Marissa Hammah
New Here
I can't say it enough, I KEEP dissociating!
It's SO FRUSTRATING... Caps don't help! Lol
I've had C-PTSD my whole life, and I am now seventeen years old with SO many opportunities ahead of me. I don't even know what I'm doing right now, I do know. I keep forgetting where I am. I'm outside of my body just watching. It's like being swept over, and over again by the waves of the ocean. First wave slap, and you're thinking, wow, I just got hit by a wave. I won't let that happen ag-...SLAP.
From start to new start, I keep going, but I can take any step forward and I'll be swept back. I could say I feel like crying, but I've done my best to block that out.. My counselor and I find that it doesn't help too much. hahaha ehhh heehhhh FLIP!
Today, I forgot what I was suppose to do. Today, you mean, I mean, tonight? I can't really focus during the day? Seeing everyone around me doing their own thing, thinking, where am I? I'm alone. At a store? At the gym? In the car? By the way, I've almost gotten into maaany car accidents while dissociating. I want my life back, PLEASE!
My life.... My life is fun. Besides the C-PTSD, DID, BDD, bulimia relapses, bipolar 2 disorder, history of severe concussions, a severe car accident I got into January 14th, 2015 that put me in a horrible place for months. Not to mention, my family. I have blocked the hell of them out of me, mostly. I need to focus on myself more than anything. I don't speak to my dad, and haven't spoken to him for over a year. He's on drugs, and he abused me when I was fifteen, severely, when I was dying from myxedema coma/crisis (severe hypothyroidism). I was "trapped" with him in a desert like area in California, I was suffering from malnutrition, and bulimia, too. I was embarrassed, royally, in public. Paralyzed in a shopping cart at Walmart, and couldn't stop crying. My skin was so puffy, and I was seriously dying in a shopping cart. Everyone knew it, too.
AAAAHHHHHH!!
Okay, anyways. That's not it. I'm done talking about that story, I could go on.
When I was about four years old, my brother put a gun to my head and told me he'd kill me. Imagine being four years old and begging for your life. I had to say that to my mom, since she still doesn't care, and doesn't acknowledge it.
My mom's always contentious, and my dad was also, mostly when he was on drugs.
At two, my dad dropped me on the porch in the backyard and psychotically yelled at me for chewing on a kids computer game cd. That's something light that I remember.
I can't remember the early, early years of my childhood. I was very curious in sexual ways when I was three. I had a computer when I was in third grade, and looked up porn. I can remember sucking my dad's toes, and nipples.. I kinda wanna laugh, I probably shouldn't. I know this isn't normal, but what if I was just a really strange child and nothing ever happened?
Do I (want to) understand? No, I don't understand.
Anyways, I was raped when I was thirteen as well. I was in that abusive relationship for eleven months. I dressed like a boy, and was disgusted with myself and other people for two years afterwards. I have trouble not dissociating during sex (non-abusive, of course).
OKAY, I NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. I was almost killed by my brother two other times! My parents didn't really do anything about it!
Other than those small issues, my life is pretty effin' great.
I love music. I am an aspiring musician, and actor. I've thought about modeling, but dammit, I need to get control of this bulimia. As well as my financial situation. I live with my mom, and her house is in foreclosure. SO.. mixed blessing, yes! Forced independence! No time to dissociate!
Before my car accident, which was 6-7 months ago, I was still getting my songs together, which is a big process, don't get me wrong. I improvised live, and contacted a local band to play with. I trained myself with piano, singing, and now guitar. I was improving greatly, then the car accident came.
I had to lay on a recliner for three-four months with a brain injury that could've killed me at one point. I, i, i, i, i.. I always say I!
I've had a drug addiction with marijuana. I feel silly saying that to people since marijuana is harmless. Unless you have a dissociative disorder. I have to say, it did help me a lot with physical pain, and getting to sleep with it. Medication is not my thing, have had an addiction with that as well.
Are you getting a headache yet?
So, I see now from what I have written that I have been hit various times. It's the hardest thing to keep moving forward. After the time with my dad when I was fifteen (appx. a year ago), I was disabled in a car accident, six months after. 1.....2.....STOP! please. jebus christ!
I was still recovering from the severe abusive trauma, and medical trauma from the time I was with my dad, then was traumatized mentally and physically, again!
I am sitting here, using my laptop to type this. Can't say what I'm writing is productive...or is it? I've written a lot as you could probably imagine.
Please tell me that everything's okay, and that I don't start my sentences with i's all the time. I want to know that I have purpose, I want to prove it more than anything. Also, that the "pause" I feel, will fade. I want 100% control of MY life!
....JEBUS?
It's SO FRUSTRATING... Caps don't help! Lol
I've had C-PTSD my whole life, and I am now seventeen years old with SO many opportunities ahead of me. I don't even know what I'm doing right now, I do know. I keep forgetting where I am. I'm outside of my body just watching. It's like being swept over, and over again by the waves of the ocean. First wave slap, and you're thinking, wow, I just got hit by a wave. I won't let that happen ag-...SLAP.
From start to new start, I keep going, but I can take any step forward and I'll be swept back. I could say I feel like crying, but I've done my best to block that out.. My counselor and I find that it doesn't help too much. hahaha ehhh heehhhh FLIP!
Today, I forgot what I was suppose to do. Today, you mean, I mean, tonight? I can't really focus during the day? Seeing everyone around me doing their own thing, thinking, where am I? I'm alone. At a store? At the gym? In the car? By the way, I've almost gotten into maaany car accidents while dissociating. I want my life back, PLEASE!
My life.... My life is fun. Besides the C-PTSD, DID, BDD, bulimia relapses, bipolar 2 disorder, history of severe concussions, a severe car accident I got into January 14th, 2015 that put me in a horrible place for months. Not to mention, my family. I have blocked the hell of them out of me, mostly. I need to focus on myself more than anything. I don't speak to my dad, and haven't spoken to him for over a year. He's on drugs, and he abused me when I was fifteen, severely, when I was dying from myxedema coma/crisis (severe hypothyroidism). I was "trapped" with him in a desert like area in California, I was suffering from malnutrition, and bulimia, too. I was embarrassed, royally, in public. Paralyzed in a shopping cart at Walmart, and couldn't stop crying. My skin was so puffy, and I was seriously dying in a shopping cart. Everyone knew it, too.
AAAAHHHHHH!!
Okay, anyways. That's not it. I'm done talking about that story, I could go on.
When I was about four years old, my brother put a gun to my head and told me he'd kill me. Imagine being four years old and begging for your life. I had to say that to my mom, since she still doesn't care, and doesn't acknowledge it.
My mom's always contentious, and my dad was also, mostly when he was on drugs.
At two, my dad dropped me on the porch in the backyard and psychotically yelled at me for chewing on a kids computer game cd. That's something light that I remember.
I can't remember the early, early years of my childhood. I was very curious in sexual ways when I was three. I had a computer when I was in third grade, and looked up porn. I can remember sucking my dad's toes, and nipples.. I kinda wanna laugh, I probably shouldn't. I know this isn't normal, but what if I was just a really strange child and nothing ever happened?
Do I (want to) understand? No, I don't understand.
Anyways, I was raped when I was thirteen as well. I was in that abusive relationship for eleven months. I dressed like a boy, and was disgusted with myself and other people for two years afterwards. I have trouble not dissociating during sex (non-abusive, of course).
OKAY, I NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. I was almost killed by my brother two other times! My parents didn't really do anything about it!
Other than those small issues, my life is pretty effin' great.
I love music. I am an aspiring musician, and actor. I've thought about modeling, but dammit, I need to get control of this bulimia. As well as my financial situation. I live with my mom, and her house is in foreclosure. SO.. mixed blessing, yes! Forced independence! No time to dissociate!
Before my car accident, which was 6-7 months ago, I was still getting my songs together, which is a big process, don't get me wrong. I improvised live, and contacted a local band to play with. I trained myself with piano, singing, and now guitar. I was improving greatly, then the car accident came.
I had to lay on a recliner for three-four months with a brain injury that could've killed me at one point. I, i, i, i, i.. I always say I!
I've had a drug addiction with marijuana. I feel silly saying that to people since marijuana is harmless. Unless you have a dissociative disorder. I have to say, it did help me a lot with physical pain, and getting to sleep with it. Medication is not my thing, have had an addiction with that as well.
Are you getting a headache yet?
So, I see now from what I have written that I have been hit various times. It's the hardest thing to keep moving forward. After the time with my dad when I was fifteen (appx. a year ago), I was disabled in a car accident, six months after. 1.....2.....STOP! please. jebus christ!
I was still recovering from the severe abusive trauma, and medical trauma from the time I was with my dad, then was traumatized mentally and physically, again!
I am sitting here, using my laptop to type this. Can't say what I'm writing is productive...or is it? I've written a lot as you could probably imagine.
Please tell me that everything's okay, and that I don't start my sentences with i's all the time. I want to know that I have purpose, I want to prove it more than anything. Also, that the "pause" I feel, will fade. I want 100% control of MY life!
....JEBUS?
