Expectations And Hope For Life

[Powder]

Do you find with PTSD that having expectations or hope for improvements is a challenge in that as soon as you find you desire a change, you begin to be fatalistic or fearful it won't happen?

The more I have intrusions of the past trauma, and realize how hard life has actually been, the less I believe it can be better. Even though, I'm aware, this is exposure therapy, and I need to process my traumas. Gotta go through this.

Life feels like such a roller coaster ride. Ups and down, and then abrupt turns and halts. No guarantees.

I don't know how to manage uncertainty without massive anxiety and controlling/over-analyzing behaviors.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sometimes I don't know how to manage any of it at all, with anything. I try not to be an as*hole to others but I don't know if I have 'hope', I frequently can't remember 'why' precisely I should have hope for improvements or healing, so I don't think I have 'expectations' . (But it would be very nice/ lovely if it could come about.)

 

[Powder]

Junebug, exactly. Usually, I feel like I'm lucky to just be alive and shouldn't expect anything from life but more misery. No matter how much I try, that is how I usually end up feeling anyway. I just try not to bring everyone else down.

But when I do hope, I worry immediately that I'll fall too hard and never recover. Somehow, I make it through.

Learning to manage disappointment has been a major life theme for me. I am not happy about it. But I have no other choice but to try.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes and No.

I make new plans, but then the PTSD monster comes along and when my anxiety spikes and the wheels of obsessive thinking start turning, I get very down on myself and think that I'll never move forward. Fortunately it comes and goes...well, more fortunate that it goes, wish it would never come.

 

[Friday]

I make plans. God laughs.

 

[Dana1010]

My problem is mostly when I am put in a situation where I have to prove that I'm good enough for something, anything--guess who's crashing the party? It's like an entire auditorium full of detractors--from people I talked to for 20 minutes in a bar to the granddaddy of them all sitting front row center--starts jeering, booing, jumping from their seats, throwing things, threatening violence. If I can manage to get through it, the accomplishment helps me feel like less of a loser, but it's a very hard slog.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I will be going through a series of...oh what is the name of it..EMPT or something antonym-ish where they want me to go under hypnosis and relive the issues I'm going through. UGH! I can see this going to be HELL however, it it makes me better, ....they better make sure that I don't get violent.

 

[asldjfasldjf]

I absolutely have trouble believing in a better future. As someone whose childhood was ceaseless trauma, the first 20 years have been hellacious and I don't have anything else to base future predictions off of. I also hate myself in most ways on most days, and believing that I will ever get better or accomplish anything is incredibly difficult.

Processing trauma can be extremely difficult, and it usually gets worse before it gets better. I'm going through a bit of that myself lately.

Your experience sounds incredibly familiar, and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that many of us are also having/had a near-identical experience.

 

[Ronin]

I make plans, God makes them happen differently with a friendly wink of 'but didn't you want this? You got to your end destination, didn't you, so what's the hype?'

 

[darrenS]

i wont let the monster control me , i have good days and bad days , but im finding if i keep pushing forward it does seem to minimise eventually. I haven't slept a full night for over a week now...with most i've slept in one night being three hours. I had a horrid night last night with several nightmares and still had to get up and take the kids to a swim meet final, but i made it and it turned out to be a good day. I have a pre trial this week with lots of stress and uncertainty, but have to put it aside and deal with it when it comes..it could have severe ramifications even if the charges are minimised.

But i cant give in - i wont - its been difficult to say the least but in the interim ive managed to start the process of getting an exhibition of my artwork happening , collected more business developing sites and apps in the last month than i have in the last 2 years and its still coming in and established some business opportunities for O/S business, as well as miraculously keep myself stable - im still PTSDing with anxiety attacks and stress reactions , but for some reason its different. Instead of going down im going up. I am also practising simple mindfulness and staying in the now ...it feels good and the more i do it ..the more i become aware...but geeez a good nights sleep wouldnt go astray..

If i make plans ...i do whatever i can to carry them through - i dont always succeed but my hit rate is getting far better

 

[Anarchy]

but Mousie, thou art no thy lane
In proving foresight may be vain
The best-laid schemes o' mice an’ men
Gang aft agley
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain
For promis'd joy!


Still thou art blest, compar'd wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee
But och! I backward cast my e'e
On prospects drear
An' forward, tho' I canna see
I guess an' fear

Verses seven and eight of Burns' "To a mouse"

 

[intothelight]

Life feels like such a roller coaster ride. Ups and down, and then abrupt turns and halts. No guarantees.

Fear from past experience kept me always trying to anticipate and "control" to keep bad things from happening. However, life is just as you described and there is good mixed with the bad. The only control I have is over myself and my perceptions. This realization has helped me to lessen the fear, enjoy life more and focus on becoming more resilient to difficulties. It wasn't so much "life" that caused problems but the people I had in my life. Now I choose.