Attitudes - Physical Vs Mental Illness

[shimmerz]

I went to my youngest son's house today. He hasn't seen me in over a month. Besides my bad haircut, I look like shit. I look really ill. Not the way he knows me to look. I hung out for about 1.5 hours and was clutching my now infamous pancreas the whole time. He kept asking 'are you okay?' It didn't actually occur to me that I looked ill (and am actually as ill as I am) until I registered my sons concern yesterday. I have been isolating so I didn't realize, I don't think, that I am frail.

Well word gets around. My oldest son calls me this afternoon. This.never.happens. He sounded concerned, asked me over for dinner, spoke to me with ummmm, kindness. I have been sick for 7 years with PTSD. s.e.v.e.n.YEARS. Know how many times he asked me out? Invited me for dinner? Called me on the phone? None. N.o.t.ONCE. Those were desperate times. His caring voice, his openness made me desperately sad for the time lost with him. Such a waste.

So what is it? They know I am back up and functioning normally (mentally). Their sudden concern now that I am physically ill has me a bit thrown off. I mean, seriously I am confused. I used to sleep in my car in 5 degree fahrenheit weather and they knew that. No calls. What is it about being physically sick that spurs people into action that being tortured mentally does not? I mean I keep hearing the metaphor from sufferers about being in a wheelchair and it being obvious that I could not do certain things so even I am affected by the 'mental issues don't count' thing. If I can't cut myself a break for mental issues, how can I expect them to?

 

[PlainJane]

I think it goes back to empathy. They can understand physical ailments or illnesses because they have experienced a few of their own. It's a rare person to feel REAL empathy for those of us who suffer mentally without actually having to experience it themselves. In my life these people that can't support me and express concern have a tendency to think I can just snap out of it. Well, if it were that easy don't you think I would have done it by now instead of living in my car in 5 degrees fahrenheit temperatures! It makes me so angry, grr. I don't think they think this way because of lack love just a lack of understanding. They also need to be willing and open to learn about it. I read an article yesterday on The Self Pity Paradox, I can't link it but its on the Psychology Today website. It was interesting it talked about not getting the support we NEED from others. Short article.

I hope that you can connect with them again and can move forward in a positive direction. It sounds like they do care about you and your physical well being.

 

[Chava]

I hate this reality. My pain is very real, but I KNOW it is also a very convenient way to isolate when things are hard and also make excuses for appointments (not lying because therapy helps some with pain...I just omit all of the psych and trauma info when telling others why I have to leave work). I don't get much support for the physical pain either. I chronically give a vibe of "Don't help me" or "Stay the f*ck back." Anyway, I totally understand how it feels more socially acceptable to have a physical injury/illness than a mental one.

Like you, I have a lot of very early trauma. So it will get tangled up in our bodies whether we want it to or not. But for how it continued to get piled in there and reinforced, I think it might have to do with my emotional world never being okay (reinforced by family), but neither was having a body, so I'm sort of screwed. In general, some cultures are a little more prone to somaticizing and I'm part of one of them, reinforced by early experience and the situation in my family. It's very hard to break out of because physical problems feel more acceptable to others....also, I do not feel real to myself if I feel "good" (that part more connected to trauma). My good days seem to involve a level of suffering or pain that I feel like I have control over.

I have been able to give a couple more hints to just a couple friends that I know won't reject me, like women in my 12-step meeting. I have only told them I'm working on some trauma stuff, something general like that. I find they accept that but still don't offer help or ask. I think with this stuff people feel very intimidated in knowing how to help, so they focus on where they feel more equipped to help..??? Like you said, it's more obvious to know how to help someone with a physical injury or limitation perhaps. It feels less like you can injure them more by saying the wrong thing. I just wish more people could say simple things like "Let me know if I can help" or "I'm here to listen".....I don't want anyone to try to fix me. It would help if I felt that a couple people could just listen.

 

[MT Johnny]

I have encountered the same kind of thing with my family. I've been cut into 6 times by my cardiologist for a relatively trivial and non-life threatening condition - minor surgeries done in office in their surgical suite with only a local - and a couple of them cluck and fuss over that. Deep suicidal depression and I get nada other than grief because I'm not getting their tax returns done fast enough or whatever.

Personally, I blame the mental health system for all of the bad s*** we endure because of the fundamental way it treats people like criminals not like patients as it does with any physical disorder. Society locks up "bad people", it locks up "crazy people" therefore by implication we must be bad. That attitude is pervasive - and I can only imagine how much worse it must have been 50 years ago or more.

Tragedies like the Germanwings murder/suicide are going to keep happening until mental health achieves a treatment and attitude parity with physical health issues - because as it stands people who come forward for treatment are stigmatized, dehumanized and suffer as much from the way they are treated by the MH system, society at large, and people in their own lives as they do from their illnesses.

I have a client going through a lengthy and difficult IRS matter after a voluntary disclosure of a completely innocent major violation of the law due to ignorance. He repeatedly says "it's so unfair, I did the right thing and am being punished for it" - he is kinda right, part of it is the particular agent we are dealing with is a real harda** jerk, part of it is the drive to collect as much as possible out of taxpayers since the U.S. government is deeply in debt - and the mental health system and society at large act exactly like the IRS and punish people for coming forward and seeking help.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@shimmerz Certainly confusing with family suddenly giving (a damn.) I have the same 'seven year itch' ; / being paid attention to due to physical.

So what is it? They know I am back up and functioning normally (mentally). Their sudden concern now that I am physically ill has me a bit thrown off. I mean, seriously I am confused. I used to sleep in my car in 5 degree fahrenheit weather and they knew that. No calls. What is it about being physically sick that spurs people into action that being tortured mentally does not?

Physical was not your fault. Mental is pull up your own boot straps. I think it is fear. There but for the grace of god, go I. Oh, you have a broken ankle, how did that happen? Oh, you ……………………. don't want to know or think about what or how that happened. Fear. Particularly for those that know you before.

 

[rightkindofme]

That sounds really hard. People are so hard.

 

[jaccat]

Fear. The mind is a big dark scary place and the thought that something can go 'wrong' with it scares the crap out of people.

 

[Eleanor]

I also think it is fear. Physical injury or illness is scary - but we have stories to distance ourselves from that... but mental illness... is REALLY scary and we don't have any stories - or even social conventions to deal with it. It kind of throws social conventions out the window....

I'm glad they are paying attention for SOMETHING at least.... If this is what they can deal with... let them?

 

[sun seeker]

Grrrrr!!!

That's my comment on this. Enough said.

p.s. Okay, I'll say something more. This annoys me so much, the word "annoy" is a gross understatement. The ignorance and callousness of the general public on this issue is so huge. In my experience it's the exception, not the rule.

There was a man I knew, not a close friend but someone I'd known for years, who committed suicide a year or so ago. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't been around him for a while so had no idea how bad it was for him. It got me talking with a few friends about how to handle crisis situations to support people better in the future. This came around the time another friend died of cancer, and I was part of her support team in the months before her death. The support system we came up with for that worked really well and I wondered why we couldn't transfer the same kind of thing to help people who were struggling in a different way.

It was quite telling, the reactions I got to this idea talking with a friend who knows trauma well, and another who doesn't. The former listened to my ideas and liked them. The latter listened, sort of conceded on some points, but kept coming up with caveats. "Well, but he kept isolating himself." I tried to point out how dealing with the effects of trauma does isolate people and that there are ways of being supportive anyway. "But the isolation is because of choices they've made," she said. At that point I was too upset to want to keep on talking. Where does one begin?

Grrrrr. Oh, I've said that already, haven't I.

 

[littlelostchild]

I wonder if it would be different if there was a big campaign done to increase the profile and raise money to fund research into mental illness. There are all kinds of Cancer and Heart foundations with their big fundraising runs and bike rides and lotteries. People talk about relatives with these diseases and how much the doctors and hospitals do for them.

I know that here there is a one day a year 'Lets talk about it' campaign. That's not what I mean, I mean a huge get it out there like cancer or heart disease, etc. but it would take someone really taking up the cause, bringing it out of the shadows. But it won't be me, too much stigma, too much at stake. I'm hiding in the shadows :(.

A colleague of mine went off work for cancer treatment and a team rallied around her. I went off work and got a card 6 months later. I know I mysteriously disappeared, but really?

 

[PlainJane]

I'll try the link again.

Link Removed

Thought it had good and bad points, let me know what you think.

Not implying anything by the way. :) when I'm currently in a "pity party" mode I don't recognize it. But with hind sight I can that's how it's perceived.

 

[Go Hungry]

I'll try the link again.

Link Removed

Thought it had good and bad points, let me know what you think.

How odd. I can see where that is going. Like.. begging for love from other's when you don't love yourself. Wow, now -that's- some needy behaviour. I can see myself doing that constantly, at least in the past. Nowadays I have gotten kind of better at the sort of Self-pity that is described in that article. Hmm...

Oh, but on another note.. About the main subject. I notice this all the time. When there is a physical sign of some frailty, be it a cane or wheelchair or something similar, people take note. They want to be involved, or at least.. help hold the elevator door every once in a while. Ahhh...

Maybe it's the involvement that scares people. I mean, I know that I have turned down people who have the 'poor pitiful me" attitude, precisely because I just couldn't support them at that time. I couldn't even support myself, I sure as hell didn't have time to pour into them. And I saw the hurt in their eyes. It sucked, but I had to reject them because it was a matter of survival. (Nowadays I don't feel so bad about it though. Toxic relationships are just like drugs, in that they suck up all your time and energy and they can be addictive as hell.)

((((( And, just to play Devil's Advocate for a moment.. What do other people owe me, exactly? What obligation are they under? Why -should- they get engaged with a spooky shivering wreck who is clearly ill, and pretty standoffish to boot?

What did I owe that guy who was reaching out for help? Nothing. I didn't -owe- him anything. If anything I owed myself the freedom and time that getting involved with this clearly co-dependent dude would have devoured?

So it kinda sucks, because for the most part, -nobody- owes anything to another. Not really. I don't owe my abusers the time of day, much less support of any kind. Even though they are family. )))))

Sorry about the tangent. Anyways... Maybe that's a part of why people seem to just straight out avoid the mentally ill. I mean... because there is no way to help that person without getting engaged somewhat. Holding a door for someone is a hell of a lot less trouble than trying to help a person who's disability is WAAAY beyond that sort of fix. Just like caring for an elderly person is a significant investment of time and energy (holy shit is that an understatement) being engaged in a deep way with the mentally ill is a daunting task.

Damn, it's all so weird. I know that once I started organizing my life and taking steps to make it easier on myself, my life drastically changed for the better. I mean, I didn't all of a sudden cheer up and have no symptoms, but I had a lot less to worry about in my daily life. That just falls under self-care though. So in a way, it sort of makes sense. "Normal" people can't see all the efforts is takes to even achieve a normal life. They don't want to see it, don't want to feel a challenge to their self-image as a 'caring' person. They just see a guy who is struggling to do they things they take for granted, and blame him for it.

But yeah, people do tend to minimize the effects of an unseen disability so much more than they do a visible one. And that blows.