Relationship Pollyanna

[Sighs]

It seems that the baseline for my vet is distant with regular anger outbursts.

I finally got him to talk to his psychiatrist about the outbursts and my vet told me that his psych's response was "Tell her if she doesn't want to be with you to leave. You're not going to change." He then admitted that his psych hadn't said that at all. Apparently his advice was to go for a walk to cool down.

I got the courage to tell my vet how lost and alone I felt. At first his response was to reassure me that he loves me, but that evening when I got home from work he was hostile and told me if I was unhappy to leave because he wasn't going to crawl on his knees to "the likes of you" said with such contempt. Then he said he wasn't going to "put up with" my "ebb and flow" and that I might feel better but I just suck the life out of the people around me.

By that stage I said fine. I would look for a job back in my home state and leave. Then he started carrying on about how I was vindictive and would try to make his life a misery after I left. I got angry and started throwing clothes in a bag and said I wasn't going to stay to be spoken to like that. All the anger went out of him and he asked me to stay and that we'd both "said our piece" and that everything was fine.

It was late at night and I had nowhere to go so I stayed. But I feel more disconnected than ever. So much for being best friends if I can't ever talk to him about my feelings. Can't help thinking I'd be better off single.

 

[Mallaky]

All the anger went out of him and he asked me to stay and that we'd both "said our piece" and that everything was fine.

What the everloving f*ck is that supposed to mean? I mean ... seriously? He did not even apologize?

 

[Sweetpea76]

(((Hugs))) @Sighs

I'm so sorry you are going though this. How is he today? Is he still being an ass?

It seems to me that my Vet will do some of the same things to me when he is heated... try to say I am the crazy one, or the one that has a temper or has issues. It is almost comical sometimes when he lists off the things that he thinks I do wrong, and I'm just thinking to myself "buddy, you should try looking at yourself sometime." I think it is like some of the sufferers said before, a way to normalize. It's not just them, everybody has problems...

 

[anthony]

I can't ever talk to him about my feelings. Can't help thinking I'd be better off single.

A little contradiction there. If you're single, who are you going to talk with about your feelings?

Relationships have lots of facets to them, some are important, some not so, in the scheme of the relationship overall. Communication is important, though that category can be broken down into lots of categories.

Do you communicate? Talk? Talk about related interests, issues and such? If so... then that is still communicating. The problem, from my experience, is we veterans don't have the same level of emotional capacity any longer. The military and war removed it from us in order to do the job and survive. You then have male genetics at play in that mix, being the lesser emotional creatures majority as is.

Nicolette and I talk about lots of things, but she knows I am not the best person for her to get all emotional with, as my response is unlikely to be what she wants. Sometimes she can, sometimes she cannot. But that goes around too, in that she can't handle additional issues of mine. He son does this to her and it makes her quite ill from the additional stress she already has with life and running her own company. These are aspects we both accept the other cannot really support, but we communicate about lots of things overall.

I guess my point is... compromise is the name of the game. Not give, give, give, or take, take, take, but compromise. I have my outlet where I talk guy stuff with other guys, and women need the same with other women.

My biggest question would be... do you find yourselves solely dependent upon one another? As in there is nobody else either of you really communicate with? If so... then that is something you both need to change, or one of you need change, by getting someone you can talk with locally, phone, Skype, so forth.

 

[Sighs]

@Mallaky - yeah - no idea what it means.

@Sweetpea76 - thanks for the hugs. Today he is acting like nothing happened. And so am I, but feeling like its all bullshit from both sides.

@anthony - No contradiction. Whether single or in this relationship makes no difference - still have no-one to talk to about anything. Yes I can get emotional but I have been told that if I talk about the usual day in day out stuff those are "wasted transmissions". So if all communication is limited to necessary exchange of information then where is the human connection? I can ask a total stranger to pass the milk. We are very isolated as we moved to a rural area 12 months ago. I have recently started therapy with a VVCS therapist so I am planning to try to work through some of my issues and figure out what I want in my life. Then I'll try to figure out whether that includes him.

 

[Mallaky]

Just wanted to say that

You then have male genetics at play in that mix, being the lesser emotional creatures majority as is.

rubs me the wrong way and hard. Maybe I misunderstand you, but that line of thinking I believe to be very damaging and it caused major pain in my life. From men who used it as an excuse to abandon, and women who used it as an excuse to abuse. Also .... its just not true.

 

[Sighs]

He has told me on two occasions "Life's not a fairytale." Am planning to get it tattooed on my inner forearm. Would have had it done today but no tattooists in our rural area. Will get it done on trip to my homestate next month. Really looking forward to it. :)

 

[anthony]

rubs me the wrong way and hard.

You should not confuse your personal opinion with science, they're not the same. You're talking personal experience, I'm talking genetics.

As a majority, the male brain is quite as adept as the female in emotional expression, however, when the males emotions hit the surface, the poker face typically takes over as a majority, unable to express the emotion at the conscious level. There are many factors for this, testosterone is the simplest way to state the main one, behavioural another, environmental another.

It isn't an excuse, and it should not be viewed as one. Not recognising emotions meaning is not an excuse, it is a reality. Females are far from perfect with emotions, though genetically they're able to more readily identify what they feel and express that in words. Men are genetically not as able to do this.

There is a lot of science skewed in relation to males, typically because you have tertiary males 18 - 22 as the majority study participants, looking for beer money. This skews the results significantly, though in and of itself, is an exact expression of the male immaturity to express emotion correctly. It is majority for males to express emotion though behaviour instead of verbal cues.

Opinion and experience is valid, but they are personal, not scientific. Look at the research, all sides and facets, and you can discern patterns through all studies, whether they evaluated positively or negatively for genetics, you will see patterns in male expression versus female. We're different.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

((hugs)) I just wanted to let you know that I do care. I don't know what to advice to give.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Have you thought about becoming a tightrope walker? I think being a supporter in a PTSD relationship is all about finding and keeping your balance, and it's bl**dy difficult!

I hate it when hubby asks me about my feelings. I do want to express them, and I do think he should try to accept that I have these feelings, but I know he will most probably lose the plot and twist whatever I say into something completely different.

Whenever he threatens to leave/suggests that I should leave he usually ends with the question "Is that what you want?". I always reply calmly with something like "No, I love you and it's not what I want. But is it what you want?". He often talks in circles for a minute or so as he calms down, like a clockwork toy running down, but sometimes will spiral higher and higher until I leave the room and refuse to engage with him until he can speak with me in a civilised way.

If you get that tattoo we want to see a pic!

Good luck x

 

[Deleted member 28812]

It is majority for males to express emotion though behaviour instead of verbal cues.

In my experience this is very true. It's often overlooked by the female because she is looking for him to tell her "I love you" with words.

Do you know the "five love languages"?

Still I do think it is wrong that he lied about what his therapist said and also that he treats her hostile so often.... but then... well... everybody is far from perfect at times...

I have no advice *lol* Why do I even answer this thread then *lol* maybe because I am a woman and they cannot keep their mouth shut.

 

[Mallaky]

I have been writing this post for 15 minutes now, writing-deleting-rewriting, because I do not want to be a troublemaker. :) Difficult stuff. Ive gotta bow out of this thread, as this discussion puts me in a very bad place. Brings up awfull memories. So, I am sorry if I am a bad sport in that regard, but I cant respond anymore to the discussion. My last words on the "male emotion" topic is, that I in fact looked at the research, and extensively so, and I am bewildered how someone who is into science can read the scientific results and studies as "males are less emotional." That is simply not the scientific consesus, at all, from what I learned. Did I get that so wrong? In the future, I will have to look again. Them doubts...
But, as I said, this is not a discussion I can take part in, without negative repeurcussions for me, so I am out. Sorry for derailing the thread and "running away". :hug: :)