Relationship He Called Today

[Deleted member 27524]

Thank you all for your replies. Funny thing he has kept minimal contact with me over the last month but yesterday he was ready to talk. We had a conversation to which I ended it abruptly. He began bombarding me with texts last night of "you make me happy" and "hope you have a good night". You know that feeling that people often get when your scared to lose someone? Yeah, I don't have that anymore. I guess I don't see how someone goes from "you get me and make me so happy and have been so good to me I need you in my life always" to a very cold "me and my daughter are prolly moving to Colorado and I can't handle your kids, heck I can't even handle one. You need to date and I never made you stay or do shit". Now it's "you are my happy and I wanna see you and take you out for your birthday shopping in a few weeks". Excuse me but WHAT? My heads still spinning.

I get the being symptomatic from his ptsd at times but I really feel in my gut it was the job offer that changed his thinking. Nothing changed until that job offer and suddenly he's confused. Everyone has a right to explore their options I do agree to that but I guess it hurt me. I felt like as much as I've been through for and with him it was a slap in the face. He doesn't even know if he got the job for a few more months but he said he realized his happiness wasn't there.

I had every reason in this world to believe we both wanted the same thing as we discussed many times. I suppose to me the fact that he could just be oh so happy one second and the next he's moving clear cross country, I dunno, what's that really say? He could drop me that easy?

Maybe I'm stupid I dunno. I consider myself to be pretty intelligent when it comes to men and yes I gave him way more leeway because of his ptsd but I really thought we could make this work. I learned how to handle his isolations well, not perfect I mean we all have our moments but I'd say I did okay. I proved to him that I was their for the right reasons and not the fact that he could lay anything at my feet financially and yes I think I deserved better.

Nothing he says means shit to me now. I always dreamed of the day I'd hear "I love you" come from his lips but even that means nothing to me now. I don't trust him anymore. I ask myself when has he ever truly just been there for me? I understand he can't a lot of the time but I mean come on their has to be at least some pros that I'm getting for staying. However, I can not think of one single time he has just been there for me to make it worth me even entertaining the idea to see him face to face and have the conversation he's requested.

I guess I'm at the point of thinking I just don't want him anymore. Don't care who he dates nor if he goes on a slew of one nighters with whomever. Normally that would've put me to my knees but I'm drained. I'm tapped out. I give. I've simply stopped caring. Will I feel that way a month from now? Who knows. I do however know he's never made me feel like this and the fact that I spent all month practically grieving that loss already, well I don't wanna have to go through this again.

 

[Sighs]

Sadly (for him) it sounds like its just too little too late and you have moved on. :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

You sound very grounded compared to this man and now it sounds like he doesn't deserve you. Like he is not worthy of your love. I can understand he should have thought of you, but he hasn't.

You sound very mature in decision taking, you thought of him and meant it.

You sound steady and stable person. You know your place, limitations and what can you do with it.

I hope you feel better soon. You are not stupid person, you just had to learn some lessons and went through tough time.

 

[catlover26]

Thunderstorm,

You have grown a lot to realize your happiness doesn't depend on him. There is a plaque hanging in our Al-Anon room that states 'The key to my happiness is not found in someone else's pocket". It is taking me a while for me to really learn this but I am working on it.

It seems like you have become strong and know what you want for now. Think of your happiness and what is best for you. I know people always gush (and I used to too) in the movie Jerry Macquire when Tom Cruise says "You complete me". That is a bunch of BS. They shouldn't 'complete us'. We should be a whole, complete, happy person with or without them.

 

[hodge]

Good for you, Thunderstorm. I am glad to see you are sounding stronger. I would never put my husband through what you've been through with him. I am responsible for my PTSD, my feelings, my behavior, and I am very lucky to have a guy who supports me and sticks with me no matter what. You are a beautiful young woman, kind and caring, and you deserve a guy who will cherish you and your boys. I pray you find him soon.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Thank you all so much for the kind words. D and I talked yesterday quite a bit. He wanted to fly me to Colorado and when I refused he wanted to fly here to Kentucky. He said we need to have a talk and I need to look in his eyes and we can make some adult decisions.

He is up for a chiefs job at a fire department in Colorado. He is one of the final three. He said "they'll never pick an outsider for the job"( he's originally from Tennessee). He has been a captain at a department there for many years. However, I asked him point blank yesterday out of curiosity was he moving there to which he said "NO". I admit I felt relief, after all I'm only human and I can't just make all my feelings just die at once. We continued to talk and he was trying to pull me back in hard. Telling me literally how much I mean to him, how he had never had a woman to make him happier,how he wishes I knew how he truly felt about me,how he thinks and fantasizes about me during the day,how he can't get enough of me. Hmm gee then why are debating leaving me? He said if picked for this job he won't be taking over for a year. He said one of his stipulations in the interview was that he wanted to run the department which he would be the fire chief over in Colorado from his home in Tennessee so he wouldn't have to move. He said he MAY never have to move and IF he did it MIGHT not be for a few years IF at all. However he just had previously told me when I asked him point blank that "NO I'm not moving". Pretty confusing? Am I suppose to just stand by and wait for him to decide when or if he is leaving?

It hurts a lot because I have stood by him. I took all of it. One day he was happy and in less than 24 hours he wants nothing to do with me and I didn't know why until I heard the job he was up for. I guess I feel betrayed? I could see it if he needed the money but he's set for life, his daughter and grandchildren are set for life. So yeah I kinda feel awkward.
The job is what he's pretty much chose in the snap of a finger. It is/was his choice I know but it has spoken volumes how much he valued me or us.

Here's the best part. I know what he's doing. He's trying to keep contact with me just in case he doesn't get the job. I firmly believe that. I believe they call that a back up plan? I even called him out on it but of course he said no he didn't see it that way. I told him we have no reason to see or communicate farther and he seems to think I'm being unreasonable. He wants me to come to Colorado, NOW! Why would I want to get closer to a man who has done what he's done here? I said to him "why do you wanna see me or get closer to me it's only gonna be harder?" He doesn't want to let go. No, in fact he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants loyal little Amanda to be here just in case he doesn't get the job he ditched her for.

I don't think his ptsd plays any part in what he's done here. I firmly believe he found something far more attractive in his eyes and jumped on it. Again, his choice I understand.

I'd never be able to trust him after this. At any given time he has shown me he will leave. The hardest part for me was after having the mortal shit beat out of me for all of my 15 years of marriage was I didn't think I could love again. I just knew I couldn't but I ended up falling in love with him deeper than ever in my life. The hardest part is letting go of that love I feel for him because I realize he doesn't care about me which he's proven that. It helps me to let go. I'm a really good woman and that sounds totally arrogant but it's true. I came to a site 3 years ago to learn how to be the best supporter I could be and even tells me I've been great. Some thanks I get. I can't just be waiting for him to pick me or for the job to fall through. My last words to him were "I hope you get your dream job and it proves prosperous and worth it, goodbye" I blocked him via phone.

 

[Peach]

I'm so sorry everything turned out this way. Sounds like you've made the best decision.

 

[Tanishq]

Edit: You are most welcome to talk with us.

I'm a really good woman and that sounds totally arrogant

To me that means you love yourself and you know what you have chose to be, good woman. That doesn't sound arrogant to me.

I am sorry to hear the way things turned out. Love is very difficult thing to do. Most precious. I understand your difficulty and decision you took. I hope you heal in time.

 

[Wastinglight]

The hardest part for me was after having the mortal shit beat out of me for all of my 15 years of marriage was I didn't think I could love again. I just knew I couldn't but I ended up falling in love with him deeper than ever in my life.

Hi @Thunderstorm. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this again. After my 15 years of putting up with a lying, cheating narcissist, I promised myself I would never allow myself to fall in love again. But it just happens doesn't it? And when you have your hopes dashed again, it's so hard to bounce back.

I'm having a super shitty time with my guy right now, and I'm wondering if we're going to make it, so I'm pretty short on good advice today. But I just wanted to say I really feel for you, and remember that you are strong and you'll get through this. Hugs if you'd like them.

 

[nursenurse]

You have come a long way in realizing your own self worth. And you have also learned that it is possible to love again after your marriage, even though you have been hurt in the process. There are several holes in your guy's story which set up more red flags to me, I will not dissect them here because I think you have already caught them.

Feelings are what they are, they cannot be turned off at the drop of a hat. Kudos for taking charge of your wants and needs. It took almost a year for the emotions to start to dissipate when I broke off with my Dude, another six months before a couple of casual dates. Then I realized what I have known all along, that I am all right being me, on my own. I live a full, rich life as is. If someone happens along in the future, yes I will be more cautious, but that is what heart break does to you, and it refines your own expectations of a potential partner and of yourself.

Best of luck, let time be your friend. Just because he let you go does not take away the fact that you are capable and worthy of love. You are a good woman, as you said. Never forget that.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Hello all! So I blocked my sufferers cell from all texts and calls and then I think he caught on and began calling/texting from a different number. So guess what? We did talk yesterday, I caved. It did get heated prolly not the best idea. Anyways he came home to Tennessee today, it was his first day back after being gone 6 weeks and I told him plainly yesterday that my parents were pushing this guy on me and that we were going out on a date today. Well he calls me just now to tell me he's PROBABLY not moving because his daughter doesn't want to so I shouldn't worry to much about it.

Excuse me but who the F#%k does he think he is? Yes I'll admit all feelings aren't dead I'm only human but I don't feel as strongly for him anymore. However for him to just think ok we can just pick up where we left off after he ditched me in the coldest way possible for a job after I stood by him almost 3 years...Ummm No! It was one thing to have an adult conversation with me about the job offer but another to come up with 50 reasons why he didn't want to be with me and now I shouldn't worry about him moving to much and he's trying to Casanova his way back to the ONLY woman he's met in the last 15 years who didn't take him for what she could get. I don't think so.

I loved this man fiercely but he did me wrong and his ptsd I think had nothing to do with it. So he was just an asshole!

Yes I'm gloating and yes it feels good cause he treated me like dirt and now regrets it. Don't get me wrong I'm a forgiver by nature but after so much your heart just won't allow you too and mine screams "please no more" every time I see his name on my phone.Hahaha Karma is good!

 

[Tanishq]

Thunderstorm, sounds you are a lesson for him "how to love a woman!" and I doubt he will understand anything out of this. I support your decisions, please know. You are not alone in this. I hope he understands, this is over and goes away.

:hug: if you are in need and accept.