Your 'mental Issues' And Scapegoating

[shimmerz]

It has been quite a ride over the past month or so. I have moved across the country and am very happy to be here. Living with someone else who has PTSD is actually a relief. There are just things that we can 'check on' each other with. We just have a knowing when things are affecting each other. There is also an outside perspective that can be drawn upon from someone who 'knows how it feels'. I am safe and the two of us are working together to help shore the other up.

And then the 'family' calls. I get screwed up immediately. But I have a contrasting situation now. I can see how it feels to be understood. Here nobody dismisses me because of my 'Mental Issues'. I swear to god if I hear this phrase one.more.time..... And now I get it. I couldn't get away from it before. There was no relief. If anything was wrong with anyone in the family it was caused by 'Mom and her Mental Issues'. Seriously.fed.up.

I feel like the fact that I have actually had the guts to address my 'Mental Issues' while everyone else in the family races around blaming others (um, no....me) for all of their problems that perhaps one person couldn't be quite so bad as me. 'Mental Issues' or not. Is it actually true that one person in a family can be the cause of everything bad that happens?

Heading to the Shimmerzville post. Where my peeps are......

 

[Ronin]

I gathered your children are adult, right?

I don't think you have the same responsibility to care for them / be in contact as you had when they were younger.

All I'm saying, they're not entitled to the calls, to hearing from you, anything like that. They owe you peace.

Happy for new housing & a sense of stability & healing coming to your life. All the kind spells for it to remain, and crossed fingers. :)

 

[sun seeker]

There is also an outside perspective that can be drawn upon from someone who 'knows how it feels'. I am safe and the two of us are working together to help shore the other up.

And then the 'family' calls. I get screwed up immediately. But I have a contrasting situation now. I can see how it feels to be understood.

I have a similar experience so can relate to what you are saying. The dysfunction in my family has never stood out in such stark relief as it does now that I have some sanity to compare it to. Makes all the difference, doesn't it? It sounds like you are progressing by leaps and bounds in terms of being able to set the conditions for communication - or not - with your family. Good for you!

 

[Eleanor]

Is it actually true that one person in a family can be the cause of everything bad that happens?

In a word: No.

I told a friend on here some years ago that while she was the "Identified Crazy Person" (ICP) in her family, she did not get that way by herself and (unlike them) SHE WAS GETTING BETTER. How crazy is that? Not. Right. So.

Also, conversations with my SIL this week have made it clear to me (AGAIN) that it is well night impossible to see abuse when you are familiar with it. She has her aunt and cousin living with her. I'm pretty sure her cousin has c-ptsd from childhood stuff, and .... her mother who is living with my SIL (the aunt) verbally berates the (60 year old) cousin whenever she tries to be helpful around the house, even if my SIL asked her to do something. :wideeyed::confused: Did my brother and SIL tell the aunt "You may not treat anyone in our house like that."? No, they did not. Did they say "OF COURSE, that is what we must do!" When I mentioned it? No, they did not. They are very nice and compassionate people. My SIL runs a pre-school and is VERY positive etc. She would NEVER speak to ANYONE like her aunt speaks to her cousin. My brother the same. And yet. They allow the aunt to verbally abuse the clearly CLEARLY damaged and suffering cousin. :depressed: I pushed it, and they "got" it and I think they will take action when they get home...

So, no. This AM, it doesn't surprise me at all that you couldn't see it when you were there. And it doesn't surprise me that you get conceptual vertigo when you have to "touch" that context now. :yuck:

 

[shimmerz]

Thanks so much all of you. I so appreciate the support. What I am really noticing is the triangulation that is happening. I think it was @Muse that mentioned it in another thread (I wasn't aware of the terminology). Thanks so much Muse! I have been on the lookout for it ever since. It helped me tons!

So this morning one of my sons called. We spoke about our talk yesterday, which was quite involved. Today I said it.
"Remember how you were picked on in the family when you were younger?"

Shit yes, he remembered and was very explicit about what his father did to him. His daughter, (my granddaughter) btw is being babysat by my son's father and her wife (both abusers). I shudder to think. Talk about dissonance.

"Well, that is what I feel is happening to me."

Resistance from son. Defensiveness from son.

"So son, given that my grandson is now 1.5 years old and I haven't seen him since he was 3 days old - that is F'd UP!"

Son stops. "Yes." He says.

"So son, given that I hadn't seen my oldest son for 18 years. I am going to say that is F'd UP! This is a f*d up family and I am not taking it anymore. So if anyone asks how I am - you say fine. No details. They can call and ask themselves. You told me to focus on me and getting healthy and that is what I am doing. I will not get healthy with f"d up dynamics being slung at me constantly. I am not allowing this anymore. Play nicely or get out of the sandbox. Got it?

Son says "I agree"

I.said.it. I.am.free. Finally I spoke my truth. And this son can do with that what he wishes. A metaphorical and physical climbing of the mountain today. Both missions accomplished.

 

[Justmehere]

Way to go!!!

 

[Deleted member 29961]

Is it actually true that one person in a family can be the cause of everything bad that happens?

In my family it is, and I'm living proof:D

 

[shimmerz]

In my family it is, and I'm living proof:D

LOL. It's a crazy world out there.

 

[Eleanor]

GO SHIMMERZ, OH YEAH! GO SHIMMERZ!!

 

[shimmerz]

You guys are so nice to me.... :hug:'s

 

[scout86]

Is it actually true that one person in a family can be the cause of everything bad that happens?

When I first thought about this, I thought, "Well, maybe my mom......?) Even though she was never thought of as 'the cause' of anything bad, she was the actual source of a lot of the issues. Then I reread the question "Everything bad....?" Heck no! Much that is "bad" is simply bad luck. Some of what's "bad" is merely definition of terms.

Shim, sounds like you handled that second call beautifully and your son did pretty well too. As far as the granddaughter goes, my mom doted on my niece. I don't think she ever did anything hurtful to her and my niece really doesn't seem to have picked up on any of the narcissism that was there. There is a different dynamic, sometimes, with different people. There's a chance your granddaughter is safe. I wouldn't take that for granted, if I were her parent, but there's a chance.

Glad to hear things are going well for you! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Great thread I think. I survived the best out of my sibs and they the whole family were sources of grief to me so I had to cut off contact because they triggered me so badly and were in deep denial and triangulized as well. It took me a very long time but I had my own family to think about and I did not want them exposed to the crazymaking at all.