Current/past Sex Questions For Women Who Have Been Raped

[Hooper]

I've got another thread posted about my wife's rape. When I found the site I didn't roam around. I just got straight to the point and started my own thread with my own issues. It's been a great help and I figured I needed a separate thread to cover the topic. All I know is my own experience. I have not and do not discuss my sex life with anyone. I can here because it's anonymous and I haven't once felt like someone was not speaking the truth. As I've roamed around the site I've seen issues pop up that once again have me feeling like I have had my head up my ass so here goes.

I started dating my wife when I was 29 and she was 22. I had slept with 7 people up until that point. 2 were 1x events, 2 were less than 5x and 3 relationships were about 2 years each which are the ones I'll focus on. All 3 relationships prior to my wife followed a similar pattern. In the beginning we had a lot of sex. I was 19 to early 20's in 2 of the 3. By a lot I mean a couple of times a day. I think of it as the rabbit phase of a relationship. Then it planes out to a consistent 4-5 x a week. In my first one things went to shit after I returned from going abroad for a semester. My 2nd ended amicably when her visa expired. It was odd but I went to her home country (France), spent a great Christmas/New Year's traveling the countryside, hugged/cried/kissed at the airport and that was the end of it.

The 3rd was a debacle. I decided I was no longer going to hide anything about myself like I did with my 2nd long term relationship. Specifically that I smoked pot so I started dating someone that did the same but also drank much more then I ever did as well as smoked cigarettes which was a first for me but I didn't have to hide anything. My Dad came up to visit with a "friend" who couldn't keep her hands off of him while he was in a relationship (long term and currently married to). It pissed me off because it was blatant and never should have happened. He contends he wasn't married and was behaving accordingly. It pissed my girlfriend off to the point she decided to disclose it to my Dad's now step daughter when both were drunk. It was ugly. On it's own it was no reason to break up but added to other issues I called it a day after a month maybe. She ended up marrying a rock star/bass player for a well known band almost twice her age which is part of my rationale for believing my current sex life is far above par since I figure a rock star wouldn't settle for a sub par sex life. This was when I was 25 to 27.

At this point the next girlfriend was getting full disclosure as well but I was not going to deal with heavy drinking or cigarettes. To say I raised my standards would be unfair to my previous girlfriend because she is a very good person at heart but I did weed out a lot of the dating pool. It was a vicious dry spell that lasted over 2 years. 1998 and 1999 came and went. I didn't really close out the millenium very strongly but that was fine. I did not want to waste my time or theirs on something that had no potential even though I really wasn't looking to get married. It doesn't make much sense as I write it but that is where I was.

When I met my wife and we started dating it followed a similar pattern as the other 3 relationships. I didn't know of her rape until a year or so later. There were 2 things that were very different though. From the first time we had sex until today we always used some form of lubrication. After reading through the forums this apparently isn't uncommon among rape victims. I googled it and it is common. About 40% of the female population uses some form of lube. The largest members of the group are post menopausal women and victims of sexual abuse. If 1 in 5 women are raped they could make up a large portion of the 40%. I never tied the possibility of needing lubrication to the rape. She takes benadryl almost every night to sleep. I read somewhere that benadryl may not be helping matters as well as the fact that it can decrease libido and wrote it off to that. Now I'm thinking it could totally be a result of the rape and taking benadryl to sleep is a side effect of the rape. Secondly she is not into receiving oral sex at all. My experience is limited but I have never run across that until reading a forum here today where a victim said she was not into receiving at all either. I personally enjoy it but not at her expense.

If this is tmi whoever has the power can delete the thread but I would really like to know the answers. Again the patterns were the same in all relationships as well as the others that were very short term. I can't help but thinking the rape has something to do with one or both of these differences. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Also for what it's worth she was on welbutrin when we started dating and is not now. Pot went the way of the dodo bird when my son told me I stunk. I still smoke a couple times a year and probably always will.
thanks

 

[Sighs]

I would really like to know the answers

I can't for the life of me figure out what your questions are.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to be interested to see where this goes.

You're wondering if her doing better with lubrication and not liking oral sex are related to the rape?

I think the best answer to your questions, with the information available is "maybe". The lube thing can just be an individual difference. It's also true it's more likely to be an issue after menopause. The natural lubrication that a woman produces does seem like it works better when you're into what's going on and aren't scared or otherwise stressed. Depends on the person though. So, yes, if she's distracted thinking about the rape while having sex with you, that would reasonably be expected to have a negative affect.

Oral sex? Was that a part of the rape? Personally, my deal was childhood and I don't have clear memories. I can tell you this. The smell of semen makes me gag like pretty much nothing else does. I'm pretty sure the taste would make me throw up and I have no desire to try. Does that have to do with the childhood stuff? I don't know for sure, but I sort of expect that it does. These days, I realize that some guys might find that disappointing. That's fine. They aren't guys that I have to be that involved with.

 

[hodge]

What Sighs said. What are you asking specifically?

 

[Kefira]

The lube thing can just be an individual difference

This. Although probably for people who have sexual trauma there's a bigger chance of a stress response causing an issue, as well as a bunch of potential reproductive issues that are often tied loosely to trauma history that can cause that.

As for the oral sex issue for me it was definitely related to my trauma but I was conditioned to believe that the only thing I could possibly be good for, the only thing keeping me alive, was to please men sexually. Oral sex was about me and was terrifying to me because it made me vulnerable, it was uncomfortably affectionate (anything showing kindness intimately still is a stressor for me), and I would have a survival instinct to do anything I possibly could to get the focus back on the male individual in the picture, so that I wouldn't be as likely to be tortured in retaliation for not doing my only job as a female. Seriously, I would basically become frantic. But that's a pretty specific reasoning behind it. I think you'd find that it might be affected by a number of different thought processes.

 

[scout86]

Oral sex was about me and was terrifying to me because it made me vulnerable,

Being on the receiving end kind of freaks me out too and this makes total sense. Never thought of it before, but I think you're on to something.

 

[illusionist]

I've known women who are not into receiving oral sex who have not been through rape or a sexually abused past...so it may or may not be due to the rape.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think that these things could easily be preferences. We all have them. For some of us, they are related to past traumas. For others, they are just likes and dislikes. And the lube thing? Everyone is different. And it depends on so many things and factors like individual anatomy, plus it's such an easy fix that, at least to me, it hardly warrants second thought unless it is causing your partner distress.

Ultimately, how does SHE feel about all of this?

 

[Recovery4Me]

You know, going to a T with her to discuss her trauma and how you might support her better -or-ways to help someone through flashbacks is one thing (to me). Delving into rape survivors sexual preferences to compare and contrast excludes the fact of her being unique and having boundaries. It kind of makes me slightly perturbed that you equate the manner in which she (a human being not a sex object) wishes to make love with you, may be found faulty due to rape.

So let me offer this as a survivor, just my take...my dog, pick-up truck,& American Bandana are who I am despite the rapist. I had & have preferences which are different and uniquely mine. Be gentle with her. Your sexual prowess has nothing to do with her healing: the organ needed is your heart.

 

[Sighs]

I have never been raped or sexually assaulted, but I am female. And I have certain sexual preferences. The reason I posted earlier trying to get @Hooper to clarify his questions was because I found the entire tone of his post offensive to women. All the comparing and contrasting and the obsession with whether he is having better sex than other people. Frankly, I find it a bit weird. Having said that, I appreciate that text only is a difficult mode of communication and maybe I am missing his meaning.

@Hooper - what difference does it make to you whether your wife doesn't like sex act A because of the rape, or because of her personal anatomy or because it reminds her of a (non abusive) ex or because it just doesn't do it for her? I just don't understand what outcome you are aiming for with this post.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Sighs ...I understood:hug::hug:. You are very gentle in your responses.
Takes lots of us to see things from all sides, yes?:tup:

 

[desiderata310]

It sounds like what you REALLY want to know is how much of this has impacted your sex life and her day to day life in ways that you have overlooked and dismissed over the years.

Stop.

I was irrevocably changed ages ago before I could even conceptualize what sex really was. I was changed again by my now ex.
As @Recovery4Me put it she is still who she is despite that.
My foul mouth, hot-headedness, love for all things bikes are me despite those things. I am still me. She is still her.
I COULD still enjoy sex again, potentially at some point. She obviously can.

Feeling somehow cheated is not the way to go about this.

Here's the thing about the stuff you are doing research on: it SEEMS like a good idea to find out and understand and really KNOW the how's and whys. But if you turn around and say to her "I know why you need the lube now"... What have you gained? In all likelihood not much. You'll have made her more self conscious of this fact. Some lady parts just don't lube proper. It doesn't ALWAYS have to be because of a mis-wiring in our heads.

In otherwords, you're in danger of over analyzing.

I get it: you've learned new stuff, you're anxious to learn everything and know all the answers but the truth is that you CAN'T know all the answers. No one can. There are entirely too many variables at play

Since we are wandering down the road of TMI anyway...
Oral sex for me? TOO MUCH stimulation. It becomes uncomfortable in a different way. Some of us have super sensitive clitorises. Hell, I have a super sensitive EVERYTHING. (YAY for being an HSP!) It's impossible to enjoy it. It's like being tickled for too long. It's no longer funny and it just starts to grate and make every nerve scream, ever muscle tense up and not in the happy sexy kind of way. After a short time it's like torture- not happy sexy time. I don't believe that this is because of my abuse. It COULD be, I suppose but I believe that this is because I am just a strange sensitive person (highly sensitive person) and that because of this I experience things a little differently. Truth or not, this is how I chose to view me. It is my truth. It makes me feel more comfortable about me.

I have moments of high libido. I have bouts of low libido. I have insomnia and sleep often take prescidence over sex no matter how much I may or may not want it.
I also have an allergy to semen and to latex codoms. Yes, sex for me is just unimaginable joy. "Let's have sex".. great, I am going to be itchy and uncomfortable for days after all for 30 seconds of woohoo... ALMOST doesn't seem worth it.

That doesn't mean I didn't have great sex by the way....

What does SHE believe about herself?
I think this is the question that is most important. If she has a healthy view of herself, her sex life, her body... then, really that's that matters.

At the end of the day, it really IS all that matters. Not the rape.

The remainder after that, is in your head for you to sort out.