I Don't Believe Myself

[shimmerz]

I am walking around today disbelieving a very real physical issue that I have. I am beating myself up over it. I cried over it. I am calling myself crazy over it. I don't understand what is going on in my head. Why don't I believe me? Why do I refuse to believe my body when it is trying to tell me something? What is WRONG with me????

My pancreas is fine apparently. The doctor is planning on going to town with the tests because as he stated (without my mentioning it), I could not 'localize' where the pain was. He said all organs (gallbladder, kidney, liver, pancreas) are looking great. No pseudocysts anymore. Bloodwork was excellent. My friend was at the appt with me because I was sick today. He told the doctor that he has known me for years and that something is very wrong. Had my friend not been with me, I wouldn't have been able to say that about myself. Why not? Nope doctor, you are right. I have been faking for the last four months. Don't bother doing more tests because I am f*cked in the head.

The doctor didn't give me a hard time, my friend, when I asked him (like three times) 'Could I be faking this?' reassured me so convincingly, but I feel like I can't believe him. I have to be faking it. But logic dictates for so many reasons that I am not. But I have to be. I have to be. I am so lost right now.

I am so sorry for this. This seems like so much drama.

 

[sun seeker]

What is WRONG with me????

Nothing. The tests are fallible. You are absolutely not faking, nor do you have anything to be sorry about. You don't believe yourself because you had to decide you were wrong a long time ago, to survive. Doesn't mean it's the truth.

 

[NarcSis]

It's not drama, it's you not being able to trust your own judgement and consequently negative self talk. PTSD makes it hard for us to trust even ourselves.
I go through this, severe headaches that I convince myself are nothing but when I'm finally concerned enough to see a Dr, I feel like they automatically discount my concerns because of the PTSD. At least your Dr is pressing on.
Right now, in this very moment not any possible futures, you are okay. It's the worry-mindset that'll drag you down.
Right now, you are okay and managing. Hugs.

 

[Born to Run]

I don't believe you are faking anything. Please no sorries, this must be confusing as hell. I was thinking about this issue of yours last week and I thought what if this is such a fragmented child part of you that contains the pancreatic pain, in a somatic way, or psychosomatic way, that it is possible that you feel the pain of the child through this old somatic pain in this fragmented part. As I feel there is a coupling of big trauma and pancreatic pain in early days. It would explain why the doc would not find much physically, while you know there is something wrong. I would go and do somatic experiencing for this, because as you say there is a reason that your body is telling you this.

 

[shimmerz]

When I was about 7 months old I was taken from my bio parents and I was starved. I had jaundice and was really really sick. I wondered about this when I was in the hospital. Whether it was an instant replay. I mean, I stopped triggering, stopped with the catatonia as mere few weeks before this happened.

The sickness I had when I was 7 mths was very similar physically (as it was documented) but of course this time around I couldn't tell the doctors that or I would have ended up on the 'other ward'. I mean, I guess I can be happy that my pancreas is not eating itself. But really, is psychosomatic actually 'doing damage' inside? I had cysts and everything while I was in the hospital. Does that make it a figment of my imagination?

What I don't understand about all of this is this 'split in consciousness' in me where one side telling me that I am just lying about the whole thing and the other side saying
'no, that isn't possible, it is true because of this and this and this'. I mean, I don't act like this when I am well. Ever. Why is my logical side so weak in this. Honestly, if i had been at the doctors on my own today I would have thanked him and walked out and just left it at that. My friend knew it too, which is why he came. I feel like this is my passive die part coming out to play or something and that part of me is damning me for even bringing my friend because then nobody would have to know about this and I could just 'go away' one day. This is so messed up. Seriously.messed.up.

 

[Born to Run]

Sorry, I thought you mentioned there were no cysts and all was fine today.

Could it be that you think you are lying, because at the 7 mths you were not attended to in time, or not at all? Implying to the infant, well nobody is noticing how sick I am, that you had to start believing yourself that there can be not really something wrong with me? Having to deny it to yourself. This all in terms of survival of neglect, and the mind f*ck that we have to do to ourselves at such an age. To keep the illusion alive that the parent is right and we must be wrong.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry, I thought you mentioned there were no cysts and all was fine today.

She did, there were cysts before but not today, or whenever the tests were taken.

 

[shimmerz]

because at the 7 mths you were not attended to in time, or not at all?

Yes, I was seriously starved at the time. Urgent medical care necessary. Apparently bio mom was attempting to feed me stuff (by her own admission) that was not fit for human consumption. So it took them about 3 weeks before I would take anything in again. It was the last good foster home I was in. Once I was healthy again they shipped me back to bio parents. No one watched to see if I was okay. I came out of bio's house that time and was called a monster from that time onwards. Prior to that I was sweet, lovable, beautiful.

At least your Dr is pressing on.

This is very true, and thank you so much @Medic72 for responding. The doctor is really good. I keep looking at the test forms and saying to myself, yeah, right, I am not doing these. Then my logical voice goes, you idiot, just do them. Then another voice says 'for what'? Like a freaking ping pong ball. I seem to be much more comfortable with the idea of just hitting the road and quietly dying somewhere if there is something wrong. If there isn't still hitting the road and living my goddam life again.

there were cysts before but not today, or whenever the tests were taken.

Yes, that is right. Thank you Sun. I am not being very clear right now and I apologize.

 

[sun seeker]

I came out of bio's house that time and was called a monster from that time onwards.

Shaking my head... anyone who would call a baby a monster...

Prior to that I was sweet, lovable, beautiful.

And you still are. I can tell that even from here.

 

[shimmerz]

And you still are.

If I was they wouldn't have documented what they did. People left me on porches in November for the day, people called up insisting they get this 'monster child' out of their home, husbands would call saying their wives were losing it because of me. Too much data to support the monster theory I am afraid.

 

[sun seeker]

A baby is not a monster. I don't care what the data says.

 

[WildMermaid]

@shimmerz I really hope they figure what is wrong soon! :hug:, love, and don't give up.