"feeling" My Abuse During Sessions :(

[Dootsbec]

I am struggling telling my therapist. Every time we bring up my abuse I dissociate/panic because I have this body memory/physical flashback (not sure the proper term for what I'm experiencing). I'm hoping this is normal and I'm horribly embarrassed by it. I've sometimes "felt" my abuse randomly for years. My sexual abuse was not violent or forceful (that's one reason why I feel embarrassed, like seriously? This shouldn't be SUCH a big deal right?) My T knows about these moments but doesn't know it happens in session quite a bit. Even just discussing the abuse at all makes me vividly remember the feeling of abuse. Like a flashback I'm aware of--and then of course I start to dissociate. I need to find the courage to tell my T cause it's such a huge issue in my life! Every time I go to tell him I instantly freeze and dissociate. UGH so frustrating! I just wish I knew what was happening to me....

 

[Recovery4Me]

Clicked like to let you know that you were heard. Welcome to the forum Dootsbec.

This shouldn't be SUCH a big deal right?

Be gentle on yourself and consider sexual abuse is a big deal to most everyone here. So you will be listened to as well as supported in a safe, friendly environment.

Every time I go to tell him I instantly freeze and dissociate.

Consider a trick a few of us use or have used ...write it down and then hand it to the T. In that manner, you have taken the step you desire. Glad you are among us. Keep posting!

 

[Ice_Fire]

I agree with @Recovery4Me about writing things down that we find hard to say out loud to our therapist. It's a good way of getting things out there and making a therapist aware, whilst being a little less scary to do.

As for the physical flashbacks, a lot of people suffer with that and the body remembers. Abuse is abuse, and the way someone with PTSD suffers with it tends to be similar. The nature of how violent or not it was isn't relevant on one level, it's not any type weakness on your part that you're having these awful physical flashbacks.

 

[Dootsbec]

Thanks for your replies. It helps to know there are so many people out there like me. I always believed I was weird, and abnormal and it's very comforting to know I'm not some crazy person! It is good advice...to write my T--but what if he gets annoyed and MAKES me say it?!

 

[Recovery4Me]

-but what if he gets annoyed and MAKES me say it?!

Consider that there are times to practice boundaries and IF you are not ready...simply say, "No, but thanks. I am not ready yet." -or- tell him or her, "Help me." Both are strong positions to practice in a supposedly safe place with a professional T.

*One- boundaries
*Two- asking for assistance
Courageous!

Take what you need and leave the rest.:hug: (You can always say no...to me to practice too!):clown:

 

[Rumors]

Great follow up @Recovery4Me...

 

[finding_my_way]

I'm kind of in your situation. I had a sexual assault that "wasn't that bad" (a minimization, because if it impacted me, it obviously was that bad no matter what literally happened). Now, I feel the assault happening a lot. It's embarrassing because it is sometimes just feeling his grip squeezing me until I bruise, but there are times it is sexually feeling what happened - sexually responding in a way I didn't when I was so panicked in the situation. That is so hard to handle and I can't even admit that to my T.

I don't have any advice on how to present this to your T, but you are not alone. Whether your body remembers the pain or the sexual component or both, you are not alone.

 

[Recovery4Me]

That is so hard to handle and I can't even admit that to my T.

Glad that you found courage to expressed it out loud. Some of us have shared this before (so I am trying to awkwardly offer that it is part of the healing process). Be gentle to yourself and fight any shame as it is false shame for you. Shame belongs to the offender only. Consider offering your heightened state to your T as this is movement and deserves exploration.:hug: *Horrible yes, but possibly promising for your healing if reviewed.