I am so grateful for all the insight coming at me.
Maybe in session he is fine, but repeatedly failing to follow through on promises can severely hinder healing in someone who has been traumatized and has trouble trusting people. (Is this you?)
Solara, thank you for the much needed belly laugh - 'is this you' had me on the floor. :D Yes, you are describing me quite well. And I really appreciate your re-framing this for me as a straight up provider/client relationship. Of course, that re-frame allows me to see that I have a pretty tolerant policy in general when it comes to my care providers - but not my MDs. So, there is some part of me cutting him some slack because he's not a 'real' doctor. Which is just strange, and needs to stop.
Providers are human, and hopefully they are working on themselves. It seems like your Provider has ego/hero needs. Being that people often don't change, and depending on the amount of conflict you want to initiate, I would either say, nothing, and stop asking, or say, "Respectfully, you have mentioned you'd do certain things, but you haven't. I know you mean well, but I feel ___(let down?, angry?). Can you either do the things you have said you would do, now, in this session, or just stop telling me that you will do them?"
When I read the phrase 'ego/hero' needs, I thought - that is this guy to a T. It's what I've always been aware of as his particular issue. It's not at all impactful to me, except in this way that the thread is about. I really like the way you phrased the sentence I could use to bring it up - I definitely can tell that I'll need to bring this up.
My T has ADHD. He knows it, I know it, I may have a touch of it myself and we talk about it.
So does my Psych - and she is very open about it - and could not be easier to work with or more reliable, trustworthy, absolutely can count on her to do her job and when she goes that extra mile for me it is never confusing.
it sounds very frustrating. Can you e-mail him reminders? And then tell him how personally challenging it feels for you to be in the position of reminding him? That shouldn't be your job. I understand it to a point since I work with many scattered profs and musicians.
:tup: scattered professors and artists are my people :p. I do think it's why I'm good at letting things go. It's funny you mention emailing reminders - the few times I've bothered to do that in the past were all a)good for my personal communication bravery-skills, and b)professionally very frustrating. I think I can just cut right to how it can't be my job to remind him of what he says he will do for me. Now, if he added the sentence, "would you send me an email reminding me to do that?" it would not bother me in the least. I say that sentence often - it's probably why I wouldn't mind. But even asking him - "do you need me to send an email reminding you?" - puts the relationship off-kilter to me, in a big way. I am a caretaker by nature, and absolutely cannot be putting myself in that role with my therapist. Nope.
A am amazed, frankly at the degree of availability that some T's have.
Me too, actually. The basic way it works with mine is that we have a safety contract that I can call him on if necessary, and he requires that I call him when I wake up disoriented/stuck in an extreme memory or somatic experience
if I cannot resolve it myself within 10-15 minutes. But I also picked him partially based on his extensive experience with crisis and trauma work. I rarely need to call, but when I need to, I really need to. We don't exchange emails as a rule, only when it has to do with safety stuff. No texting. When there is a lot going on, he will suggest doing a 10-15 minute check in at a time that is convenient for him, and if I think I need it and the time works for me, we'll do that. I'm probably making it sound like a lot but it's basically a combination of a therapist and a personal crisis worker.
I take from that - if he didn't promise it you wouldn't rely/expect it and you wouldn't therefore feel let down when he couldn't provide it? Is that what you mean?
Yes, absolutely. It's that he says he will and doesn't - and because it's my health we are talking about, not him doing me a favor or anything, it bothers me to then have him not follow through.
I guess I have 2 things I wondered.
1. Do you think you would be able to develop better coping skills if you knew you could not contact your T out of session.
2. Would a crisis plan that involved contacting a 24hour helpline or visiting the emergency room instead of your contacting your T work for you?
These are great questions. And no to both. (But I'm glad you are asking them, they are smart). I guess, for context, I wake up thrashing and confused at least once a night. I deal with all those. I wake up not knowing exactly where I am and escalating quickly into full-blown panic oh, I guess a few times a month. More, if I'm traveling for work. If I'm aware enough to set the timer, I set the timer and work on it myself for 10 minutes. Usually, I'm good after that. But if I'm not, or if I can't manage that, I call. 90% of the time, he's back to me inside of 10 minutes. We are on the phone for about 15, maybe 20, and everything is back to working order.
As far as the crisis line goes, honestly, that one is totally me. I've had a series of unhelpful experiences with the crisis lines. I also don't always need to talk to someone - what I need is a process that will slow me down; so, calling him and having agreed to wait for a callback slows me down. Even the few times when something has gone wrong and he hasn't gotten the message til the next day (nights are my bad time), I will wait to hear from him. Recently, I was agitated while waiting and could tell something was wrong on his end - then, I can go to the ER if I need. I used to go to the ER pretty much all the time, before having this guy. I've got such a strange coping mechanism, you put me in a hospital and I will be so clear, calm, and communicative - even when I'm desperate. So I just wait it out there, and I'm never worried about being admitted against my will. If I thought I needed to be admitted, I'd be able to do that.
But yes - thinking about what everyone has written, and in writing these responses, I think that he is doing me some harm - or at the least, doing me a serious disservice - by not completing actions that
that he has offered to do for my therapeutic benefit.
There have been a few incidents where his paging system failed, and he knew he had completely dropped the ball, and was very upfront about acknowledging the mishap, apologizing, and we have worked it through. It's filed under 'shit happens' - sometimes you are on hold with the suicide hotline and no-one picks up, sometimes your therapists' pager fails.
My instinct is to make sure I don't blow it out of proportion, but I think I'm minimizing the impact these failures to follow through have had on me. Either I can count on him or I can't. Is that too black and white?
/end world's longest post, thanks for reading :bag:
