Childhood A Letter To My Inner Kid From My Adult Self

[Justmehere]

I feel like this is cheesy, stupid, and really weird, but at this point, I'll take what safe and non-harmful forms of healthy comfort that I can get, even if it means being cheesy and weird.

I’m not DID but I do have parts. Ego states. All mixed up inside. Trauma therapists have told me everyone has ego states, and when trauma happens, the ego states are not as integrated. Recovery involves re-integrating those states. One way to do that is to have one part of myself communicate with another part. This was a hard idea to get my head around since I’m not DID, but once I got it, it worked. I can’t explain it very well right now.

Some people do versions of this exercise by writing what their adult self would say with one hand, and then other parts of self would write with the other hand. Or they do it in different Colorado. I can’t really bring myself to write anything that my inner kid or teenage would say. I know what those parts of me would say, but I can’t write it. I just write out how I would want an adult to respond. So I write this as a letter to those parts of me.

I’m really triggered today. After a long day of work, I went for a walk, and I felt some of the really intense feelings about childhood neglect that are stirred up by not being heard by some critical people in my life now.

I’m trying to do this therapeutic exercise I did before that really helped. It’s is the weirdest / cheesiest thing. It’s basically where I write a letter to myself as if I were writing it to the actual me when I was a kid or a teenager. I just figured out how to do this about 2 weeks ago in an intensive treatment program. I haven’t been able to do it since I left. The past 6 weeks have been some of the worst of my life.

I have been scared to do this exercise, terrified really. Somehow my head associated doing this exercise, writing a letter to my wounded parts of self, with really confusing sense of loss.

All the same, I still think doing this would help, once I get past the initial start of it. I’m confusingly scared to do this without sharing it with anyone. I usually feel so scared to share stuff with anyone, so this is REALLY confusing. Maybe it makes me really screwed up. Maybe I just need to be heard somewhere. Maybe it’s both things. ’m posting it here because it feels just enough connected to others without taking the risk to share it with anyone in my life offline.

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Dear inner kid jmh,

I hear you, I see you. Your mom and dad didn’t. You cried and cried for help. Your heart cried out so much. You cried with all you had. Every fiber of your being. There was no one that came. No one that protected you, held you close, made you feel better. You felt so much fear. Terror. It felt like your being existence was in danger of ceasing to be. No one heard you then. You were a little kid and you were so scared. I remember all that fear, I feel it now. You are still with me now. You, that cried so hard, and then went so numb. I remember how you questioned if you were real at all when you were a kindergartener. I remember you screaming for mom to come rescue you when you were hurt. And she didn’t come.

You are here, you are a part of me, and it’s ok. I know there has been some big loses recently, and all this same old fear and anger is stirred up now. It’s really confusing.

I’m all grown up now. I can’t change what has happened. I wish so much I could change it all. I can’t. But I can help you. I can protect you. I remember so many times all that fear, when it was so scary to even exist. So much pain. If anyone responded at all, it was to hurt you. I know it was confusing. I know you had that sense that if they were hurting you, even if that is all you could get, at least they were responding. It was still so awful and so scary.

You are not broken. You are here and you are hurting and it’s ok to hurt. There is a lot of reasons why you are hurting. I can’t make all the hurt go away. I wish so much that I could. I can be with you in it. That’s all I have really got. Me, here with you. I’m listening to you. I have been trying to shove all this pain away, but I will listen to you. I will help you get through.

I don’t really know if it will get better or not. I hope it does. But it’s worth it to keep staying in life. It is worth it. This time, I’m not going to go anywhere. I can’t promise that anyone else will stay, but I can promise that I will work so hard to stay with you, with myself, and be really fully present with you, with all of me. As much as possible.

Another part of me has been looking for a way to meet your pain in all the wrong ways lately. I have been doing almost anything to feel a little better, and somehow, shutting you out. That part of me is like the abused woman who keeps going back to her abuser because she is too scared to be alone and doesn’t think she deserves any better. I know, I see how that part of me has been in charge lately. I am going to work with what that part of me needs and wants, and handle those desires in a way that doesn’t drive all of me back to the abuser. Because you, this part of me that was so hurt as a kid – you need me. You need to be kept safe. You need to be kept far away from all the bad guys. You need some space and time to heal. You need to be heard.

I’m here.

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I feel better. Not happier, but more settled and ok. Weirdest thing ever. All I did was write a letter to myself.

It’s hard to think of what to say. I can’t bs myself very well, so I write only what would be real for myself. I don’t know. What would you say to yourself as a kid or teenager getting through childhood trauma?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

:hug: You did great! :hug:

As you practice this, more of your ego states will re-integrate. This won't feel so weird and strange, as you're already beginning to notice.

My own trauma T was helping me utilize this, today, to correct some horrible childhood conditioning that is holding me back. Connecting with different aspects brings insights to you, and your T, about your personal trauma(s), and can bring powerful healing.

Congratulations, JMH! Nice work! :hug::tup:

 

[jaccat]

Weirdly I did exactly the same thing earlier this week. My letter is long though, which is typical for me. I was writing to my six year old self, telling her how much I loved her and was there for her. It really upset me. I also wrote as if I was that six-year old, which turned out to be even more upsetting, in a good way.

There's actually been books published where famous and successful people have written letters to their sixteen year old selves (they're called Dear Me). All sorts of letters- funny ones, poignant ones, long ones, one liners. You really get the feel of the person behind them. The editor also suggested writing one to yourself. I did that too, and it was strange because it was like I was writing to a totally different person to the one in the first letter- the person child me had become.

Well done on writing it. It took me a while to get up the courage too.

 

[Fadeaway]

Excellent job. Much of what you wrote really resonates with me. I spent a lot of time contemplating on whether I was real or not around the age of 7. My husband just told recently that most kids don't do that. I found it odd because I thought it was a stage all kids went through.

I have dabbled in imagining myself speaking to my younger self , but haven't gotten past some of the things that you detailed above, that I would need to get over to write a letter. Much respect for having the ability to write that. I see it as an inspiration to try myself.

 

[Rumors]

Wow... Not weird or cheesy at all. Very powerful. What a great tool. I hope you are able to implement those promises to yourself. You deserve all good things!

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and support!

I wrote this and felt better, and then felt like I wanted to show it to the new therapist I have seen it a few times.... and then I realized I wanted to show it to her and I went into a severe panic. Apparently, I'm scared, terrified, to want to show this to the therapist. I'm still getting over very abrupt patient abandonment by a very good but very hurt trauma therapist... and it felt good to share here, but absolutely terrifying to feel any desire to want to show it to a therapist. Geez. I'm pretty screwed up. It's been a really tough and long night - but it has really helped to read all your responses. I got to be with and help that part of me that is so hurt over being abandoned again and again and again....

 

[watundah]

Thanks for sharing. I've been skirting around the edges of doing inner child work and can see how such an exercise could be quite opening and revealing.

I understand your fear of sharing your letter with your therapist, believe me, I do. It's letting someone into the heavily protected core. But I also know that if you do, when you leave your session, you'll feel relieved and a little bit proud. A tiny push.

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you @watundah for the support and the gentle push. I think I probably would feel some increased confidence just knowing I could take the wall down and share this kind of stuff with a therapist again.

Hmm... Maybe I should write another letter about that fear.

It does make me smile to know I can use this tool again. :)

 

[shell]

@Justmehere try not to control what your non dominate hand says, the child will say whatever, there is no wrong answers and at times when I would stop trying to control the non dominant side, the truth would come out, the anger, the emotions. I would write crap at first, but then when I kept writing the crap that made no sense something shifted, and over time all this stuff kept coming up. It reactivated the emotional side of the brain for me, which was so shut down I couldn't process my trauma, as I would talk about it like it happened to someone else. It really shifted something for me, but it took months of perservance for me to start feeling for the first time in years.

Just write, when you stop trying to control, then very interesting things come up. I have been journalling this way for about three years, although I did ease off for a while, but I find it really helpful for getting my emotions back when I start numbing and I am having trouble facing emotions.

Learning to be self compassionate to the child parts can really improve the way you support yourself and manage emotions.

I can now write fluently with both hands although I really struggle to draw with my left hand still. My handwriting was such an effort to start with but as the months passed I found the whole process to very helpful.

It was a lovely letter to the child you were, I wouldn't worry about right or wrong, and don't be surprised if the child part writes back. At times mine would write back that I lied, that I hated her, and that everyone hated her. I learnt a lot about how I really felt about myself from this process, the child me had so much anger. It helped me to see how I really felt about myself, and how disconnected I was.

 

[Lucycat]

Dear inner kid jmh,

I am not sure if this is simply a cultural difference that I am picking up on here, but I note your use of the word 'kid' whereas others use the world child . Personally kid sounds disrespectful to me. I want to treat that hurt child with great respect so would either call her child or by her first name. That in itself opens other difficulties as the first name I was known by as a child is not the name I use now and it immediately puts me at a disadvantage - but then perhaps that is the point.

The letter you have written is not cheesy at all. It is not something I have done, or been asked to do, but in therapy I have certainly been asked what my inner child wants or needs at any specific moment. Well done for doing this and for sharing it too.

 

[Biz]

@Justmehere, I really liked your letter. I've been doing inner child work for a while and it inspired me to write one of my own. And I think one could write these with their dominant or non-dominant hand. The dominant hand would probably be speaking more from your rational/adult brain to the child and the non-dominant would be from the emotional brain. I feel like either would work. Thanks for the inspiration.

 

[Justmehere]

@shell - that's really helpful advice! I hope that someday soon I can give voice and be able to write that part. I'm glad that writing to parts of you has been so helpful for you as well.

I am not sure if this is simply a cultural difference that I am picking up on here, but I note your use of the word 'kid' whereas others use the world child . Personally kid sounds disrespectful to me. I want to treat that hurt child with great respect so would either call her child or by her first name.

@Lucycat - For me, kid is actually a term of endearment. It's close to kiddo, and other ways of referring to kids in a positive and endearing way.

For me, child makes me think of "childish" and feels empty to me. I don't think that is a culture-wide but personal.

I can't actually yet take it so far as to call me by my name. That makes me cringe - which is probably why it would eventually help to use that and reclaim my name as something that is positive.

It was a lovely letter to the child you were, I wouldn't worry about right or wrong, and don't be surprised if the child part writes back. At times mine would write back that I lied, that I hated her, and that everyone hated her.

Thanks fr the encouragement. My inner kid (child :)) does tell me back the same kinds of things. Too scared to face them enough to write them. Maybe eventually... I am inspired by your courage ad work with this.

The dominant hand would probably be speaking more from your rational/adult brain to the child and the non-dominant would be from the emotional brain. I feel like either would work.

@Biz - The trauma therapist that I worked with said that this was exactly the case, or at least the goal of writing with different hands and is something they suggest people try. I'm glad you were able to write your own letter too! That's awesome!