What Happens In A Church... Can't Be Talked About With My Therapist?! What?!

[Justmehere]

I am so thankful for you all.

You all help me give myself grace.

I was supposed to go hang out with some 'friends' who are a part of the church at their house tonight. I have no idea if I can go, but I think it's clear that even if I could, I need to stay away, for my sake.

I emailed my therapist a brief statement that "something came up" and I needed to just let her know I was going to call a crisis line or go to a walk in counseling clinic later tonight. She emailed back and said she is around and can do an emergency session.

Maybe I just needed to know she is there.

It's going to be really hard to tell her about this stupid mess.

Thanks everyone for the honest feedback and encouragement and support.

 

[Ronin]

@Justmehere, you already have your grace & can't lose it, we're just pointing it's there ;)

You can tell your therapist in small pieces. You don't have to tell her all at once. You also don't have to tell her directly what happened; you can speak about how it made you feel, to the degree you can feel, or how it made you react, and where you need to move from that, what you're thinking about the whole thing and need guidance on.

You can start with how you can express yourself, when totality of it is not possible. Small bits? Are good bits.

 

[seedling]

What I ended up with was more public shaming, albeit this time I deserved it for screaming at them to stop.

No, you didn't deserve it. You don't have to behave perfectly to have people treat you decently. It can't be that you have to always "do the right thing" while they are let off the hook for their provocation.

In your screaming of your refusal of their terms I hear the abused child finally able to speak up and take charge: ain't takin' that sh*t anymore! Sometimes it's gotta' come out, and sometimes other people need to hear it plain.

It takes two to tango and they need to accept responsibility for their part. You seem more than ready to examine what responsibility you have in the situation. It seems that they want to take none. You don't have to shoulder all the responsibility for what happened.

I personally don't think you did anything wrong. If anyone felt hurt by you taping A Bible Study (!) a simple apology and some reflection on what you could do differently next time should suffice.

I think you may come out of this with the ability to keep even more toxicity out of your life. This may not be the worst kind of cultish behavior you've come up against but it may be another layer of it manifesting so you can recognize it and heal some more.

Don't let anyone control your therapy choices or get involved in your therapy as they suggest (creepy). You will find true friends and good places to be. I know it hurts an awful lot right now. Hang in there. You may find that you have found a few real friends there who may come around to you in the end, even if they're not "allowed."

 

[Neverthesame]

You keep saying you did something wrong, and whilst I think it is good that you are looking at your behaviour as well as theirs. It just doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong. Honestly, if I thought otherwise I'd tell you, I don't see the point in reinforcing bad behaviour, definitely not on a mental health forum, especially when the person is seemingly open to criticism.

The pastors on the other hand, their behaviour is totally inexcusable. So much so, that I think being sworn at by you is the least they deserve. I still don't understand why you recording anything was a problem. This is seriously the first time I have ever heard of a Christian Church not wanting the message spread outside its walls. Very disconcerting indeed. Secrecy does not belong in a house of God.

I do hate to say this, but. With regards to your friends in the church, if for example (I'm Catholic, so I am going to use the structure I understand best), the priest at my church were to say to me, "Neverthesame, I don't want you to associate with Justmehere anymore. She's breaking unwritten rules and exhibiting behaviour that makes us look bad. And she has poor taste in peanut butter. This will not do, we must shun her, for she is not worthy of worshipping God in the same church as us."

(I won't include the swearing in my response, but believe me, there would be alot of it.) I would say "Father, you are truly telling me to shun the ill? That you have the authority above God himself to determine who is or is not worthy to hear his message? That someone who needs the support and guidance, that the church, it's leader's and follower's are told, not from some policy maker somewhere, but from what is written in the Bible. To provide willingly, selflessly, because it is the right bloody thing to do. You are seriously telling me that I should go against not just God's will, or the churches teaching but what is just plain decency. Because this person makes you look bad? You may ex-communicate me at your leisure. You make yourself look bad. I'll have nothing further to do with your church. Go to hell."

I am deeply saddened that those people would be so cruel as to pretend to care for you, only to turn their backs in your hour of need. Deeply shameful thing to do to someone.

All that rubbish about them choosing a therapist to communicate with you. All of that is just bullocks. Very shady, don't like the sound of that one bit. Smells of ambush.

My heart goes out to you for having to endure such an awful experience. I really hope you are doing okay, and that you can find a church whose leader's and follower's have actually read the Bible. And are capable of conducting themselves as Christians.

Again you have done nothing wrong.
They are the fool's who have built their houses on sand.

 

[seedling]

Since he mentioned having a therapist, why not suggest that he have his therapist meet with her therapist and your therapist to sort out whose behavior is what. Why is it that you must be the one needing the therapy here just because you have PTSD?

Their behavior smells like bullying to me.

Hope your therapist is able to give you support through this, you definitely deserve good support. Healing wishes to you...

 

[City Slicker]

@Justmehere - I don't have anything new to add to the wonderful words others have already said - I just wanted you to know I am
keeping a good thought for you while you navigate through this difficult and painful situation.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm in tears because I am feeling so hurt, and yet so thankful for all your responses. Every single one. I don't quite even know how to respond to them all.

I just spent some time writing out a letter of compassion to myself. I know, it's weird, and I rarely can give myself a moment of kindness... But tonight, I have been able to write out a whole paragraph. I'm going to bring it to therapy with me on Monday.

I am trying to see this as a life lesson, and a learning experience... not that I lost everything. I really cared about these people, and I think they really cared for me, deeply.

It's time for me to move on. It's sad. It is a really sad thing. It hurts. I miss them. But this door needs to be closed, and stay closed. At least right now. (It's going to take time for me to fully let go.)

Since he mentioned having a therapist, why not suggest that he have his therapist meet with her therapist and your therapist to sort out whose behavior is what. Why is it that you must be the one needing the therapy here just because you have PTSD?

Good point!

At one point in the middle of me yelling at him and melting down, I said, "you can't tell me what to tell my therapist, I will talk to them about anything I want." He said, "what if I shared our conversations with a therapist I went to? I would be invading your privacy."

I replied, "I think that's a great idea! Please go and do that."

This didn't seem like the response he was expecting. He just shook his head like I was a fool.

I told him, "I dare you to find a single therapist that would agree that clients shouldn't talk about things that affect them just because they happened in a church. Please go find that therapist. Please. Go find them."

Then we went back to the stupid texting and emailing thing, and me cursing up a storm.

ARGH.

Thanks to all the comments here, I am beginning to smile through all the tears tonight. It is actually kind of funny that after they kick me out for screaming at them to stop sending me texts and emails, they text me to tell me they emailed me. I don't know how they could have invaded that simple boundary any more than they did... I'm almost glad for it. I need people in my life that let me say no. I said no, and they ran it over so clearly I can not delude myself into thinking they are the kind of people that respect boundaries. They did clearly show me that they are not people who will respect boundaries.

I also know that they are way too much for me to handle.

Letting go is so hard. Thank you to everyone for making it a lot easier to get through this day and night.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Justmehere I'm at a bit of a loss as to adding more that already hasn't been said, except to say that from what I read you yelled only after reaching your frustration level, several times after trying to ask them politely to respect your boundaries. Who wouldn't?

Don't let anyone control your therapy choices or get involved in your therapy as they suggest (creepy).

Therapy is your business & no one has the right to dictate what you can or cannot reveal to your T. Why, so you won't have an ally? Sounds to me like they know they're in the wrong, & are afraid your T will say so also. Because though I too don't like the thought of being recorded (personally) it's because of my shame. My words however, if I said them I have no issue with them being recorded in terms of taking responsibility for them. If they wanted what's best for you they'd be thrilled you have a good T.

You seem more than ready to examine what responsibility you have in the situation. It seems that they want to take none. You don't have to shoulder all the responsibility for what happened.

I agree. They sound not very above board.

I am deeply saddened that those people would be so cruel as to pretend to care for you, only to turn their backs in your hour of need. Deeply shameful thing to do to someone.

Shameful & disgusting. That's why actions speak louder than words when they don't match. It's painful to learn.

You've done nothing wrong but be human. If anything it sounds like they've tried to use the fact they know you are so kind to encourage you to feel like you did something wrong.

I hope you will meet new people who have a heart like yours. :inlove: Xox. :hug:

 

[seedling]

They did clearly show me that they are not people who will respect boundaries.

Good job seeing this lesson :tup:
Glad you are able to start to get a smile out of it.

I am in much the same position at work now.
My boss' wife told me in a very condemning tone that such and such about my job should never have been done. I didn't internalize the blame and simply said "I didn't have any say in it." She went on to get snarky and say "Well, I wasn't blaming you!"

Blaming me for feeling blamed WTF?

Good for you to see out of it.

 

[anonymous]

I was thinking about thread title today and something popped in my mind.

See, Church is place where sacred conversations occur. Why not share them with others? The more you share sacred things, the more they grow. This is what I believe. It's ridiculous to make them private sectors/things.

 

[Kintsugi]

Okay, JMH, this church might not be a thought reform movement (cult), but it sure as hell has enough of the makings to become more and more like one. It sounds like a toxic and abusive environment. You know what the bitch is about abusive groups (or people, for that matter)? They make you feel good enough often enough to get these distorted thoughts that maybe YOU are what's wrong when the red flags start coming up like a twisted game of psychological bop-a-mole.

Also... I LOST it when you said he texted you about emailing you. :hilarious: :cry: :bored:

 

[Ivan the Elder]

I just recently decided to go back to church. I was baptised as Lutheran but I decided that isn't the place to go. I haven't been to church in very many years. I am told the local Lutheran church is still very conservative which in that church means that whenever any question about anything comes up the answer must be found in the scripture. This can easily become a problem in modern times we now live in, such as recording a conversation. Just where in the scripture is the answer to that? It means somebody is going to have to make up something since they won't be able to find any reasonable answer in scripture.

I decided to go to the local Anglican church and am finding it very much suited to my own ways of thinking about God and and worship in general. It is a very liberal church and nobody cares where you may have been worshipping before. You become a member by simply walking inside the church. I have severe disabilities so that I cannot stand for long or sit in a pew for more than 15 or 20 minutes. I tried but by the end of the service I was in deep pain. The next Sunday they had a soft comfortable chair set up for me in one of the wheelchair spaces and the priest also said a healing prayer for me (it turns out he is a retired doctor!). I also have found that I know quite a few of the people that attend there. I am looking forward to church tomorrow.

I am very hesitant to give advice at all on this subject but I do suspect that it is time for you to find a different church to attend.