I Feel Mostly Recovered, But Still Preoccupied By The Idea That Suicide Will Be Inevitable

[Pippa10]

On a day-to-day basis, I feel mostly ok, and that I have recovered as much as I ever will. I was sexually assaulted in 2012, for reference.
On the other hand, I realise that throughout the past year the feeling has really set in that I'm just biding my time until another strange man jumps out of the bushes to attack me (I know, you can't make it up), and after that it will be easier to kill myself than to go through the trauma and recovery again.

It's a weird feeling because I think even if I spoke to a therapist, I wouldn't have enough to say to take up an entire hour. But am I just kidding myself that I feel recovered? I'm sure that a random stranger will assault me again at some point, so I don't think I'm being unrealistic, it has happened enough times already. Has anyone else felt a similar way?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

PLEASE DON'T THINK SUICIDE IS INEVITABLE!!! I used to feel somewhat that way, and I realized I just didn't want to hurt or be filled with fear any longer! You CAN survive...you CAN thrive!!!

Can you find a way to take a self-defense class? Enjoy each moment that you feel mostly recovered...it IS the beginning of recovery!!!

I have been in therapy for over 10 years. Life 'dealt me cards' that were not of my making (having a severely disabled child, and her traumatic death) and that is just ONE of my traumas. It WILL take more than one, or ten visits to a therapist. There is a reason you have survived these attacks. If you were meant to die, you would have!

It is against the Forum rules to actually say you are going to commit suicide....because we ALL care enough for you even if we don't know you that our hearts are full of sorrow at the thought of losing ANYONE when help is available. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP ON LIFE!!!

WELCOME to the Forum...we DO care...and MANY OF US HAVE FELT THE WAY YOU FEEL! Just the fact that you have good days is a bit of a promise of healing!

I don't know where you live, but please reach out in EVERY WAY FOR HELP!

YOU MATTER!!! YOUR LIFE MATTERS!!!
:hug:HUGS if accepted...:hug:

 

[Anarchy]

Pippa,
It is good that you recognize those thoughts of inevitability and destiny as unusual, and that you are using your rationality to question them.

They are something that CBT* Mindfulness and the combination of the two; DBT can each help you to recognize and overcome.

Some of the other members posted some good DBT links including a DBT workbook on one of @J_trustno1 's recent threads.

There really is nothing inevitable about being attacked or about ending your life with suicide.

I'll second @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ 's suggestion of a self defense class - some of the traditional Japanese and Chinese arts also incorporate and develop mindfulness practices.
_______________________
*actual CBT, which teaches you to recognize negative cognitions and the skills of how to question and replace them. Some people here report being told to think positively... under the label of "receiving CBT". Actual CBT is so much more than that.
____________________
http://www.bookdepository.com/Diale...y-Skills-Workbook-Matthew-McKay/9781572245136
For the same number of £GB as Barnes and Noble have it for $US

and @joeylittle's post https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-feel-like-a-burden-on-myself-now.52051/#post-830424

 

[The Albatross]

On the other hand, I realise that throughout the past year the feeling has really set in that I'm just biding my time until another strange man jumps out of the bushes to attack me (I know, you can't make it up), and after that it will be easier to kill myself than to go through the trauma and recovery again.

It's a weird feeling because I think even if I spoke to a therapist, I wouldn't have enough to say to take up an entire hour. But am I just kidding myself that I feel recovered? I'm sure that a random stranger will assault me again at some point, so I don't think I'm being unrealistic...

I think that ought to be enough to fill up several sessions of therapy. But is doesn't sound like you're in therapy. Are you?

 

[joeylittle]

Those thoughts you have, that another attack is bound to happen or that suicide is inevitable - are some remaining symptoms. I agree with @Anarchy's suggestion that you look into some cognitive therapy so you can begin challenging and ultimately dismantling those thoughts.

I know those thoughts and the feelings that go with them very well. And I can even believe they are totally justified and rational. But they aren't, really. It sounds like a good time for you to deal with them because you've come a long way already in your trauma work - and well done on that front, by the way.

Hope some of this helps.

 

[Seagreen]

Don't assume anything. You don't know how you would feel if you were attacked again. Recovery is difficult. I think in many ways it is worse than the attack itself but you may move through the process differently a second time. More Importantly is that there may never be another time. Please don't live your life waiting for terrible things to happen. It is such a waste of energy which could be focused on other things. This is your time now to fill your life with whatever you wish that is accessible to you.

If I could name one good thing that came from being raped it is that I value my life so much more now. Knowing that at the moment I have freedom to fill my days with things that bring me happiness and peace. I don't take anything for granted anymore. This freedom could be taken away at any moment so i make the make the most of the time I have.

2012 is still fairly recent in my opinion. You may feel differently in 12 months.

If you feel you are healed you from the trauma, maybe it is that you have development some unhelpful thinking patterns. Worth talking over what you have said with a therapist who may be able to help you identify and correct them.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

The most important thing to me after I was raped was taking back my life. It felt as if all my plans, my belief in myself and the future was robbed that night. I learned in therapy that my life wasn't going to be the same but it could be more than fear and constant anxiety.

If I could name one good thing that came from being raped it is that I value my life so much more now.

This was very true for me too. I look back now and know that I am so much stronger as a result of what I endured and survived. I still struggle with insecurities, difficult triggers and anxiety but I also appreciate the moments of happiness and peace. It's weird, as if we are in this club that no one ever wants to belong to but once you are here, knowing you are not alone is such a comfort. You are not alone and there is no exact timeline for healing. Be kind to yourself.

 

[anonymous]

I think you're numb and in denial. I don't think you're anywhere near healed. You still have very real effects of trauma. It seems as if you have said to yourself "this is as good as it gets" but you're setting the bar pretty low if suicidal thoughts are now your norm and you have no real drive to rise above it. I get the feeling that you don't really have any idea what therapy is about. You are thinking of "talk therapy" but therapy for PTSD isn't "talk therapy". We learn how to cope. We learn how to heal. We learn how to move forward. I think your own misconceptions about therapy and healing have stalled your progress.

 

[MT Johnny]

To the OP, yes, I absolutely feel the same way, and I often think that I should take the the necessary steps to have the tools I need at my disposal when the time is right.

I don't see how this thing is about "not trying hard enough" or "not finding the right treatment" or whatever, because I gotta tell you, I have thrown every resource I have at a treatment or fix or cure or whatever you want to call it for 2 1/2 years and I feel just as miserable now about my life, my situation, and my prospects for any kind of tolerable future as I did then when things went down that never should have and my life fell apart. And I do mean everything I coukd think of - I've seen probably in excess of 25 different healthcare professionals of various types, MD's, psychologists, therapists, and spent at least $250,000 trying to "fix it" and it is still an effing mess.

At what point do you say enough is enough, game over, and take your toys and go home?

"All I wanna do is have a little fun before I die, says the man next to me, from out of nowhere" - Sheryl Crow

I probably would have been better off just living it up for 2 1/2 years. What do I have to show for all of this - nothing. I don't feel "safe" and I haven't found anyone, including my current twice a week, $225 for each 45 minutes session, trauma therapist with the $300,000 PhD who has gotten me anywhere close to safe, happy, or at peace. Not that it hasn't helped, it does to an extent, but it isn't a true solution - and I doubt there is one.

"2000-0-0, Party over, oops, outa time ... So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999" - Prince

Don't get me wrong, I think these people mean well. And I have tried, I've done all of the crap they told me to do, I've swallowed the pills both literally and figuratively, and been a good little hamster running 24/7 on my wheel. But no one ever gave me a solution to the problem of "how can I feel safe in a world where they tell me I'm entitled to my feelings, but if they are the wrong ones, (by which I mean suicidal thoughts) they'll send the cops out to rough me up, throw restraints on me, and stuff me in the back of a squad car and haul me off like a common criminal - all in the name of 'helping me' or 'keeping me safe' for 'my own good' "??

That so-called solution robs me of the things I value most, honor and freedom.

I know exactly where the OP is coming from - and it's great to say "just do X, Y, and Z and you will learn the skills and the life lessons you need to get past your trauma and survive" and for people who can do that I say awesome. But I think for some of us the wounds are too deep and the danger is real in that whatever happened could happen again and no matter how hard you try to be ready for it if it comes there are no guarantees you will win.

If that is the case, maybe the search for the fix is just more pointless torture and people like me would be better off enjoying the time we have left instead of spinning our wheels. And taking our route to peace at the right time.

Not everyone is going to make it - whether the issue is PTSD or Cancer - any oncologist will tell you it depends on the type, severity, and stage and the same is true with this.

 

[anonymous]

Same Anon....

@MT Johnny,

I think you're misconstruing what people say, and making quite a few assumptions along the way.

Quite a few of us have spent a pretty penny on treatment in an effort to heal. I am one of those people. And maybe, just maybe, it IS about not finding what works for YOU personally. Have you pushed the boundaries of your healing? Have you looked outside of the box? I can tell you without a doubt that the two things that have helped me most are not PTSD treatments per se. One is considered alternative healing and not a mainline treatment for PTSD. The other is a very new type of treatment that is very much on the outskirts of the psych world.

You discount the advice being given as if we all have it SO easy and we all just use our skills and go on our merry way. Uhm, nope! Not true in the least! Skills are a foundation, a basic foundation. Nothing else has a prayer of working if the foundation isn't laid properly.

I understand that you're in the throws of the disorder, but your attitude is very negative, both here and on that other forum where your name is nearly identical. If your negativity serves a purpose, so be it. But, learn to recognize that people are indeed coming from a good place when they give advice. And yes, there are those of us who have been in much worse places than yours and have gone on to heal. Somehow I don't think that at 2 1/2 years out you are really in a place to be saying its time to just throw in the towel. 2 1/2 years is sort of.....well, its not really a long time in terms of healing if you've got childhood or complex trauma. I sort of get the feeling that you're bitter that you've thrown so much away in terms of $$$ and you're not fixed yet. But know this.....healing takes a LONG time. Maybe doing a bit of research on how long it takes to heal will help put your obsessions to rest, at least a little bit? I've seen figures saying that one incidence PTSD can take over a decade to fully heal from, and if you've got something more? Yep, multiply that one on out....

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Pippa10 I understand that feeling, or sense, or concern that it is inevitable, but I think it comes from not realizing things can get better in the present.

And though not directly related it somewhat reminds me of the sense of a fore-shortened future (or no future at all) many of us have struggled with once the ptsd took root.

Maybe getting rid of or replacing those thoughts, or being able to imagine or believe otherwise, is part of healing?

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

i came back to just add, I don't recall the sense of a fore-shortened future starting (or at least acknowledging it) until about 6 years in, & oddly enough the inevitability of suicide (for me) came or comes from feeling like I'm not healing enough & have exhausted all options. But perhaps whether viewed as 'healing enough' or 'not enough' both are just manifestations (& tricks of the mind) of what @joeylittle has said:

Those thoughts you have, that another attack is bound to happen or that suicide is inevitable - are some remaining symptoms..

..I know those thoughts and the feelings that go with them very well. And I can even believe they are totally justified and rational. But they aren't, really.

My brain I think (or more accurately ptsd) has a way of trying to convince me that it is 'right' or 'so', to make me feel it's best to adopt ptsd's reasoning (especially SI), & see things in ways that make those kind of decisions seem correct. :(

Best wishes.