Full Blown Panic Attack.

[Deleted member 20280]

Today marks my second anniversary post diagnosis and f*ck me am I shitting myself. Two years ago I took an online diagnostic test devised by my then Therapist. THis would show at what severity my condition lay. I was to take this in silence and answer multiple questions.

So I did just that. Ended the test and sent him the results before I met up with him in person.


My score marker came back at 79%. Placing me in the top 1 % of the UK sufferer population. So I was f*cked for good then ?

I have been coping quite well these last few days as I have clicked with another forum member and we have been helping each other manage our situations and get through each day. There may be numerous miles seperating us but we are closer now than I think I have ever been to another person in my life. She is that good a friend and a dear sweet person.

I have since that day been further diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder with Explosive tendancies/triggers and potential for Dissociative Identity Disorder as well as I struggle with keeping myself, the bastard and little Laurie safe from harm.

So I ended up in a full blown heart pounding panic about half an hour ago. My one and only saving grace being that wonderful and caring friend I have met here.

I have been so panicked I have caught myself regressing back to the age of three when I used to force myself to stay awake and guard my baby sisters cot all night against my abuser, my then thirteen year old brother.

I stood vigilant through her slumber in our nursery at the age of three, making sure that he could not hurt her. He abused me for the next twelve years every day and especially at his bedtime. This is the root cause of most of my terrors and nightmares still to this day.

As a direct result of his abuses and attacks on my child body I would wet myself right up until the age of thirteen, having to hide the urine soaked pyjamas I had been wearing through the night, changing my bed sheets every day and smelling like a toilet all day.

My dear friend has pointed out however that I am now a man and if anyone tried to hurt me or another person I would have the capability to kill them bare handed and I must concur that yes I do have that potential. THis is the sole reason I have been banned from ever stepping back in the ring. My now psychiatrist refuses to permit me back in the ring for fear I would actually kill an opponent. So my sensei has revoked my licence and will not allow me to fight ever again..

Here is to a trauma filled day in my life today and the hope and prayer that I can actually get through today without a relapse of my symptoms.

All I want to do it run away and hide under a rock.

 

[Sighs]

:hug: if you accept them Laurie.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Of course I accept :hug:s @Sighs. after all a :hug a day keeps PTSD at bay.

 

[Glenn R.]

I understand; this whole disorder really sucks. I hate it and it has destroyed my life over and over again. Sometimes I sit in disbelief that this has been really happening. It's just so hard to believe one could suffer this much agony so much for so long with no relief in sight.

 

[Sandstone]

My score marker came back at 79%. Placing me in the top 1 % of the UK sufferer population. So I was f*cked for good then ?

I'll say to you what I have been saying to myself since I got a diagnosis that disturbed me. You are EXACTLY the same person as you were before this diagnosis, experiencing EXACTLY the same symptoms as you were, and managing them in EXACTLY the same way. Nothing that is real has changed.

 

[MT Johnny]

I know, everyone always says that ... A mental illness diagnosis, a label, changes nothing about who you are. It doesn't feel that way though.

In real world terms I agree it doesn't change a lot on a day to day basis. But there are some things. It may affect the ability to hold certain jobs for example - an official diagnosis of some mental illnesses has caused people to lose careers.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Yep it certainly did for me, I had a very lucrative career in Police despatch. Until that fateful day. Now I enjoy coloring and playing with dinosaurs all night in my bedroom. Mummy says I can stay up all night so long as I am quiet and don't eat red crayons anymore.

 

[MT Johnny]

Hey, if you can't eat red, eat the white ones - won't show on your teeth.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Well yesterday happened, I locked myself away from the world and coped, spent a long time crying alone in my rooms, got drunk then slept for the best part of nine hours, probably the longest uninterupted sleep I have had in many a year. No dreams or nightmares that I recall. It was a painfully horrible day emotionally but I survived it the same as I survived my abusive upbringing. Here is looking forward to the future, one I am in control of.

:)

 

[Paula2]

Hi, I am sorry to hear you have had a panic attack today... And I empathise, they are truly awful things... I find hiding doesn't help, just breeds opportunity for negative thoughts! You say that you have had ptsd for 2 yrs? Does anyone know how long it lasts for? Or does it never go away?

Keep strong! X

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thankyou @Paula2 I am relaxing for the rest of today and doing very little, I was only diagnosed 2 years ago but have in fact been suffering the effects of a traumatic upbringing nearly all my life. PTSD is something that we will always have unfortunatelly, we simply have to learn the skills to best cope with it as part of our lives. This is achievable and we can live productive and happy lives with it, just like any afflictiction in life. I welcome you to the forum and send you a :hug: from sunny Devon if you accept it.

 

[MT Johnny]

I'm glad you can keep a positive outlook - and jealous of sunny Devon. I'm looking at cool windy cloudy drizzly Midwestern US skies