What Helps Repair Inability To Connect With Others?

[Born to Run]

You mention Stephen Porges and the Polyvagal Theory, and yes indeed his theory makes sense of this all. The social engagement system goes offline, when your sympathetic nervous system is in danger or survival mode. This all goes subconscious and is nothing you can actively do something about, except from going though your trauma in therapy. I notice in my own therapy that eye contact is really bad, when I am really in survival mode, and is better when the sympathetic nervous system is less activated. Somatic Experiencing has this theory as an implicit fundament in this theory. I have Porges' book and it is too complex too read for me, but this video could be helpful. I know there is one readable paper online about this, and if you want I can look it up for you.

 

[Chava]

when I am really in survival mode,

I'm almost always in survival mode. Even when I'm taking good care of myself. I feel like my body is subconsciously sabotaging me. I hate the constant "survival mode" and yet it feels normal. It's like it creates boundaries for me to live within and a connection to myself that I can feel as congruous in some way.

I'm trying to activate this system though. I've learned how to hug a stuffed animal and feel softness, warmth, comfort. Has nothing to do with humans, but the calming system turns on and I feel a sense of connection to myself which makes it safer to connect with others too. I'm several decades behind the ball, but that's how it goes..

 

[Born to Run]

Yes, true I am in that mode always too, but sometimes it is to the extreme and sometimes less. I think you are totally doing the right thing, and it is not important in what stage you are, you are very actively working on it. Determination will get you very far. I honestly think you are never too old or that it is too late to change. I think the whole connection part will automatically come online, when your system is ready to do that. You mention you have no muscles to stay in connection, and from Porges' theory this is a very explainable issue. I find it interesting you mention that. He explains in the video how your facial muscles are connected to the social engagement system and it seems yours have been used little. They are still there, and at one point they will start doing their job, I am sure.

 

[ghotiff]

Social situations are very tiring, especially when one doesn't understand the "rules".

I read many books on social interactions, how to make small talk etc. They were useful and gave me clear guidelines to follow. After using those guidelines for a long time they became more natural.

 

[Ellabella44]

i repeat myself, poor eye contact, forget what was said, names all of it. I am trying to work on this by connecting to people who connect to something that i have a strong tie to. I connect to my cat at home more than any of my humans (husband and children) my kids by their nature of being kids and caring about me initiate hugs when they want them. I have been uncomfortable about hugs for a while and im starting to get ok with them doing it.

ok i might have gone off topic a bit there .. but to connect with other people outside my immediate home I have chosen my own exposure therapy. I volunteer with a cat rescue that rents space in a pet supply store. it is a good work environment there and constant stream of new people. The connection - animals. I can calmly hold a convo and keep interest about the cats im working with.

They know i have ptsd, and they are ok with it. I am working on all of my problems talking to them. I let them know because i want them at ease with my eye contact etc and that im working on it. I feel like im advocating for myself by being open about it.

hoping you find what bridges the gap for you. :)

 

[Chava]

Thank you @Born to Run , @ghotiff , and @Ellabella44

...common interests does help keep me out of isolation. Isolation seems to reinforce my challenges with eye contact. I become weirdo freak hermit. I had to quit playing in the orchestra, which was sort of my "family" even if I didn't consider any of them close friends...I had known many of them for years. Have not found a replacement yet, and have to remember this is all still part of loss and there is still room for connecting in some other way. I just have no clue. I'm exhausted.

I'm probably ending therapy soon. My insurance is going to quit paying and my therapist reminds me we have only a couple sessions left...would be okay if I wanted to end now. I think she's ready to be done with me. I feel like I'm finally learning about these very early, confused and damaged pieces, and will just leave them hanging....re-exposed and not able to reorganize or complete anything. Just reinforce how powerless and stuck those parts are....total mind f*ck. My therapist was talking about ending and I couldn't talk anymore because I felt like I didn't even know who she was, how I got there, or where I was. I heard birds on a farm but I was in the city. I just curled into a ball and shook for an hour. Pulled some Kleenexes out of a box and made a little blanket for myself.

Feels like a three-year experiment in trying to figure out this stuff of trauma energy, pain, and simple connection is a failure because I have to just end right in the thick of it, totally disorientated. Back to my bubble.

So, f*ck.