Has Ptsd Every Made You Really Question Who You Are? Feeling Very Confused...

[barefoot]

I'm struggling a bit at the moment. With a few things actually but mainly, I think, with the idea that I feel like my sense of self has taken a bit of a hit and I feel a bit wobbly around the whole concept of who I am. And I think that might make me sound like a real drama queen, which I've never thought I am...but now I'm not so sure because I don't feel so sure about anything that's to do with me at the moment...

So... I've had periods of moderate-severe depression and moderate anxiety for years and had kind of reached a point of being able to accept that and even to embrace and laugh about some of my 'quirks'. And things had really settled down - no real symptoms of depression/full on anxiety for the best part of 10 years. And then a couple of years ago, things started going off track a bit and then got progressively worse.

I've been seeing a therapist for a year - my first time in therapy. I started seeing her as I was feeling depressed and anxious but didn't want to get medication from my gp. So I thought I'd give 'talking' a go <shudder> I was diagnosed with PTSD several months ago and since then I've just felt really shaky - as though lots of things I really knew about myself were suddenly not true.


Things like:

• I've always thought I was a really self-aware person who could be really honest with myself - and yet I'd actually completely cut out the trauma which suddenly seems to be a big deal with.a big impact. But how can it have been if I wasn't bothered about it and rarely thought about it for over twenty years? And if most of the time now, it still feels unreal and like I'm making it up?

• I've always enjoyed day dreaming but it's only since I've started therapy that I've learnt that I dissociate. A lot. This feels like quite a big thing not to know.

• I used to be good at getting things into perspective. Now, my judgement just seems so off. My anxiety just shoots from 0 to completely off the scale over small things like where I'm going to sit in a cafe. I know this isn't' a bit deal. But it feels like it is and I can't control the panic when the anxiety kicks in.
• I always thought I was an articulate person. Now I sit in therapy and can't speak. Can't find any words to express anything. It's like my brain freezes and my voice gets hijacked. And it makes me feel really ashamed.

• I used to think I managed my emotions well. I think I thought that because I didn't lose my temper a lot and was generally pretty laid back and was able to easily build good relationships with people. I now understand that not losing my rag all the time isn't really what managing emotions means! But I now seem to be struggling with regulating my emotions..I go from feeling mildly emotional to then suddenly leaping over an invisible tipping point and feeling really flooded and overwhelmed. And then I sometimes dissociate at that point. And I don't see that tipping point coming at all. It feels like I'm so out of control of myself.

• I've recently realised that a lot of my focus in the past was on looking ok. No matter what I was feeling, my priority was that to other people I looked fine. I think this was an unconscious thing but it's a conscious realisation now that that's what I did. And I know sometimes I still do it. So it feels like that's a character, not really me...which makes me feel like a manipulative fraud. And makes me wonder who's the person who's left if it's not the breezy person jazz handing her way through things looking very ok and in control...

• I never generally thought of myself as a stupid person. But all the above points make me feel really, really stupid.

Sorry this is so long. I don't even know why I'm posting - it's not like I have a question. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I'm just feeling really confused and fragile and out of control of myself.

I suppose just needed to share. So any wise words, similar experiences or any other kind of support would be appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was a total fake before therapy and never knew it I did not know that I was a victim of childhood abuse by both of my parents. I did not kinow that I had been molested by my dad and I felt emptied out and there was nothing left of the old me. I was so lost for years.

I think you are where you are at right now because this is normal for what you have been put through all of your life.

I was really messed up, very extremely naive and gullible , no boundries at all. I knew that I was exploding in anger and rages and I needed help for that. But I found myself in quicksand from the first therapy appointment.

That was in 1985 so I have been dealing with this for many, many years. All I wanted was to be healed as if by magic and I have had the most painful and costly learning experiences since I first started therapy. Nine years of therapy and many different kinds of support groups. My emotions were all over the place and I was so ignorant and had so much to learn. I will always have my PTSD but for now I am ok and life is good. No telling what will trigger me into a seeming relapse. Yet I do not worry about this except for my very bad days which are not what they once werI think that you are normal for what you are experiencing and more mature than me when I first started therapy.

I took an ange management course that really gave me some useful coping skills. I have more and more good days now. Good things are beginning to happen in my life and I want you to know that with time and effort, working on yourself in therapy with a good therapist that actally is there for you and helps you there is hope for a better life ahead for you.

You are normal for where you are at and what you are going through and you are not alone at all. Life has become so rich and full for me now. It will get better for you after you go on the path of healing and recovey. this is a great site and great and wonderful wounded healers here. These wonderful people got me through some very bad sposts in my life. I hope I said at least one thing that will help you and if not I hope you will toss what what I said and disregared. Wishing you healing and recovery. It takes time and a real effort and desire to get better. Good luck.

 

[Changing4Best]

Being in my 60s, I can look back on places in each decade where I seemed like a different person than I am now. I don't like what I'm going through these days as much as I liked my life ten or twenty years ago. In a way I feel like a different person. In other ways I don't.

I too did buried my traumas and did not remember them until they were uncovered in therapy when I was in my mid 30s. I pondered them a long time, looking at them on my own when therapy was out of reach for me. When I joined this site, I was able to write them all down into my trauma diary here. I have not written in it in over 2 years now, and I would not want to read it either. I put it there so I could get it out of my mind.

Therapy for me has been about recent problems and life situations now. We don't do trauma therapy. I probably would not be able to stomach it now.

I know also that I do sometimes disbelieve it ever happened to me. I did have a major realization this morning that floored me. I probably should write it to my therapist in an email, come to think about it. Thanks for helping me here to realize that I should write it to her. Something in your post here guided me to write this major realization to her now, so thanks.

 

[Anna Roberts]

I'm struggling a bit at the moment. With a few things actually but mainly, I think, with the idea that...

You're not alone in what you're feeling. I suffer from PTSD as well and I have begun to question my sense of self as well. Before my trauma, I knew exactly what I wanted from life. I had A Plan, with a capital P. I knew exactly who I was and what I stood for. Now I'm not so sure, and I'm not sure whether or not I'm just changing and growing or because my sense of self was so completely destroyed that I needed to start over from scratch.

I hope you don't mind if I address some of the individual points you made.

"I used to be good at getting things into perspective." I used to be the same way, but my PTSD and anxiety often blows things way out of proportion. I once had a meltdown over a very, very minor garbage day incident, and I often have panic attacks over things that seem relatively insignificant in hindsight. Your lack of perspective is probably related to anxiety, and I'd recommend talking to your doctor so he can put you on something to manage that. It's easily controlled with the right dosage of clonopin or a similar medication.

"I always thought I was an articulate person." Again, I was the same way. I also enjoyed writing as a hobby, and was particularly skilled in it, but my ability to put my ideas into either verbal or written words has suffered immensely. I'd suggest starting a journal and bringing it to therapy. Perhaps even bring the concerns you addressed here to your therapist.

PTSD can also strip you of a lot of control over your emotions. I don't know if it's happened to all of us, but it's certainly happened to me. You shouldn't feel stupid over any of this. It's a bit hypocritical of me to say that, because I feel the same way, but it's not good to feel stupid over something you have no control over due to no fault of your own.

Dealing with PTSD can be tough, but that's what therapy and support groups and your family (if you have any) are for. That's what this forum is for. And just know that no matter what you're feeling, you're not alone in that feeling. Others like myself are struggling with the exact same thing, and while that doesn't take away from what you're going through, hopefully it makes you feel a little less isolated and a little better.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for your replies and support - it means a lot. Although I'm sorry that you're going through/have gone through the same challenges, it is reassuring to hear that I'm not just being a random, odd weirdo but that this seems to be a 'normal' part of PTSD/therapy. Knowing others share this experience and hearing your thoughts is comforting, so thanks for taking the time to share with me.

 

[Leah Morgan]

Hey lovely, I understand what you mean, it's very confusing thinking you know yourself to suddenly not. Hang in there.

 

[Mallaky]

I feel you.
I too struggle with feeling confused and having identity issues. My whole life people thought I was just an inattentive daydreamer, turns out I have a big big problem with dissociation.

I never had a chance to process anything in my life. It was only when I recently learned that I totaly forgot I ever had a sibling that the magnitude of my issues came clear to me. I read a letter I had written 2 weeks earlier, and could not remember anything in there. Neither that I wrote it or that it was my life. Was akin to rereading a book one hasnt touched for 15 years.

My anxiety can become unbearable sometimes. I dont even like calling it anxiety, terror is more apt. That may be because in german we dont have a good word for anxiety.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh this.. So much this. Since I found out that I have PTSD (and earlier when I learned that I was bipolar) I suffered a major shock to my identity. I found out that many of the things that I thought made up the essential 'me' were in fact just symptoms, very common symptoms, of my illnesses. Everything from my spiritual experiences (hallucinations, mania, panic attacks) to my role in my family as a child. A few weeks ago I even posted that I wasn't sure if I was 'real' or not. I felt very similar to how I'm reading this post now.

It just seems like I'm a collection of symptoms and stereotypes, like there isn't much about me that is atypical in the slightest. Perhaps some things. But mostly I'm just kinda... there. It feels like those symptoms are even more real than I am, as they dominate me so much. I'm right there with you. :hug:

 

[Chava]

I doubt it's that all those things you thought you were aren't true, but maybe more like a layer is being peeled off and you don't understand the deeper layers?? (if that concept doesn't help, nevermind, but that's sort of how it feels for me). I spent many many years over-working and distracting myself...what probably looked like ADHD or mania at times. My body crashed, I went into therapy, and now I'm feeling really lost at times. All the busy-work wasn't horrible. I did some good things and learned some good things. But I take off that layer and I feel very empty sometimes so am trying to figure out who I am beneath that. I didn't have a strong sense of self ever...and somehow developed shreds of self in tiny spheres, but not really an internalized self. Not sure if any of this makes sense.

Trauma does mess with our sense of self. Also, you're working on deeper layers of your stuff. I can't talk in therapy sometimes either, but in other places can sort of ramble on...(I can do this in writing pretty easily!). For one, accessing trauma and talking is a tricky balance because of dissociation and the fact that trauma shuts down our language centers in the brain. It's not that you aren't "you"...you're addressing trauma. But, I relate to feeling very confused and lost. Some of it is getting better and I feel a little less hopelessly lost. Sometimes it simply involves finding new ways to wade out sadness or emptiness without losing my shit.

It should get better for you as you stick with therapy and working through this stuff...takes time. You'll find "you". Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you realize that you're using trauma symptoms as a reason to point to your own stupidity? What I'm trying to say is that all that you list......are effects of trauma.

You are NOT PTSD and PTSD is NOT you!

I experience times when I can't speak, either. I've always been a very verbose, articulate person (from a very young age). But, when my mind gets hijacked, there is nothing I can do about it except work on self care and wait for my mind to release itself. Trauma therapists know that this is an effect of trauma. And no, it doesn't make you stupid, not in the least.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Chava - you are indeed making sense :-)
I get what you're saying about levels. I think I was playing avoidance/distraction games for a long time because I didn't want to look under the layers too. I mean, I did look under layers....I thought I was looking a lot...I just think now that I maybe didn't realise how many layers there were, so I never actually looked deep enough.

That's interesting about trauma shutting down the language centres in the brain. That makes me feel a bit better! My therapist is very patient and never tries to push too hard - I used to find that a bit frustrating because I just wanted to get on with it and thought she was holding us back but, now I've experienced what doing some of the deeper work is like, I understand that she was just trying to ensure that it was manageable for me. I saw her yesterday having not seen her for a couple of weeks as she's been on holiday. We had a bit of chit chat at the start. Then we did some deeper work and I found it hard to focus, speak or keep her questions in my head. And I find her compassion unbearable then and can't bring myself to look at her and just want to crawl out the window or something. Then we chit-chatted again for about the last half hour (it's a 2 hour session) and that was fine and fun and we both laughed a lot... It just feels like being two completely different people. And I'm finding that hard to get my head around.

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @itsKismet. I like the way you spell it out :-) I think I needed that.
My therapist keeps telling me that I'm very self-critical and I need to practise more self-compassion. And every time she says it, I think I just tut and roll my eyes! Or argue... Towards the end of last year, when I was much more anxious and panicky all the time, she had got me into a daily routine of walks, diaphragmatic breathing, meditation, soothing baths...and I haven't done any of that for a few months, even though I think it helped and I keep telling myself I really ought to start again... I don't know why I'm not doing the self-care things I know I should be doing... So thanks for making me ponder that.