The Sex Thread

[Ellabella44]

i was starting to feel comfortable with that kind of play and enjoying it before I had my nightmare.... now im back to needing to be in control or able to get away on a day i have anxiety. Ive gone from trusting him completely and fully to being scared if he does it.

 

[Mandy12]

We've been together six years, 5.5 years pretty much sexless. Now its one a year if that. My partner is a porn user however used to lie to me and say he has no sex drive zero. Or he would say it's too much hard work to have sex. Or that he's lazy. Other times he says he doesn't know but always asks me to wait and wait and wait and wait.

I'm realising too late that he doesn't want to change and is masturbating frequently to porn but refuses me while knowing it's breaking us apart.

I've spoken with lot of people who are in sexless relationships and for them it will never get better. I'm so very humbled reading how you guys try your hardest and understand how important it is to have that glue.

I understand sometimes it never gets better but difference is trying, working on it. My partner refuses to see any other option than him doing what he does and lying about it and expects me to be fully celibate.

I don't think that is part of ptsd though I believe it's controlling behaviour, and reading your stories have confirmed me of this. Thank you.

 

[Mandy12]

Just to clarify I don't accuse you of controlling behaviour but my spouse.

 

[Jester]

I was molested from ages 6 to 12, and became a hardcore porn addict when I was 14. I learned about masturbation when I was first molested. I am disabled (I have a "bum leg" and urinary/bowel incontinence), so I have never been intimate with anyone (my sexual preference is for women). Various therapists and "authorities" have told me my disability is more of a hangup for me than it is for women, but I wouldn't know, as I've had a total of 3 short relationships, all of which didn't include so much as a kiss.

Despite my lack of experience, I have used pornography, masturbation, erotic lit, and roleplay to "control" my arousal, though I sometimes wonder how much control I really have. Part of me wants the intimacy and love of a committed relationship, but another part of me wants the uninhibited sex of my fantasies in a shallow, "no strings attached" relationship. Yet another part of me hates the idea of sex, but that part is often silenced by the desire of my second part.

I have had online "relationships" that have involved a great deal of "cyber sex" and roleplaying, which--when I was religious--brought me a great deal of shame. Now I find such relationships enjoyable and therapeutic. I have bipolar 1 in addition to PTSD, so hypersexuality is a constant part of my life. Even when I'm depressed, I become aroused at the drop of a hat (i.e., an attractive woman smiles at me, and the "engine starts revving"). I rather enjoy the feeling, but I also find it frustrating to be a virgin at 29 years old. If anything, I become depressed because I don't have a real relationship--committed, loving, and intimate. That is something that no amount of roleplay can provide.

The one thing my hypersexuality does do is recover from the depression very quickly, so it's more of a series of waves, rather than a constant, pressing onslaught. I become easily distracted from one fetish to the next, which allows me to avoid sulking in my depression for very long. I know it's shallow and ultimately meaningless, but it really does seem like this will be as good as it gets, so my thought is usually along the lines of, "I'll take what attention I can get." If I don't think about the future too much, I rather enjoy the momentary pleasure, but I do always have the end result of feeling dirty and guilty, even if I feel free and satisfied at the same time.

It's a very odd feeling.

 

[nycpeach1]

Does anyone else get wrapped up in the question of what "normal" actually is in relation to sex? Having suffered through trauma at a very early age, I didn't get a chance to develop in the same way my friends did... the whole giggly, exited virgin thing never happened to me and I remember feeling so isolated listening to my friends talk about sex as we were growing up. It was apparent to me early on that I was different but I didn't understand why until much later. That was many years ago, but as I've struggled to find a healthy (or healthier) sexual identity there is a nagging thought in my head that I'm missing out on something, something I will never know because of what happened to me. It isn't anything specific which kind of feels worse if that makes any sense. I guess I feel a bit bitter that the idea of innocent, romantic sort of sex was stolen and I never got to experience it. Having to fight to come to terms with something that is supposed to be one of life's great pleasures (sorry about the pun) just feels like I got robbed.

 

[Parafiregirl]

@nycpeach1, I wanted to say that, wow...you summed up my thoughts on sex perfectly. For a second I thought perhaps I HAD written it while dissociating, lol.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.

Recently I have had some success in "feeling sexy" and have been proud of feeling what should have been a totally natural thing with out the child sexual abuse.

I hear friends talk about their fantasies and realities and get really pissed off that I am so limited in my scope due to the abuse. The murky area of triggers and flashbacks....

Yes, I feel normal was stolen!

So I begin searching for my own normal. I have a loving husband and a wonderful therapist , great friends. I've recently been trying to change up my medications to see if getting off the SSRI with the sexual side effects will help me be able to find my own normal.

It's been a long road.

 

[mamachick]

I dont understand why I am now how I am. I was not sexually abused as a child. Had that first teenage boyfriend with raging hormones, romance, feeling in love, and cant get enough of each other. We married. I experienced marital rape. He was bi-polar and out of control at times. I bounced back, though I recovered. Yet when the ptsd hit, there is something else there. I have been in healthy sexual relationships, only to discover that the man was a compulsive liar (likely sociopath). Too much to go into. Have gone years without desire really. Met someone and dated 3 months last year. First couple were great, getting closer and knowing each other better phase, then he -I think in his own dissociative state of meaness, told me he gave me HIV. He evidently just said it to be mean. I am currently trying to work it out with my second husband, who is at least sane, but cannot participate in sex. I feel very bad for him. Im just too overwhelmed to figure it out. I feel panicked at the thought.

 

[nycpeach1]

Thanks Parafiregirl, it's nice to know I'm not alone. I've made some progress but it's still tough. It seems to boil down to trust for me; on a subconscious level I won't let myself be truly vulnerable emotionally or sexually. It's like there is a piece of me I keep buried so deeply that even I can't access it. That way there is a part of me no one can touch, can't hurt. I can have orgasms but it's rare. I consider every one a metaphorical "f*ck you" to the people that damaged me so long ago. I want a fulfilling sex life but I realize it will probably be different from others. We all deserve that and in my opinion, it's worth the fight.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yep, I never had that "innocence" period. Lost that at age 4, or maybe I was still only 3.... Lost it before I even knew what it was.

Then when I started having sex, it was terrifying. I'd scream, I'd cry.....I was terrified.

I never had a "first". I have tried to explain to people that it was gone when I was 4, but then they say no, I mean your first consensual experience. I say no, it was gone when I was 4.....she stole sex from me up until I was in my 30's. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was able to have sex without freaking out. So yeah, I never had that first experience, never had that excitement.

Then a part of me says that this first crap is TOTAL bs, a construct of man. C'mon, face it people, the first time is NEVER all that good cuz you simply don't know what you're doing. Maybe you had the benefit of giving it to someone you care about, but much of the time its jus disappointment b/c things aren't like in the movies. I'd say first times as a teenager probably don't even last that long. So why do we build this shit up?!?! I personally think sex is overrated.

 

[Friday]

Then a part of me says that this first crap is TOTAL bs, a construct of man. C'mon, face it people, the first time is NEVER all that good cuz you simply don't know what you're doing. Maybe you had the benefit of giving it to someone you care about, but much of the time its jus disappointment b/c things aren't like in the movies. I'd say first times as a teenager probably don't even last that long. So why do we build this shit up?!?! I personally think sex is overrated.

I don't think sex is overrated... It's right up there with breathing as one of my favorite activities.

But firsts? Blah. Lousy. First several dozen were pretty lame. Like most things, there's skill involved. But with sex there's also matching up preferences. Your own and your partner's, and inverse them trying to do the same, further complicates matters. And one simply doesn't know what one likes in regards to flavors, tones, ones own preferences... Not for awhile. Much less how to relate that to someone else's personal preferences. (Unless someone just lucks out, but that's rare enough). Even under the best of circumstances... Speaking as someone whose sexual trauma was later in life. Whole lotta moving parts involved in good sex, much less great sex. The mechanics are the least of it. And even the mechanics take a while to sort!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that's the other reason I don't look for relationships. I can't orgasm with a partner b/c I trust no one. I don't see the point in being in a relationship if I get no benefit. And a partner who actually gives a damn about pleasing me? LMAO. I've never found a guy who actually tries. He just wants to get off.....and then gets off. Its just gross and makes me feel used. Even the ones who say they care, profess their love. They don't give a damn. They just want to get their jollies off and you are just a sperm receptacle to them.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Solara, that makes my heart hurt.

I'm sorry you've had such crappy experiences with relationships.