@jaccat I practice my own particular flavor of hedonism... Which includes in reveling in every damn thing I can. The teeny tiny (the sun on the top of my foot), to the outright mind blowing.
There have been times where I've taken it far beyond the edges of sanity into the realm of desperate (anything, anything wild and fierce and free, to feel alive. Just for a moment to feel alive), and times where I've put it to near Stepford Wife use (each and every single thing that I own, touch, see, use, being a thing of beauty; acquired or kept on purpose). And everything in between.
When I'm not doing well? I have an extreme difficulty in
wanting anything. I can't even want needed things, much less anything else.
The first step,
for me, in learning how to want things again? Finding joy in something I already have. Whether it's the sun on the top of my foot, or the sharp edge of a knife, or making a precise movement. Something. Anything. Something that connects me to the world around me. A notice. An awareness. Even if just for a moment. And then I start stringing moments together. The texture of something, the scent of it, the skill in something, the taste, touch, desire, want of it.
Shrug.
First I have to be aware of it. Grounding, neh? Then I have to feel some way about it. Connection. Then I have to seek it out. Moving from bright point to bright point in the dark. Adding my own stars, my own points of light.
I read this when you first posted it. I couldn't remember that process at the time. I couldn't
want anything. Not wants, not wishes, not goals. Only kept moving forward, because that's what I do. Keep moving, keep moving. Sooner or later? That would do something. Even if I couldn't remember what. I'm only just now kind of remembering, right. This is how I do that, again. This is how I start.
IDK if any of that helps you today, but it helps me. So thank you :)
