How Do You Define Self-harm?

[The Albatross]

Do you have to disclose? Nope, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do... but the flip side of that is having a therapeutic relationship where you are withholding. The shrink might not know that or may guess perhaps... but you will. It could affect your treatment. How soon do you want to get better is what I ask myself with difficult things when I was in therapy? Part of the process is being willing to expose, talk about, process uncomfortable things.

 

[Friday]

Also to add to the list:
working out beyond what is ordinary without proper nutrition or regard to one's "limits" and without regard to certain parameters.
so exessive workouts can be added to that list.

This one. Right here.

Exercise of various kinds is one of the most helpful things for managing my symptoms. And some things that look like self harm in it? Really aren't. They're part of normal training. But man oh man oh man ...do I have to be careful. Because things that don't look like self harm, are indeed things a person gets praised over doing? And the results of long term self harm? (I used to have a seriously banging body once upon a time)... Are also seriously praised. ((Even if not by my sports med orthopedic surgeon, no matter how many boats my particular flavor of self harm buys him. I love sports med guys. They know there's no way in hell you're going to listen to normal people instructions. So they give you real goals.))

It's taken me a long time to be able to define the line.

I just started back into very basic training. Can't even really be called training-training. My diet went south. Almost immediately. At the moment I can't maintain the nutrient load for it. I'm still trying. But a hot dog and a sandwich isn't even enough for normal walking and talking, much less 4 easy hours at the gym. And doesn't even come close to 4 training hours at the gym. So I've been sticking with Zoyo (think yoga, it's not yoga, but similar impact levels) & stretching only, or nothing. Which kills me. Makes me so frustrated, and sad, and angry... And doesn't help my PTSD symptoms at all.

I need to eat. Step 1.
I need to not lose those nutrients and f*ck up my salts by puking or fire (anxiety levels, not bulemia). Step 2.
I need to work out ONLY to the level of non-injury. I can feel like I'm gonna die, or puke and run on, that's fine, that's just being out of shape. Riding the endorphin high or disassociation numb to torn up tendons & ligaments, broken bones, bloody blisters to the bone? Eating the adrenaline, and using the physical pain to trump emotional pain? Not okay. Step 3.

I need to not spend a week asleep or refuse to even walk and talk & do zoyo & stretching. because I'm sulking I can't do more. Step 0.
Body moving. Body moving.
A1 sound, sound so soothing
Body movin, body movin,
We be getting down and you know we're crush groovin

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@digger I think I'm just afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of her overreacting. I'm afraid of it being misinterpreted and being committed. I'm just afraid. Afraid of everything, everywhere.

But I think that it is important for me to speak it instead of writing it - over the years, writing has become a crutch for me, a way to not totally own the material I am trying to communicate.

It just seems like no matter how bad it is (and right now, it's not bad at all) I can rationalize away how it could be worse and therefore is not worthy of speaking about. Nothing I do is that bad, because I'm not dead. Problematic, I know.

and @The Albatross I want to be better like, twelve or fifteen years ago. This time around with therapy IS really different because I'm trying to disclose important things; I am trying to engage and expose myself and process uncomfortable things. But sometimes it is so F$%^&( hard to push myself, and I get afraid because pushing myself too far actually increases my self-harming thoughts.

So, I think that is my fear - to talk about the urges makes the urges stronger, which means I'm more likely to accidentally act on them …..

 

[The Albatross]

@The Albatross I want to be better like, twelve or fifteen years ago. This time around with therapy IS really different because I'm trying to disclose important things; I am trying to engage and expose myself and process uncomfortable thing.

Hmm. Rolling back the clock is not a very realistic/rational option.... and if you are as you say "trying to engage and expose yourself and process uncomfortable thing" yet you reserve this aspect of your experience... well how well would you like to get? Half way? Not me.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

how well would you like to get? Half way?

I'm terrified of who I am without PTSD. Silly, I know. Most of me wants full recovery. Part of me is still conflicted, nervous and scared of who I am minus PTSD. This is a whole different struggle.

I also am trying to find the line between exposing too much too quickly (which cycles me into a place where I'm not stable enough/don't have the skills to cope) and withholding things that are important and could impede my recovery. I can't figure this one out sometimes.

 

[The Albatross]

That is actually an astute observation, one that I would do some self reflection, self examination and time in therapy about. The too much to quickly thing is expressing a preference. How long did I want it to hurt? It is preferential... solely. Some keep the band aid on there til it is curling up and ready to fall on of it's own. Some tend to it, applying oils to the adhesive to lessen the perceived pain. Some pull it off slowly... some quickly.

I think rationally I would recognize that absolutely... withholding things that are important and could impede your recovery... like self harm. It ain't a shame/blame/guilt thing. It is a X on the map "You are Here".

 

[Friday]

I'm terrified of who I am without PTSD.

I've gotten "better", before.

You get to keep the parts you like.

Think of it this way; PTSD is life long. Permanent change in the brain. Recovery is ditching the symptoms you don't like. They'll still crop up from time to time. But the stuff you do like? It takes months and years to change the symptoms you don't . And they still crop up! It's not like the symptoms you do like have a different time scale to change. The stuff you like is yours. All yours.

I kept my hypervig. I put it to work. I did alter it to such a degree that I was the only one who knew about it, I was in control of it, instead of it being in control of me. It's back full force, now, and annoying again. So I've got to make it all smooth and seamless, again. But I like my situational awareness. So I keep it. I just tone it down.

Snort. Just. Sorry... Lol... It's a Helluva long road to affect any kind of taming the beast. "Just" cracks me up. It's one of the awesome things about PTSD symptoms, though (in comparison to other disorders); they're malleable. We can adjust how they express themselves. Over time. With a lot of hard work. But we can do it. They aren't static, fixed, and unchangeable.

 

[Chava]

Do I have to disclose? What actually counts as self-harm? Nothing I'm doing will cause lasting damage, so I've always assumed that it's no big deal.

You don't have to disclose anything. It's all your choice. But ask yourself what level of help you want...and why, or why not. Self-harm is NOT about scars or lasting damage. It's about...self-harm. It's a clue that we aren't coping super well or that we are over-whelmed. The possibilities for self-harm are endless. I've done the standard cutting and burning. But I've also hit and clawed myself. I've taken non-lethal overdoses of aspirin just to hurt my insides. I've also thrown up water just to purge (nothing to do with weight)...that was my self-harm for a while...because it was not healthy and it was all about either punishing myself or getting me back to a numbed out and okay place.

Are you afraid your therapist will over-react? Or afraid of her reaction in any way? Like are you afraid to tell your therapist because you are afraid to let go of these things right now or have them challenged? Is it that you feel like you don't have other options and don't want to feel like she might try to take them away from you, so to speak? I understand that. But just some questions for you because maybe it will help you bring it up to her if you can understand a bit why you are afraid. It's important to share this stuff with a therapist if you really want to move beyond, but it might help to know if you feel safe telling her and also if you feel like it's something that can be challenged or if it feels completely like the only way to deal right now.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I don't think this is about punishing myself …. I think it's about wanting to be completely numbed out. I'm trying to fight my innate tendency to dissociate on a massive, problematic scale, and that's meant that I'm aware of just how much emotional pain I'm in. Paradoxically, the physical pain helps makes the other pain disappear …..

I am worried about her overreacting. I think I'M more worried about it than she will be. And obviously, the behavior will get challenged (as it should) and there is a little part of me that is afraid to give up the possibility of self-harming.

I know I need to tell her. I see her tomorrow, and I will try. It's also hard having just twelve sessions, because I'm already half way through and I don't want to waste any time on self-harm stuff that could be dedicated to actually resolving the trauma. So, I think I'm scared to talk about it in a way because I'm so hard-headed about needing to resolve the trauma stuff (with the idea that this will go away once that starts to resolve). I feel like I can't slow down at all.

 

[The Albatross]

"I'm so hard-headed about needing to resolve the trauma stuff (with the idea that this will go away once that starts to resolve)..." combined with being half way through 12 sessions is another astute observation. One I would also share in therapy.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I totally chickened out on telling her today, and now I feel even worse about it. UGH. I guess I'm scared to give it up ….

 

[desiderata310]

NOPE NOPE NOPE
Gotta stop that shit. This is hard. I mean.. it's stupid hard. Basically going into therapy is like walking in and taking your soul out and letting somone poke around inside. It's gonna be hard. It's going to be scary.
The only reason I have managed to get ANYWHERE (and I haven't made it far) in therapy is because I started writing email about shit.
The funny thing is, nothing surprises him. Nothing. Not. a. damn. thing. He's gotten mad FOR me when I seemed unphased at something I had lived through. But never surprised.

My guess... nah... my conviction is that your therapist ALREADY knows. She hasn't brought it up out of giving you the oppertunity to say it. But please, don't feel bad about not bringing it up. Therapy is hard enough without adding that to it.

It's ok. Really. Hell just ...jot it on a post it note and hand it to her on the way in. She's not going to think less of you. *shrug* she's heard it all before. It's just another symptom for her to know about.