and disable my Flight mode defences and soak in reality.

I think this is a real phenomenon. But what I've also learned is that for people with dysthemic depression (which is that low-grade cycling kind; dysthemics often describe themselves as 'born this way' and because they don't really go higher than 'not too bad' - so bottom is 'really really bad' and baseline is 'I'm normal-down and top, the good days, are 'not as bad as usual') - anyway, a very high percentage of dysthemics are likely to have a major depressive episode in their mid to late 30s, if they've never had one and never been treated for depression. Science has a correlation between this and the continued compromised ability of the brain to either make or properly recycle neurotransmitters. Eventually, like a car running out of oil, things work harder and harder until they freeze up. I say oil, not gas, because unlike with gas, you can't necessarily just put more juice into your body via medication and away you go, not if you've been at diminished capacity for awhile. And this is one theory behind treatment-resistant depression, which is a bitch to have, and should be avoided at all costs.

/end depression lecture. But, I guess the bottom line is, yes, things might be about to get worse. But try looking back and see if you have a slight pattern of occasionally missing work, or going for periods of no appetite, or bouts of insomnia - none of it will look too bad on the surface, but it could be signaling an organic depression in addition to what is happening because of your trauma, and might need a two-pronged approach.

Also: it's good you are talking about it now, and it sounds like your therapist has her eye on the ball.

 

[AlmostFellForIt]

Thankyou all for the replies, everyone is so willing to help, the information is definitely helping.