Relationship New Here And New Advice And Help!!!!

[Becksknox]

Hi. I'm new here. I've been in a serious relationship with a vet with combat PTSD for just over a year and a half. Since September he was living with me and my 2 small children. He moved 2 weeks, the day after buying my engagement ring, to move to Austin and get a job and place to live. He called us his family was always the one to talk about marriage and how our life would be perfect in Austin. His family lives there and I'm leaving my job and selling my home of 15 years and it was my idea. 3 days later, he calls and says it won't work. That he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship or help raise my kids. This exact thing happened exactly one year ago. We broke up, he didn't know if he wanted a relationship, etc. after a month and a half he came back. My therapist and I have traced these ptsd episodes back 4 years at this time of the year.

I'm still scared to death he won't be back. He cried before he left bc he was going to miss me and the kids. Not 10 minutes after he got there to Austin he was showing his sister the ring he bought and telling her how much he loved me. Then this flip..... The therapist that he has visited with me says the thoughts in his head now are the irrational thoughts brought on by ptsd and he believes them.
He did go to his regular dr and they changes his paxil to lexapro and now he seems to be getting depressed. He still calls and texts every day but I feel I've post him and. I'm scared. Any help or advice is welcomed.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them.

Withdrawing is very common for PTSD sufferers. If it occurs at the same time of year each time then it is most likely related to the anniversary of a trauma event. The fact that he is still calling and texting is a good sign.

My only word of caution is for your children. My father has combat PTSD. Growing up in that home was very unpleasant. Dealing with the chaos that PTSD causes is bad enough for adults. Its confusing and painful for children. I'm not saying you should leave the relationship, but perhaps don't live together - that may give him the space he needs and protect your children from his PTSD.

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you so much for saying it's a good sign. He's always said in the past "I always come back". The thing about the kids, is he has been a better dad figure to them than their own dad who is all but absent. He is kind and loving.

 

[Sighs]

Um... no offence but..

He is kind and loving.

He's also gone right now. And you have no idea when / if he'll be back. I bet you're really upset. I bet you're wondering what you did wrong. Why he doesn't love you enough to be with you. Beating yourself up over something you said or did that you think maybe set him off.

Guess what? Your kids feel exactly the same. Or they will as they get older and this pattern repeats itself. And the fact that their biological father is not really there for them - that makes them MORE vulnerable to his withdrawing.

I'm not saying this to be mean. But I'm not going to sugar coat it either. You need to have a careful think about how his behaviour is impacting your children and what steps you can take to minimise that. Again - I'm NOT saying end the relationship. but please don't think that your children are "too little" or unaware of your emotional state to be affected by all of this.

 

[darrenS]

We all want someone to love and someone to love us , sometimes we really do have to take a step back and take a hard look at what our wants do to us. You stated you've been in your home for 15 years and i take this to also mean you've been settled in one place, you also have children and a relationship that is unstable and only been in it for 18mths. You also state he is a better dad than their true father. Now although there is a break now , what would happen if he came back all ok again - would you run off to Austin ? to not only break apart any sense of normalcy the kids have, regardless of the dad issue but to also throw the lot of you into unchartered waters.

To move is one thing , to move after a long time with kids is an entirely different thing again, your an adult and even you will find it very stressful not only because of the relationship , but the new environment as well - the kids will also have their own stress...new school...new friends ...new ways of doing things , now put this altogether and there is a lot of stress , a helluva a lot - and this will flow onto your partner if he comes back and the stress will not dissipate overnight , it will take months , if not a couple of years. Can you imagine what is going to happen ? if he is running now , trust me , the running will get a lot worse.

And then imagine if he doesn't come back, your in a new place with no one and worse off than when you started , and then your kids will also suffer. Its easy to play Dad on the surface , most men can do it , but when the real shit hits the fan , will he still be capable of putting his needs and issues aside for the betterment of the kids ? I personally think that any new relationship needs at least 3-5 years to show its true self - and only then does the solidity allow for solid plans.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It may very well be a trauma anniversary if he tends to have a hard time every year at this time, but he may very well have gotten totally overwhelmed. Between the move, finding a new job, finding a new place, the engagement, and you selling your longtime home because of him, his stress cup probably overflowed... the stress cup model is a very clear way to understand how stressors effect PTSD Sufferers. Here is the link. My vet says that it is the best explanation of this that he has ever seen. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

As a Vet myself I can assure you that we do in fact seek love and companionship. We are also affected greatly by a sense of loss emotionally. In the 18 months you have been together have you spent much time apart. In combat and especially in deployment we become soul brothers with our fellow comrades and that bond if all too often broken suddenly by the loss of a brother or sister in arms. Even after we have parted physical deployments together there is that sense of loss as well if a brother or sister is lost in battle and we are not there with them.

I have had this sense of loss brought crashing home to me recently as threaded by myself a few days ago. We literally lose a part of us in Combat and that part never returns. We have to replace it as bests we can. Going from a close personal relationship to a distance one however much planning is done can be greatly and emotionally damaging to a Combat Vetern IMHO (as one).

Please try and respect the boundaries set in your relationship however hard it is and will be. Setting that emotional and sometimes physical boundary can literally be the edge between life and death to a Veteran.

I send my :hug:s at your time of need.

Laurie

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you. I didn't think of that. He left as planned to find a job and you for us there so when school is out we will be moving but I know they see me in my frazzled state and know I'm upset, which I don't want them to see.

9 months of our relationship was long distance. He lived in Austin and we traveled back and forth until he move here to be with us full time. My job is ending and it was my idea to move there. I can totally see where his stress cup overflowed.

Is there anything I can do to help him? The last time he did this he freaked so to speak and everything in his life was out of control. Once he calmed down he realized he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now there's been a huge change again and he's isolating again.

 

[Becksknox]

And also to add, this only happens in the spring, March/April. It was my idea to move because we love Austin and he was the one ready and excited to start new and be father away from the kids' dad.

 

[Go Hungry]

Hmm.. Aargh. Tough situation. It sounds to me like you are head over heels for this guy, even with all his troubles. But.. and it's a big but. Don't leave a stable situation for a person/thing that is themselves unstable. Stability and security are super important for children, and moving like that... It's going to put them in some serious stress. Like.. major. And unless the relationship you have is rock-solid enough to support them throughout a really rough time (cause it will be) I'd say to skip it. You say that the move is your idea, and if you and the kids are nutz about Austin, love the joint, etc. Might not be so bad of an idea. But do not move 'for him'... Move because it seems like a really good improvement in your life.. It's your life and all.. but if I was in your shoes.. I would view this guy as a nice 'bonus' to a move that you wanted to do anyway.

Because.. this guy could flake. I hate to say it.. but it could happen all too easily. I purposely avoid women with kids, specifically because of the kids. I know that the chaos in my life would bleed unto them, and make their lives all too hard. An adult could handle my troubles perhaps, but kids aren't really prepared for that. So I stay away.

Anyways, I only know what details of this relationship that you have shared. But I would say tread -very- carefully. You've got a lot of peoples futures in your hands..

:hug:

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you. Let me clarify, my job in GA is ending and I will not be able to sustain my $1800 mortgage payment which is why I wanted to move to Austin bc the job market there is much better as is the living factors. We haven't had an unstable relationship and it is actually very strong, except for the flips he does in the spring. Together we are eachother's rocks but when we are not together his flight instinct kicks in.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Together we are eachother's rocks but when we are not together his flight instinct kicks in.

As would he have been with his comrades in arms. He will have made strong bonds with comrades in battle and being apart from these brothers ans sisters will have hurt him. It sounds like he has made a similar more personal bond with you in his private life. Cherish this as it is not so easy for a Vet to be able to hold onto that bond when flight mode hurls itself at us.

My only re-iteration is to remember to respect boundaries that you set together, this is really important to both of you if your relationship is to survive and I hope blossom. Also please remember that there are more people in this that just you and he. There are the kids to take into consideration. You ALL need to be safe and although you want to be there and always make sure he knows you are there, there will inevitably be times that you cannot simply 'be there'.

Again I wish you every success in this.

:hug:s