DontTurnOutTheLight
New Here
Hey, I'm new...
I'm Madison, 21 year old female.
Well, where to start...
My childhood wasn't great, I experienced severe sexual/physical/verbal/emotional abuse and neglect at the hands of one of my parents when I was very young. Eventually both my parents abandoned me and my brother and I were brought up by a grandparent. My brother was very cruel to me, to this day I can't stand to be in a room with him.
When I got older I was sexually assaulted by a stranger and beaten and stalked by a boyfriend (who ended up going to jail).
I lost a relative who I loved very much to suicide and I was also terrorised by a stranger who smashed my window in the middle of the night and trashed my garden.
I felt so empty that I began to drink, then I fell behind on the rent and lost my lovely home, my posessions and also my pets. I was homeless for a while until I turned to a friend for help.
There's a lot of stuff I could write, but I'll try to keep this as simple as possible. I went on to do 12 months of military service and when I came home I met a man who seemed lovely.
He turned out to be a psychopath. His abuse was awful, awful, awful. I can't bear to write down any examples...at least, not at the moment. I still can't believe that all along he had set out to hurt me in such evil, incomprehensible ways.
Out of all the things I've been through and all the violence I've seen, out of all the times I've been violated and treated like less than human, this seems to be the straw that broke the camels back.
What compounded all of this was my beloved dog dying in front of me and the death of my mentor, plus the lack of support, care, and understanding I received once the abusive relationship ended.
I was called a liar, a drama queen, a sick fantasist and a masochist. I went through months of abuse, now I feel completely empty, alone, and detached at the core.
The abuse ended 6 months ago and I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I can't trust anybody and I question everything. I have vivid nightmares, I cry every night and sleep with the light on. I feel very isolated, like I can't connect with anyone and I'm not on the same wavelength as others, because they don't understand what happened to me. They just don't GET it. It's too much for them to process.
I feel like my view of the world has changed. I can never fully relax and I feel like I live it every day, it's in my thoughts constantly. Nothing and nobody is safe and trustworthy anymore. I hate trying to explain it because I know it means nothing to other people really.
I'm very jumpy, very anxious, very irritable, I have a lot of panic attacks and I find myself going out less and less. People have remarked that my eyes have taken on a 'glazed' look, one person even called them 'dead', and comparing photos of myself to photos from before the event (that went on for months) I can see what they mean. My eyes used to sparkle, now they look very flat and empty, maybe a touch wary.
Sometimes I get so angry that I scream at people and I'm so ashamed of myself afterwards. I don't understand why I do it, it's like I've regressed into being a toddler. I do it for virtually no reason.
I also get tearful for virtually no reason. A lot of the time I feel either angry, empty, or anxious. I have heart palpitations, psychomotor agitation, sometimes I can't sit still and other times I can barely get out of bed.
I have health anxiety, I feel sick a lot, have tension headaches, muscle spasms, chest pains, a twitching eyelid, and many other complaints.
I feel directionless, unsure of everything, much older than my years, and I escape into fantasy a lot. Sometimes I tell people that the event never actually happened when they know that it did.
A lot of the abuse was psychological and very subtle, during the relationship I questioned whether it was all really happening or if it was all in my mind (as was his intention). To this day, I question my own perceptions.
I have even had very mild delusions. My self esteem has plummeted and I care about things less than I used to and I talk a lot quieter nowadays. I feel like I'm different to everyone else and that I won't live until I'm old.
I have mood swings and I feel...stuck.
I'm sorry that this is so long and there's probably a lot of stuff I've forgotten to mention...but is this PTSD?
Even so called professionals have laughed at me
I'm Madison, 21 year old female.
Well, where to start...
My childhood wasn't great, I experienced severe sexual/physical/verbal/emotional abuse and neglect at the hands of one of my parents when I was very young. Eventually both my parents abandoned me and my brother and I were brought up by a grandparent. My brother was very cruel to me, to this day I can't stand to be in a room with him.
When I got older I was sexually assaulted by a stranger and beaten and stalked by a boyfriend (who ended up going to jail).
I lost a relative who I loved very much to suicide and I was also terrorised by a stranger who smashed my window in the middle of the night and trashed my garden.
I felt so empty that I began to drink, then I fell behind on the rent and lost my lovely home, my posessions and also my pets. I was homeless for a while until I turned to a friend for help.
There's a lot of stuff I could write, but I'll try to keep this as simple as possible. I went on to do 12 months of military service and when I came home I met a man who seemed lovely.
He turned out to be a psychopath. His abuse was awful, awful, awful. I can't bear to write down any examples...at least, not at the moment. I still can't believe that all along he had set out to hurt me in such evil, incomprehensible ways.
Out of all the things I've been through and all the violence I've seen, out of all the times I've been violated and treated like less than human, this seems to be the straw that broke the camels back.
What compounded all of this was my beloved dog dying in front of me and the death of my mentor, plus the lack of support, care, and understanding I received once the abusive relationship ended.
I was called a liar, a drama queen, a sick fantasist and a masochist. I went through months of abuse, now I feel completely empty, alone, and detached at the core.
The abuse ended 6 months ago and I feel like I'm not the same person anymore. I can't trust anybody and I question everything. I have vivid nightmares, I cry every night and sleep with the light on. I feel very isolated, like I can't connect with anyone and I'm not on the same wavelength as others, because they don't understand what happened to me. They just don't GET it. It's too much for them to process.
I feel like my view of the world has changed. I can never fully relax and I feel like I live it every day, it's in my thoughts constantly. Nothing and nobody is safe and trustworthy anymore. I hate trying to explain it because I know it means nothing to other people really.
I'm very jumpy, very anxious, very irritable, I have a lot of panic attacks and I find myself going out less and less. People have remarked that my eyes have taken on a 'glazed' look, one person even called them 'dead', and comparing photos of myself to photos from before the event (that went on for months) I can see what they mean. My eyes used to sparkle, now they look very flat and empty, maybe a touch wary.
Sometimes I get so angry that I scream at people and I'm so ashamed of myself afterwards. I don't understand why I do it, it's like I've regressed into being a toddler. I do it for virtually no reason.
I also get tearful for virtually no reason. A lot of the time I feel either angry, empty, or anxious. I have heart palpitations, psychomotor agitation, sometimes I can't sit still and other times I can barely get out of bed.
I have health anxiety, I feel sick a lot, have tension headaches, muscle spasms, chest pains, a twitching eyelid, and many other complaints.
I feel directionless, unsure of everything, much older than my years, and I escape into fantasy a lot. Sometimes I tell people that the event never actually happened when they know that it did.
A lot of the abuse was psychological and very subtle, during the relationship I questioned whether it was all really happening or if it was all in my mind (as was his intention). To this day, I question my own perceptions.
I have even had very mild delusions. My self esteem has plummeted and I care about things less than I used to and I talk a lot quieter nowadays. I feel like I'm different to everyone else and that I won't live until I'm old.
I have mood swings and I feel...stuck.
I'm sorry that this is so long and there's probably a lot of stuff I've forgotten to mention...but is this PTSD?
Even so called professionals have laughed at me
