Does Ptsd Make You More Apt To Cut Off Ties With A Child

[Riggs413]

I am 44, suffer from PTSD and my daughter is 20. I am/was a police officer for over 20 years now, she is a third year university student. Her mother and I seperated when she was only 1 y/o.

During her lifetime we have had our ups and downs. Things were good until she was about 8, with her then moving to another country with her mother. After that I didn't see her much, only 3 or 4 times a year until she was about 13. Things weren't great, weren't bad either during this time. Things were bad from 13 until she was 16 or 17 and I had very little contact with her. When she turned 17, things turned around and things were on there way back to good again. Also during this time, she started dating a fine young man.

Here is my problem.

Two months ago my OH and I had arranged to meet my daughter and her boyfriend at a golf resort not far from my daughter's place for a 4 day vacation. I was really looking forward to spending time with my daughter and her boyfriend. I had thoroughly enjoyed my time with her boyfriend, he came from a family of cops and firefighters and he never exhibited any behaviour that I would consider in a negative way. I thought he was an all around great kid from a great family.

A month ago, my daughter called me and told me that she couldn't meet us, as her boyfriend had assaulted her during an arguement and that they had broken up. Over the course of that following week I spoke with her on numerous occasions to make sure that she was as well as she could be. I offerred to visit her at that time and to help her in any way that I could (yes, being a police officer and father this included anything that needed to be done legally or illegally to the boyfriend).

During our conversations, I told her about my opinions of men (cowards) who hit women, women who stay in a relationship where they are treated that way and some of the crappy things I had seen during my career in regards to domestic abuse situations. My daughter told me that she was an innocent party and that her boyfriend had hit her during an arguement about her having gone to the beach for the day with a girlfriend. I try not to be "a cop" at home but can't help it at times so part of me thought the situation didn't sound right. I let it go, as it was my baby girl and I tried to be just a father.

Though we cancelled the golf vacation, I convinced her to come up to my home and still spend time with my OH and I. She came up and we had a great time. During her visit, we again revisited the domestic assault issue and what transpired between my daughter and her boyfriend. My daughter said that everything was fine, her boyfriend wasn't stalking her and she was getting on with her life. I told my daughter that I would never be able to forgive her boyfriend for what he did and she understood how I felt. Things were great as my OH and I wished her well when she left and headed for home.

Today, my daughter called me. You guess it. She told me that she is talking to her boyfriend again and they are talking about getting back together again. I asked her to explain her feelings and why she was considering this. During our conversation, she told me that she wasn't as innocent as she had said, that she had also assaulted her boyfriend during the original arguement. I told her that I was disappointed if her decision was to start having a relationship again with her boyfriend. I also told her that I wasn't sure anymore about whether she was lying then or now and I was having trouble with the lack of trust that I now had. The conversation went down hill from there and it ended with us agreeing not to have any further contact.

MY QUESTION

Does having PTSD make us more apt to push children away than a "normal" parent? I am torn as I am not sure how to answer this question.

Obviously I am heart broken over having no future contact with my daughter. My beliefs are telling me that I did the right thing though as I couldn't stand for her being in that type of relationship. I know that I am a conservative person and that given my career I view many things as right/wrong or black/white. I can't stop thinking about wanting to do physical harm to my daughter's boyfriend. I am also having a huge problem now with the lack of trust I have in my daughter.

My OH is a school teacher, far more liberal minded than me and I think she pampers and coddles her children. We have no children together, I respect her for who she is but I don't agree with how she parents, just as she doesn't agree with how I parent. In just about every parenting aspect we see things from opposite sides. My OH and I have already discussed this and she has told me that she can only tell me what she would have done and she can't answer what I would have done pre PTSD. She agrees with what I have written here about myself but states that she is still at a loss as she doesn't have PTSD.

I am not looking for anyone's opinion about whether they agree or disagree with me about my parenting skills/styles/beliefs. I have mine, you have yours, we are each entitled to our own. What I do want to know though is, does PTSD make us more apt to cut children out of our lives. Did I cut my daughter off because of who I am/what I believe in, (I can live with that) or did I do it because of PTSD? (I don't want to live with that, if I only did it because of PTSD) That is what I am struggling with.
Views or opinions from those that suffer or have insight would be greatly appreciated.

Riggs

 

[kers]

Oh, what a difficult situation. And, if I may be blunt, what a ridiculous choice you two have made, to cut contact over this one thing. I hope you can reconcile, as you clearly love each other.

It's impossible to know what really happened between her and her boyfriend. It was wrong of her boyfriend to hit her, whether or not she hit him as well. Perhaps she is now being truthful about her role, or perhaps she is backpedaling because she feels she must have played a role (thinking as an abuse victim).

Although you may be disappointed in her choice to return to the boyfriend, she has made that choice--hearing that you are disappointed will not change her opinion, though it may make her more determined to prove you wrong.

Perhaps you two could discuss why she didn't tell you she played a larger role in the initial argument. Telling her you don't trust her will do nothing to build her trust in you. You are her father, and I think the best thing you could do for her is make it clear that you are there for her no matter what her choices are, that you will love her no matter what she does.

These are just my opinions, mind. But I would worry less about whether PTSD is somehow responsible for your behavior and more about identifying the kind of relationship you want with your daughter and how you can achieve it.

 

[2quilt]

I don't know the answer to your question; I would say a little of both, from the information you provided.

What I hope is that she does not call you from the emergency room the next time they have an argument. It is very hard to watch a train wreck. You and I both know that once he hits her and gets away with it, he will not stop. It will escalate. I have PTSD too, but even if I didn't I would feel the same way you do because nobody wants to see their children make bad decisions when the parents know from experience how those decisions will end up.

Vent your feelings. If she won't hear you, vent here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Hi Riggs,

I got a phone call one morning at 5 am. It was the Sheriff in the town my daughter lived in. He told me that my daughter was at the local hospital, that her husband was under arrest for domestic violence, and he had taken pictures of my daughter for the court. He also said that he had never seen anyone so beaten before...

My daughter told me that her husband was jealous over a neighbor and that's why be beat the shit out of her. They split up and he harassed her for weeks on end. I bought food, clothing for my 2 grandkids, and gave her whatever $$ I had, because her husband refused to support her and the kids. This went on for several weeks.

THEN.....I get the phone call. They are back together.....I went ballistic. I couldn't believe she would take him back....I eventually had to get used to the idea, and 2 yrs later found out the truth. My daughter was cheating on her husband. That's why he was jealous. NO he never should have touched her. He went to court, did spousal abuse, and anger management classes and never laid a finger on her again...

Several yrs later my daughter and I had an arguement. She hasn't spoken to me, or allowed me to see my grand children in over 5 yrs now.

My point is... I KNOW how you feel about your daughter being abused, and I also KNOW how life is without my daughter....It isn't easy, it sucks, it's awful.......Please think before you make a rash decision........

 

[pandora]

Whoa.......I am the daughter in all this anger in my particular cicumstance.....i beleive PTSD makes us think black or white.....it is documented. I know I am not that great at taking my own advice but PTSD makes us doubt oursleves......maybe family counselling or a mediator to trusting relative could get you face to face.

 

[linasmom]

Riggs,

What a difficult thing you're going through right now. I'll keep my opinion short: I think your parenting skills and core beliefs are speaking and not the PTSD. Where I do think the PTSD is talking is the all/nothing decision to cut off contact with her. You can still hold true to your beliefs, but the reaction to have no contact at all sounds to me like the PTSD.

Best,
Rachel

 

[FlameTachiku]

I am curious about a male's perspective on this situation. I sorry for your struggle.

 

[becvan]

I also told her that I wasn't sure anymore about whether she was lying then or now and I was having trouble with the lack of trust that I now had. The conversation went down hill from there and it ended with us agreeing not to have any further contact.

I know that I am a conservative person and that given my career I view many things as right/wrong or black/white. I can't stop thinking about wanting to do physical harm to my daughter's boyfriend. I am also having a huge problem now with the lack of trust I have in my daughter.

The trust issue would be natural given the circumstances and your career. However it would be compounded by the PTSD, as PTSD causes major trust issues to begin with. So although you have good reason not to trust her, you could also being going to the extreme because of the PTSD.

With a conversation getting heated and emotional, a natural stress reaction with PTSD is to CUT ALL CONTACT. Frankly, yes I think this is the PTSD. You already have black and white thinking with your career, the PTSD will just make that worse. Instead of looking for a compromise, you see only one or the other.

With your reaction of wanting to harm the boyfreind (although I believe that to be quite natural of a father in this type of situation) you may have to safeguard that you actually don't do this. PTSD rage could really get the best of you here.

So, yes I think the PTSD has gotten the best of you here. I would suggest looking for a compromise. You visit with her only without the boyfreind present. Both for his protection and yours. You do not get any further involved in mishaps with this relationship as long as she chooses to stay in it. However be there for your daughter otherwise. These are just suggestions. Really look for what boundaries you need to rebuild the trust between you two and to keep a bit of a distance from her current relationship.

My heart goes out to you. This is a complicated issue and the PTSD just makes it that much harder to navigate. Take care and keep us updated if you wish.

bec

 

[Rivergirl]

Hi Riggs------I agree with the above posts. I think the decision to cut off contact and the reaction of not trusting her is probably created or compounded by PTSD.
Personally, I think what you're ending up doing is giving your daughter the message that you are judging her or giving her the ultimatum that your relationship with her is dependant on her not seeing this guy. To be blunt, do you love her unconditionally?----or do you love her only if she does what you want, and sees who you approve of?
You have a great opportunity here to be someone who can remind her of what is healthy and acceptable in relationships and what is not; and to help her navigate through some difficult feelings and decisions. You can tell her that you are on her side, and that abuse is not acceptable, and that you are there for her to help her in any way you can. Even if she makes decisions you don't like, you are there for her, reminding her that she has a choice. But you can't do that if you cut off contact. Then she's alone to deal with this.
Your reaction of not trusting her because she left out some things in her first version of events seems to me like a PTSD reaction. Have you ever been kind of embarrassed or nervous about telling someone something, and kind of whitewashed your part in it at first? :wink: Everyone has done this at some time, and I think she may have done it because she cared what you thought of her and was fearful of your reaction or ashamed of her part in it. That she did eventually tell you more of what happened shows that she took a risk with you. I think a more appropriate reaction on your part would be to understand that and to be glad that she's opening up to you more, and just deal with the new version of events.
I can't imagine parenting on top of PTSD, on top of having your child in an abusive relationship. What a lot to deal with. But remember, it's her life, her decision. You can't live this for her. She's the one who has to learn. But you certainly are in a position to help her do that.
You have a lot of experience and wisdom that can be helpful to this girl at this time in her life, and she needs to hear it on a regular basis. :poke: I hope you can reach out to her: it sounds to me like she needs you.

Rivergirl

 

[Rivergirl]

P.S.----I've been thinking about my post and I just want to add----it's hard to see someone you care about in a difficult situation that you don't have control over. Don't forget your own needs and to recognize your own limits. I find that, although I used to be able to handle a dozen things, wade knee-deep through chaos, and juggle six flaming clubs at the same time, now the smallest thing stresses me out and I snap unexpectedly.
So take care of yourself in all this too, right?

Rivergirl

 

[Dylan]

Hi Riggs,

Hmmm....good question. Probably impossible to tell how much is the PTSD and how much is your personality/approach.

I don't have children but I do know that I disengage and detach very easily from any kind of relationship - even familial. I had no contact with my parents for about 12 years (my choice - my (C)PTSD is from early onset of parental violence and incest). However, when I heard that my mother has an illness that will eventually take her life I kept thinking, "Oh, I really oughta try for resolution there...." and then I'd forget for 6 months or so... then something would remind me again and I'd think (and forget) the same thing.

It's not just with my abusers, either. I have no friends from high school, only one friend who has known me longer that 15 years. I just tend drift away...I detach easily.

Don't suppose this helps, but I do believe that "easy detachment" is part of this thing.

-Dylan

 

[Rivergirl]

Wow, what an interesting observation, Dylan. I've always beat myself up that I do that too. I move from place to place, leaving friends behind and just let the relationships go. Even friends that I have now, I don't feel like I do much to maintain the relationship.
I wonder if you find that you do this to any degree Riggs?

Rivergirl