I Don't Believe Myself

[ms spock]

You don't believe yourself because you had to decide you were wrong a long time ago, to survive. Doesn't mean it's the truth.

It is the way of Complex Trauma.

And if it turns out to be somatisation - that is a real thing too - it is the body's way of dealing with you huge scary feelings.

And was there something that you could have had that might have cleared up by now?

 

[ms spock]

Too much data to support the monster theory I am afraid.

White America had "data" to support that Black America deserved to be slaves.
The Nazis had "data" to support their position that Jews and everyone else they didn't like deserved to go to the gas chambers.
Sexual abusers have "data" in their heads that justifies the sexual abuse of the children they abuse.
Data is always open to interpretation and revision.

I get the Complex Trauma nameless dread and self hatred thing though, I really do.

 

[ms spock]

People left me on porches in November for the day, people called up insisting they get this 'monster child' out of their home, husbands would call saying their wives were losing it because of me. Too much data to support the monster theory I am afraid.

Respectfully, no that is called confirmation bias.

 

[Born to Run]

@sun seeker Sorry, now I read your first post again, it seems we were thinking the same thing, and I just wrote it in different words. It was very late here, when responding last night, so I just notice it now. Did not mean to repeat :sleep:

@shimmerz If I may ask how is it possible that you were sent back to bio monsters after they starved you? WTF?!?!

 

[shimmerz]

And was there something that you could have had that might have cleared up by now?

Well, the pancreatitis was real. They caught it in my Amylase readings and on the CT scan while I was in the hospital it was very real.

Based on the last CT scan it has cleared up. The doctor believes that whatever is affecting me now may well have caused the pancreatitis. He is suggesting we search for that. My thought is to suck it up buttercup. Given my life situation, this seems like the best solution but I don't know if that is trauma talk or realistic.

 

[shimmerz]

how is it possible that you were sent back to bio monsters after they starved you?

A Children's Aid psychiatrist ordered it. This would have been the forth time I was sent back to them. Truly it is f*ed up.

 

[ms spock]

Well, the pancreatitis was real. They caught it in my Amylase readings and on the CT scan. So yes, it was real and based on the last CT scan has cleared up. The doctor believes that whatever is affecting me now may well have caused the pancreatitis. He is suggesting we search for that.

So you had the pancreatitus but you are scared to look for the thing that caused that?

So it is distorted cognition from complex trauma that is your challenge.

It is all real - it is you not believing yourself.

Hugs to you shimmerz.

My thought is to suck it up buttercup. Given my life situation, this seems like the best solution but I don't know if that is trauma talk or realistic.

Trauma talk - that is not helpful. Distorted cognitions.

This is small child stuff. Of not wanting to even try out to work out the problem because it is all too much.

Be kind to that small scared part that just wants to disappear rather than deal with stuff. She is brave.

 

[shimmerz]

distorted cognition

I am not so certain it is distorted cognition right now Ms. Spock. It isn't a matter of being scared, it is technically not possible to have a place to heal if this is something that requires medical intervention. There is no point in knowing that I could fix something when I have no means of convalescing. So although yes, this ties into past stuff, the present is punching me in the head as well. The term 'what is the point' comes to mind. I have no idea how I 'got here', but here I am.

 

[ms spock]

I don't understand @shimmerz. Could you please explain more?

So do you not have money for a potential procedure?
You don't know if you need to have a procedure yet though? As you don't know what is wrong?

Do you mean that you have no where safe to be if you needed to have recovery time?

What if you didn't need surgery but medication? What if finding out means you can manage other things?

Is it the not having somewhere safe and supported to re-cooperate that makes you feel what is the point?

What if there were other things that could be done without a procedure like you fear?

I am guessing what you mean, so nothing meant by it but trying to understand.

 

[shimmerz]

Is it the not having somewhere safe and supported to re-cooperate that makes you feel what is the point?

Yes. This. There is no place to heal. It seems hopeless because there is no sense of future. That isn't a CPTSD thing either. I know the difference. This is real. I am going to be more cognitively aware throughout my day today, try to suppress the moaning and groaning, look at this from a different angle. What I do know is that I don't want to know if it is a potentially 'must operate' thing because then I am screwing everyone I know. They can't take care of me and right now I have no place to go. It is a problem.

 

[shimmerz]

Be kind to that small scared part that just wants to disappear rather than deal with stuff. She is brave.

I think what is getting me here is that yes, I know I am brave, she is brave. But stupid comes to mind here too. I have been consistently in these positions all of my life. It is like the lesson that never goes away and I just don't get the point. I have worked full time + for the past 8 years almost on this stuff. I seem farther away than I was when I didn't work on it. It just seems so pointless.

 

[greenleaf]

What I do know is that I don't want to know if it is a potentially 'must operate' thing because then I am screwing everyone I know. They can't take care of me and right now I have no place to go. It is a problem

Hi Shimmerz, please take this one step at a time **and** take care of your health -- you are important!!! Don't look way down the road and make assumptions right now about what won't be available. If you need surgery, it seems likely that the hospital can't legally discharge you afterwards unless you have a safe appropriate place to go. That is in the U.S. I think anyway? Canada seems like it must be better than here... :rolleyes:

People and systems can step up amazingly when they see an emergency physical health problem I think; it is different from how our ptsd issues have typically been dealt with for a lot of us, so you would be getting a different set of reactions from a lot of people and you might assume much worse than is true.