Relationship Reckless Behaviour

[Sighs]

It's 9pm. It's pitch dark. There is no moon due to cloud cover. My vet has taken one of our ex-racehorses and gone galloping out to a neighbours paddock because he heard shots and saw lights.

He wants to find out who was shooting and what they were shooting because he has been tracking a trophy deer for some weeks. Deer season doesn't start til the weekend.

Meanwhile I'm stuck at home wondering how long I leave it before I go looking for him. And worrying that I'll find him lying somewhere with a broken neck. Or if the shooter knows the difference between a horse and a deer.

There is no telling him that this kind of thing is mad. He would just be furious that I was being negative and not helping him.

I really hate this feeling. What will I do when one day he does get killed on some crazy adventure? He just says he doesn't want to die of cancer or end up in an old age home so.... I don't really find that comforting. Sigh!

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I hope he's home safe now and you have managed to relax. I can't imagine how anxious you must have been x

 

[zeckster81]

Did he get home? Sounds like fun living on a farm where you can go riding anytime you want!

 

[Friday]

Drat the man! How are you supposed to help with no night vision goggles, roof perch, & sniper rifle? Long distance target acquisition training? Where are your radios??? How are you supposed to coordinate without coms?

 

[ekane]

Easier said than done, but with practice you can do it -- I would suggest detaching yourself emotionally during these moments so as not to pay any energy or feed into his dramatics. You might actually be validating his drama by accident, by adding more adrenaline and cortisol into the equation. Try something different. Calmly and quickly express that you think whats hes doing is stupid and then pretend to not give a damn. Don't engage in a dramatic argument or feed into things by doing some dramatic search. You know how many thousands of people see lights and hear shots and no human gets hurt? Realistically he'll be fine. Did you find him dead in the wilderness yet? No, and you wont becuase he will be back home alive and in one piece relatively soon.

Since you know what he is doing is insane and you can't control him, set an example for extremely calm and rational behavior and try to use reason to push down all the anxiety/worry in yourself. He may even be addicted to getting reactions out of you. And you say he'd be mad because you didn't help him? He wants his wife to help him run out into the dark wilderness at night during winter to seek out a violent scene? Hmmmm what a safe, sane, and protective husband - not! What sane man would want his wife anywhere but safe in her home at night??? You already know its wrong so... Stop playing the game. I've seen this pattern before especially among macho men who have emotional wives then blame them for being "negative" as you stated. Zoom out. Take the control away from him in this dynamic.

In case you didnt know, this is a more subtle abusive dynamic. Men who create excess drama from thin air, here he has taken on some imaginary heroic role (when you know there is nothing he can realistically fix by trotting off into darkness), and then he gets to come home and likely ridicule you for being "negative" - a common chauvinistic code word for men who can't handle women who are realistic and safe.

There is a quote from I don't know who or where, but it basically says "Who is really insane? The homeless man rambling on the corner, or the man who engages in an argument with him? For anyone who walks by such a sight, it's clear that both men are totally insane."

Don't be either of those men. Don't even engage during these moments of what is hopefully very temporary* and infrequent insanity. Next time he does something lime this, sit and watch TV. Make popcorn. Get in the phone and laugh with a friend. When hubby comes back don't even ask about his irrational wanna-be-hero adventure. Say goodnight and get ready for bed.

 

[Sighs]

He made it home. He was gone an hour. His only comment when he got back was "He's a f*cking good 'orse!"

@Purplemunchkin - thank you for your understanding and empathy.

@zeckster81 - yes - the farm is awesome!

@FridayJones - if I had a dollar for every time he says "No comms - no bombs"...

@ekane - If he were a civilian I might be inclined to agree with parts of what you said. But as a career infantry soldier his idea of what is acceptable risk is a little different to most peoples. There is no drama at all. He makes a perfectly calm decision and acts on it. I have no doubt that he weighed the dangers of a mounted night patrol against the benefit of possibly locating fresh tracks / sign and decided it was do-able. Its just that my opinion was that the risk outweighed the gain. I guess I wouldn't have made much of an infantry commander.
On the one hand you seem to be telling me not to worry - he'll be fine (and with respect you don't know the terrain he's covering - its very steep country covered in tussock grass which conceals wombat and rabbit holes - my main fear is the horse falling and landing on him) and on the other hand you describe his actions as insane.
He doesn't expect me to run out into the dark - he expects me to grab a saddle, bridle etc while he catches the horse and then he expects me to be ready to take out a vehicle if necessary. He won't tolerate negative comments because he sees it as bad for morale. He's had plenty of experience leading men into risky situations and he knows the importance of mental attitude and teamwork.
He doesn't need to create "wanna-be-hero" drama - the medals on his chest on Anzac Day prove he is a genuine hero.
Having said all of that, I appreciate you taking the time to comment and I can see merit in what you said - I just don't feel its applicable to our situation.

 

[Friday]

No coms, no nookie. (Half in jest)

Honestly, it might be too triggery for him... Or he might be made to understand that the likelihood of poachers having bombs is slight compared to the risk that they might loop back around to the house and take you unawares, while he is out and unable to protect you, not knowing what's happened to you. Adapting to changing circumstance is something that we can sometimes do well. When provided with proper motivation. Like threat to our loved ones. There are encrypted, password required, no-mobile-network-required radios that are freaking hard to track. It might kick off a new obsession for him (warning)... Finding secure communication options (in the city, I use burner phones, because they disappear amongst millions of other mobile users, while UHF etc. stick out like a sore thumb. Backcountry, SatPhones. Ski areas, radios. Throat mikes hard wired into a radio, or jacked into a phone are less discoverable than the Bluetooth throat mikes & hands free ear pieces. It's more personal preference than anything).

 

[Sighs]

no, no - he's just complaining generally about the lack of comms. I think they used to say "no comms no bombs" when he was a mortarman. We live in a rural area and have very patchy mobile phone coverage at home. I can usually get a signal if I go and stand on a hill in the paddock, but if there is cloud cover or strong wind sometimes not even then.

We tried using hand held radios for a while. That worked well until the battery died in mine so he could hear me fine but all I was getting from him was a loud squawk. Massive misunderstanding where I thought his radio was damaged and he was injured and and asking for help and he thought I'd taken leave of my senses.

Now we tend to have planned actions on and staged RV points with fall backs if he doesn't make the RV within the designated timeframe.

I had our dog with me (doberman cross - official title - Head of Close Security) so I don't think he was worried about my safety. He rode out about 8km so the poachers weren't close by.

Never a dull moment being with him!

 

[ekane]

@Sighs I wish I understood better... I don't understand why he expects or wants you involved whatsoever in his choice. Why he wants you to grab a saddle and get a vehicle etc... When you have stated that you didn't agree with the assessment and choice of action in response to hearing shots. He can act one one way but expect you to be involved is quite another thing.

And then you are "not allowed" to say anything negative which unfortunately still is an unfair/imbalanced power issue, which means you always have to agree with him for him to be satisfied in such situations. Again PTSD is one issue, but this need for your compliance and involvement is something extra. Being called "negative" for disagreeing is something I hope he stops doing to you sooner than later.

And yes clearly he is a hero due to past military service, and will be for eternity, but had the choice to venture into the night to seek out the source of the gunshots etc truly been heroic, you would not have had to post about this calling it "reckless" behavior, which indeed created dramatic energy even without an animated discussion, so to speak, such that you found yourself genuinely concerned that he may be found dead outside somewhere. You would have been proud of any current heroism as you are proud of his prior service.

I totally take your word for it that I don't understand the situation, but one thing that is always in your control is how much anxiety you let yourself feel when you do see him behave this way. Since he is going to act like this, you might as well at least practice feeling more at ease internally when it does. Way easier said than done I know. But I also know from experience its much worse to keep worrying at such a high level when a partner is reckless, it makes it much harder to focus on what you can try that is different, and what you can and cannot control. I wish i understood more to help. I hope the other commenters ideas help, and that your partner continues to work on healing and improving over time!

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet has taken one of our ex-racehorses and gone galloping out to a neighbours paddock because he heard shots and saw lights.

Never a dull moment being with him!

Oh lordy, glad he is home safe... that'll give you grey hair! I don't think there is much you can do with combat-hardened infantry guys, because the mere suggestion that they NOT check out gunshots is just ludicrous to them.

My vet will pull similar shenanigans, and I have just learned to keep mum and chain smoke until he gets back. He once chased off people who were breaking into his garage armed only with his cane. On the bright side, I never have to check strange noises in the night :ninja:.

 

[Sighs]

@ekane - Its a military model. You can't have two COs (Commanding Officers). Instead you have a CO and a 2IC (2nd in command). The 2ICs job is to provide an independent opinion, but ultimately the decision lies with the CO. The 2I's opinion has to be constructive. The 2I can't say "That's mad. You can't do that." The 2I can say "Take a headlamp" or "Check the level of the creek before you cross it" or even "Wouldn't it be better to wait until morning and check it out in daylight?". But once the CO has decided then the 2I MUST put shoulder to the wheel and make every effort to enable the mission to succeed.

I'm not always the 2IC. In some circumstances he will say "You have the Con on this one." And stick to his word. He was 2IC plenty of times in his infantry days. He's happy to take on that role from time to time. But he is a natural leader and the most alpha male I've ever met. Watching other men react to him is interesting. Even alpha males will tuck in behind him without a second thought.

My parents have spent 50 years fighting about who is the CO in their relationship. (My father is also a combat vet - my mother refuses to ever be 2IC.) No thanks!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm not always the 2IC. In some circumstances he will say "You have the Con on this one."

Evidently I'm Kitchen-Six... I try not to let it go to my head.