GoldenSnakeGentleman
Silver Member
Hi everyone, I'm 41 years old guy coming to 42 this year.
This is going to be a long, long post I think.
Ok here I go.
At the young age of 27, which was 15 years ago, I was considered to be pretty good at what I was doing.
I'm one of the few people who managed to get a start-up going, doing some web development which was pretty popular at that time. It was going well at first, then something started to happen to me.
I couldn't know, I couldn't tell what was going on at that time. But this was how I felt at one point in time
which is wierd. Everyone, I mean, everyone, including my business partner who was my best friend, my acquaintances, slowly, became my "enemy". Unknowingly to me at that time, I was actually profiling them, and assessing them, sort of giving each and everyone of them an evaluation of their threat level.
I couldn't tell this to anyone, except for one friend whom I told him just very vaguely.
To make it worst, at this point in time, I was recalled back to the Reservist Unit, where I had to be with people I don't know. And worst of all, my PTSD, or, my expertise, tells me I was being evaluated and monitored by my section "mates", my platoon commander and my OC. It sucks. It really sucks. And I love the range, I am good with my rifle, so I'm suppose to enjoy it right, but no, the firing, the firing it triggers something. I couldn't sleep well at all in the bunk with these "mates" who are actually evaluating me.
It made my condition worst, and I would go back to the unit, then back to the office after 1 week.
This could go on for awhile, and my friend in the office which we set up together, could tell that something was wrong with me. He did asked me if everything was OK. And one of the worst things that could happen, was the nightmares. We would, as programmers, stay the night in the office for some development and chatting. And we would spend the night there in sleeping bags. And I would get my nightmares, which I woke up screaming, and my partner he was just like SHIT are you alright. I would just wake up in the middle of the night, looking at the washroom, which we had inside the office, thinking there was an enemy inside the unit.
Afterwards, it all spiral downwards, as I lost my ability to sleep at night, I would go out and wander and do god knows what stuff. And, instead of sleeping at night, I would sleep in the afternoon when I was so crap tired from not sleeping. And my best friend would be so pissed off that he dragged me (in the sleeping bag) across the office. And not long after, the business we had going, had to fold.
I was told to go and see a psychiatrist, I can't remember who told me to go, but I went, and I was expecting the psychiatrist, a lady, to talk to me, but she only spent like 10 minutes, and sent me off with some depression medication. I saw alot of doctors and the worst statement I had was "we couldn't find anything wrong with you, so you just learn to live with this", or "you look perfectly fine". And I went for MRI, and EEG, and took many different types of medi
And it just gets worst and worst for me, afterwards, I couldn't work for 3 years, and if I could, I was only working for 1-2 months, then quit, and repeat this pattern all over again, for the period of 3-4 years.
It was especially hard for me to leave the house. I remember on one occasion, I was standing at the door, reaching for the door knob to leave the house, and i just froze there, it was like I was already going to turn the knob and go outside but I just froze. I just kept thinking if I go out there I will DIE. There is going to be an ambush outside, it is not SAFE. Its crazy, but for the better part of those 3 years, I kept myself locked in the house, I can't even go out with my wife, we were newly married. These events and my behaviour really bothered her, to make it worst, I had depression which developed during period.
I got really bad emotional issues, anger issues, and I would get mad at her, anyone, for no reason, and my wife would be really upset. I would be lying on the bed the entire day, and she would say "What's happening to you!", and cry. Sometimes, she can't take it and locks herself in the washroom crying.
One of the craziest things that happened to me in the house during that period of 3 years was this incident. That afternoon I woke up pretty late, once again from not being able to sleep the night before. And as I look out of my window and see the rooftop, of the high-rise flats beside our residence, the sun was orange and just causing the entire building to have a orange glow, with some late afternoon shadows. And what happened next was crazy, I immediately think "SNIPER ON THE ROOFTOP". And I actually dropped to the floor and leopard crawled out of the bedroom, and in the living room, the entire room was burning, the windows were tattered because bullets were flying in from both directions of the room. It was so f---ing real, but I was hallucinating. I leopard crawled to the kitchen, reached up to get the water mug I was wanting, and crawled back to the room from which i recovered. And it is just crazy. To this day, I am afraid to totally "remove all obstacles" from the window, I am afraid to let people from the outside see the interior of the house. Because it would mean that the shooter at the outside, can fire at us, at me, i feel especially vulnerable. I also contemplated suicide many times, and actually was about to do it, jump off the building, had a woman not saw me from across and screamed. She saved my life.
After the 3 years locking myself up, I began working on and off, and finally in 2006 I decided to just go "suck it up" and work at this MNC. For the sake my wife, so that I could take her for holidays and buy some good stuff for us. For the 5 years I was in that company, every single day was hell for me. I had to stand the train commute, the walk to the office, the office itself and the journey back. There was SO MANY PEOPLE, I was so tired at the end of the day as throughout the day I was on high-alert, scanning everyone, every corner, every room, every cubicle, for ... the ambush. It was so bad to the point, I was the only IT senior consultant who works alone from the server room. I would alone there, I would lunch alone, I would dread going to meetings, going to the cafeteria, it was HELL. I have NO absolute idea how I could have endured the 5 years. And it had to end, I began losing my temper and actually showing it, smashing an umbrella into half, smashing glasses at home, and I was told to leave at the year 2011. And I had been jobless since, not counting the 1-2 month job I had after that, I tried but I just went AWOL 2 months into the new job.
I was lost my memories, I can't remember alot of the stuff that was going on before we had the business started. I can't remember my classmates, which pisses me off. Recently, from the efforts of one of my college friends, we had a "facebook reunion" of sorts and I actually cannot remember one of them being in the same faculty as I am, in the university. My memories are like shattered glass, and remembering things is like picking up pieces of those fragments one by one.
Last year, I came across this method used by U.S. veterans to help them in their PTSD, its called the E.F.T. tapping method. So I actually followed the tutorials that are freely available on the internet. I was following the tutorial by a Mr. Brad Yates, and as I did the tapping and following what he was saying, I actually was reduced to tears. And afterwards I did this for several days, and on the final day, as I was lying down on the bed, I suddenly remembered my childhood. The memories just come like that. I was really afraid I could forget them again, so I wrote them down in a letter and gave it to a friend.
In my childhood, I was sexually abused by my biological mother one night when i was like 4-5 years old. Its amazing how I can still remember the lights that night along the corridor of the unit we were living in. I can't remember all of my childhood but I can remember that night with huge clarity. And it began a growing process for me which is obnoxious. The abuse would go on until I was nearly 20 years old. I would be peeped at while bathing, on uncountable occasions, when I was in my teens, she would peep at me while I was doing what any young male teenager would do in the bathroom (don't want to be explicit). I couldn't sleep at night because she would ... and I slept with like one eye closed and the other on the doorway, every single day. One night, when I was already in college, I woke up in the middle of the night, and realised she was beside the bed kneeling and touching my private parts, and my biological father was looking at her doing it. I froze in bed and kept quiet until they finished.
These torturous days till i was 20+ had an effect on me, I would not allow my parents to touch me for a long period of time, and I became aggressive at home, and I couldn't go back after work when i started working, I would go clubbing or drinking until 2-3am before heading back. Not forgetting to mention many occasions where the abuse took on other forms, like once my biological mother smashed my pet fish to its death, just because I was trying to give it some fresh water.
Last November 2014, I lost it while in a queue at a shopping mall and smashed up a corner of a shop, just because I couldn't stand the crowd, the sounds which startle me, and I became really aggressive and almost wanted to beat up another guy when me and my wife went to another store to get her a mobile phone.
Till now to this day, as I am writing this long post, I am aware of whats going on outside my house, the perimeter of my house, I only feel safe in the "base" which is my house. Outside of this, I'm nervous, anxious, I am aware of the movements going on in the unit above me, below me, beside me, even a bicycle which comes by the block of residence, would alert me. I treat every stranger I meet on the road as a "possible threat". I seem to be able to assess them very accurately and it pisses me off that the government is doing this for assessment, either that OR my PTSD tells me this guy "is a enemy agent" who is trying to harm me. And when guys like me encounter events like this, we do what we do best, feed the "enemy" with fake intel and screw up the enemy's intelligence efforts. This nightmare, this PTSD "effect" had me going on a "mission" for 14 years until last november 2014 when I lost it.
That was when I started to talk, to really talk to my wife, and admit how I was feeling, the anger, the sadness, the constant awareness of the surroundings, the assessment of every single person we come into contact, evaluation of the surroundings for security, and how any single sound, loud coughing, slamming of the door, car horning, loud engine noises, movement in the unit nearby me (we live in a multi-story housing), somedays I feel like I was going to have a heart attack.
The worst of it all, had to be the "ambush", I hate, i absolutely HATE going to areas where you see a building with obstacles, blindspots, pillars, windows, and coming out of lifts where you can't see the sideways, then there is the possibility of an AMBUSH. And being alone, without a squad, I'm alone and theres no one watching my back. And I'm watching no one's back. And its terrible. If you are will a section, you watch their back, and someone will be watching yours, and if you're the last man, if theres anything behind you, then very highly likely it is the ENEMY. And I can't crouch, I can't crawl, I had to pretend and walk like anyone else, it kills you.
Right now, its been 15 years already, my lifetime just slips away and now, I have been jobless for 4 years again, doing freelance for one of my friends who is helping me out of pity. And I have locking myself in the house again, since last November.
I actually told myself, soldier your behaviour is not acceptable, and your punishment is detention within the house for a month. And since November 2014, I never left the house except to get some cigarettes when they ran out, and also for the new year where I HAD to go out to make my wife happy.
I can't watch war movies, they totally make me screw up the next day, my sleep problems will return, and I'm glad of my allergy to alcohol (which is lethal for me), otherwise I think I will become an alcoholic. Whenever I listen to the song "If I should fall behind" by Billy Joel, it absolutely reduces me to a crying wreck. One moment I would be ok, and then I would be crying uncontrollably.
My life is a wreck.
This is going to be a long, long post I think.
Ok here I go.
At the young age of 27, which was 15 years ago, I was considered to be pretty good at what I was doing.
I'm one of the few people who managed to get a start-up going, doing some web development which was pretty popular at that time. It was going well at first, then something started to happen to me.
I couldn't know, I couldn't tell what was going on at that time. But this was how I felt at one point in time
which is wierd. Everyone, I mean, everyone, including my business partner who was my best friend, my acquaintances, slowly, became my "enemy". Unknowingly to me at that time, I was actually profiling them, and assessing them, sort of giving each and everyone of them an evaluation of their threat level.
I couldn't tell this to anyone, except for one friend whom I told him just very vaguely.
To make it worst, at this point in time, I was recalled back to the Reservist Unit, where I had to be with people I don't know. And worst of all, my PTSD, or, my expertise, tells me I was being evaluated and monitored by my section "mates", my platoon commander and my OC. It sucks. It really sucks. And I love the range, I am good with my rifle, so I'm suppose to enjoy it right, but no, the firing, the firing it triggers something. I couldn't sleep well at all in the bunk with these "mates" who are actually evaluating me.
It made my condition worst, and I would go back to the unit, then back to the office after 1 week.
This could go on for awhile, and my friend in the office which we set up together, could tell that something was wrong with me. He did asked me if everything was OK. And one of the worst things that could happen, was the nightmares. We would, as programmers, stay the night in the office for some development and chatting. And we would spend the night there in sleeping bags. And I would get my nightmares, which I woke up screaming, and my partner he was just like SHIT are you alright. I would just wake up in the middle of the night, looking at the washroom, which we had inside the office, thinking there was an enemy inside the unit.
Afterwards, it all spiral downwards, as I lost my ability to sleep at night, I would go out and wander and do god knows what stuff. And, instead of sleeping at night, I would sleep in the afternoon when I was so crap tired from not sleeping. And my best friend would be so pissed off that he dragged me (in the sleeping bag) across the office. And not long after, the business we had going, had to fold.
I was told to go and see a psychiatrist, I can't remember who told me to go, but I went, and I was expecting the psychiatrist, a lady, to talk to me, but she only spent like 10 minutes, and sent me off with some depression medication. I saw alot of doctors and the worst statement I had was "we couldn't find anything wrong with you, so you just learn to live with this", or "you look perfectly fine". And I went for MRI, and EEG, and took many different types of medi
And it just gets worst and worst for me, afterwards, I couldn't work for 3 years, and if I could, I was only working for 1-2 months, then quit, and repeat this pattern all over again, for the period of 3-4 years.
It was especially hard for me to leave the house. I remember on one occasion, I was standing at the door, reaching for the door knob to leave the house, and i just froze there, it was like I was already going to turn the knob and go outside but I just froze. I just kept thinking if I go out there I will DIE. There is going to be an ambush outside, it is not SAFE. Its crazy, but for the better part of those 3 years, I kept myself locked in the house, I can't even go out with my wife, we were newly married. These events and my behaviour really bothered her, to make it worst, I had depression which developed during period.
I got really bad emotional issues, anger issues, and I would get mad at her, anyone, for no reason, and my wife would be really upset. I would be lying on the bed the entire day, and she would say "What's happening to you!", and cry. Sometimes, she can't take it and locks herself in the washroom crying.
One of the craziest things that happened to me in the house during that period of 3 years was this incident. That afternoon I woke up pretty late, once again from not being able to sleep the night before. And as I look out of my window and see the rooftop, of the high-rise flats beside our residence, the sun was orange and just causing the entire building to have a orange glow, with some late afternoon shadows. And what happened next was crazy, I immediately think "SNIPER ON THE ROOFTOP". And I actually dropped to the floor and leopard crawled out of the bedroom, and in the living room, the entire room was burning, the windows were tattered because bullets were flying in from both directions of the room. It was so f---ing real, but I was hallucinating. I leopard crawled to the kitchen, reached up to get the water mug I was wanting, and crawled back to the room from which i recovered. And it is just crazy. To this day, I am afraid to totally "remove all obstacles" from the window, I am afraid to let people from the outside see the interior of the house. Because it would mean that the shooter at the outside, can fire at us, at me, i feel especially vulnerable. I also contemplated suicide many times, and actually was about to do it, jump off the building, had a woman not saw me from across and screamed. She saved my life.
After the 3 years locking myself up, I began working on and off, and finally in 2006 I decided to just go "suck it up" and work at this MNC. For the sake my wife, so that I could take her for holidays and buy some good stuff for us. For the 5 years I was in that company, every single day was hell for me. I had to stand the train commute, the walk to the office, the office itself and the journey back. There was SO MANY PEOPLE, I was so tired at the end of the day as throughout the day I was on high-alert, scanning everyone, every corner, every room, every cubicle, for ... the ambush. It was so bad to the point, I was the only IT senior consultant who works alone from the server room. I would alone there, I would lunch alone, I would dread going to meetings, going to the cafeteria, it was HELL. I have NO absolute idea how I could have endured the 5 years. And it had to end, I began losing my temper and actually showing it, smashing an umbrella into half, smashing glasses at home, and I was told to leave at the year 2011. And I had been jobless since, not counting the 1-2 month job I had after that, I tried but I just went AWOL 2 months into the new job.
I was lost my memories, I can't remember alot of the stuff that was going on before we had the business started. I can't remember my classmates, which pisses me off. Recently, from the efforts of one of my college friends, we had a "facebook reunion" of sorts and I actually cannot remember one of them being in the same faculty as I am, in the university. My memories are like shattered glass, and remembering things is like picking up pieces of those fragments one by one.
Last year, I came across this method used by U.S. veterans to help them in their PTSD, its called the E.F.T. tapping method. So I actually followed the tutorials that are freely available on the internet. I was following the tutorial by a Mr. Brad Yates, and as I did the tapping and following what he was saying, I actually was reduced to tears. And afterwards I did this for several days, and on the final day, as I was lying down on the bed, I suddenly remembered my childhood. The memories just come like that. I was really afraid I could forget them again, so I wrote them down in a letter and gave it to a friend.
In my childhood, I was sexually abused by my biological mother one night when i was like 4-5 years old. Its amazing how I can still remember the lights that night along the corridor of the unit we were living in. I can't remember all of my childhood but I can remember that night with huge clarity. And it began a growing process for me which is obnoxious. The abuse would go on until I was nearly 20 years old. I would be peeped at while bathing, on uncountable occasions, when I was in my teens, she would peep at me while I was doing what any young male teenager would do in the bathroom (don't want to be explicit). I couldn't sleep at night because she would ... and I slept with like one eye closed and the other on the doorway, every single day. One night, when I was already in college, I woke up in the middle of the night, and realised she was beside the bed kneeling and touching my private parts, and my biological father was looking at her doing it. I froze in bed and kept quiet until they finished.
These torturous days till i was 20+ had an effect on me, I would not allow my parents to touch me for a long period of time, and I became aggressive at home, and I couldn't go back after work when i started working, I would go clubbing or drinking until 2-3am before heading back. Not forgetting to mention many occasions where the abuse took on other forms, like once my biological mother smashed my pet fish to its death, just because I was trying to give it some fresh water.
Last November 2014, I lost it while in a queue at a shopping mall and smashed up a corner of a shop, just because I couldn't stand the crowd, the sounds which startle me, and I became really aggressive and almost wanted to beat up another guy when me and my wife went to another store to get her a mobile phone.
Till now to this day, as I am writing this long post, I am aware of whats going on outside my house, the perimeter of my house, I only feel safe in the "base" which is my house. Outside of this, I'm nervous, anxious, I am aware of the movements going on in the unit above me, below me, beside me, even a bicycle which comes by the block of residence, would alert me. I treat every stranger I meet on the road as a "possible threat". I seem to be able to assess them very accurately and it pisses me off that the government is doing this for assessment, either that OR my PTSD tells me this guy "is a enemy agent" who is trying to harm me. And when guys like me encounter events like this, we do what we do best, feed the "enemy" with fake intel and screw up the enemy's intelligence efforts. This nightmare, this PTSD "effect" had me going on a "mission" for 14 years until last november 2014 when I lost it.
That was when I started to talk, to really talk to my wife, and admit how I was feeling, the anger, the sadness, the constant awareness of the surroundings, the assessment of every single person we come into contact, evaluation of the surroundings for security, and how any single sound, loud coughing, slamming of the door, car horning, loud engine noises, movement in the unit nearby me (we live in a multi-story housing), somedays I feel like I was going to have a heart attack.
The worst of it all, had to be the "ambush", I hate, i absolutely HATE going to areas where you see a building with obstacles, blindspots, pillars, windows, and coming out of lifts where you can't see the sideways, then there is the possibility of an AMBUSH. And being alone, without a squad, I'm alone and theres no one watching my back. And I'm watching no one's back. And its terrible. If you are will a section, you watch their back, and someone will be watching yours, and if you're the last man, if theres anything behind you, then very highly likely it is the ENEMY. And I can't crouch, I can't crawl, I had to pretend and walk like anyone else, it kills you.
Right now, its been 15 years already, my lifetime just slips away and now, I have been jobless for 4 years again, doing freelance for one of my friends who is helping me out of pity. And I have locking myself in the house again, since last November.
I actually told myself, soldier your behaviour is not acceptable, and your punishment is detention within the house for a month. And since November 2014, I never left the house except to get some cigarettes when they ran out, and also for the new year where I HAD to go out to make my wife happy.
I can't watch war movies, they totally make me screw up the next day, my sleep problems will return, and I'm glad of my allergy to alcohol (which is lethal for me), otherwise I think I will become an alcoholic. Whenever I listen to the song "If I should fall behind" by Billy Joel, it absolutely reduces me to a crying wreck. One moment I would be ok, and then I would be crying uncontrollably.
My life is a wreck.
