Childhood Childhood sexual abuse - flashback question

[Ladybug hugs]

Flashbacks cover the entire range of reliving the moment (as opposed to straight up memories, intrus...

Totally agree.

 

[SnowBirch22]

The thing is, my childhood was very messed up all round. And I remember a lot of it. Except there were big gaps in memory that my wife pointed out as being unusual. One being a time when I was alone with my dad for a week while my mother was in rehab for alcoholism. My wife also witnessed how inappropriate my father was with me when we first met. When I really tried to remember what happened during those times I couldn't remember... I got fragmented images of things that freaked me out & sent me into a panic attack. I also got intense pain & my PTSD kicked off big time. I'm afraid of more memories surfacing because of how the little I do remember makes me feel. I'm lucky that my wife is someone I can talk to about anything & she truly is my rock. But there are things I want to spare her from detail wise that I have trouble dealing with sometimes.

I really appreciate all the replies. It makes me feel less alone & helps me make sense of this as a normal reaction.

 

[Ladybug hugs]

The thing is, my childhood was very messed up all round. And I remember a lot of it. Except there we...

I totally relate to what you're saying Snowbirch and my husband is also ,y rock. I don't know what I'd do without his love and support through all this. I don't really talk about it much with him to also spare him but I did tell him what I remembered so he understands why I'm so protective with my children and grandson. I hope you and your wife have a great week, and stay focused on all the good you have between the two of you. :)

 

[SnowBirch22]

Thank you for all your support & your feedback. I'd like to wish you all a great week too. Cheers folks! :-)

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Greetings @SnowBirch22 .. welcome! I am here on the forum primarily as a "supporter" but have a history of some trauma/abuse in my own background.

I experience only "stills" or photo snapshots of my memory .. since working through some things with my man, I have had a couple more vivid flashbacks .. one body memory that stands out to me was when my man reached out to innocently tickle me behind my knees .. he was expecting me to collapse into giggles, and instead I collapsed into sobs with no idea why. I still can't piece it together fully, but I remember enough to know it was associated with an assault I experienced in middle school by a gang of boys.

I am SO glad you have your wife, and an understanding ear. This makes ALL the difference!

A few years ago, I went through a season of trying to piece together these "stills" .. to force myself to "remember" the specifics, or at least be able to make a coherent story out of what happened, because I felt "guilty" that I couldn't explain myself. I doubted my own memory, so I felt I couldn't reasonably expect any "sympathy" from people about it, and I didn't understand some developmental issues I had (I was very book smart, but totally lagged behind in emotional development compared to my peers), etc.

Eventually, after much agonizing and prayer, I came to "peace" in my own heart as I realized that for me (speaking personally, here), there was a reason God wasn't "revealing" to me what I so felt I NEEDED to figure out - like it was a better protection for me NOT to "know" - and I resolved to forgive the offenders .. In my case, there was no need to figure out reconciliation - I would never see these boys again (that I know of). I suspect it would be different if my attacker had been a family member with whom I had an ongoing relationship. :(

Philosophically I believe forgiveness does NOT mean having to let that person have "access" to me again - there would NEED to be genuine REPENTANCE from them to make that even possible - but I can still "release" them from MY overwhelming desire for punishment/retribution, etc. That frees ME ... but I don't say any of this with the suggestion that such a thing is easy.... *hugs* if you accept them!

I hope you find this forum and the many GOOD people here of great support and practical encouragement!

~S2B

 

[SnowBirch22]

Greetings @SnowBirch22 .. welcome! I am here on the forum primarily as a "suppo...

Thank you for your kind words. My experience with these flashbacks are very similar to yours. Because it's so vague & almost third person it makes me doubt my own memory at times. In my heart & my gut I know I was raped by my dad. I don't have any kind of relationship with my parents & they're somewhere else now. I think you're incredible for being able to "forgive". I'm not there yet I'm afraid. But it helps to know I'm not alone & my fragmented memory & feelings aren't unusual. But it also makes me sad that it means others feel this way too because it's so difficult to deal with & hard to bottle up. The flashbacks creep up on me if someone touches me on the shoulder, or comes up behind me. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's wonderful that you found peace in time. I accept hugs & send some back your way from me & my myriad of awesome pets. They always cheer me up when it gets tough.

 

[ghotiff]

Because it's so vague & almost third person it makes me doubt my own memory at times

Me too. I have "evidence" etc which I remind myself of but some days I feel a nagging sense of doubt. Sometimes I wonder if it's just self protective denial.

 

[SnowBirch22]

Me too. I have "evidence" etc which I remind myself of but some days I feel a nagging sense of doubt. So...

I know what you mean. It's a bit like you want to hold onto the possibility that it may not be real after all just to take the edge off the weight of it all.

 

[Ladybug hugs]

This thread is proving to be so helpful in the sense that I am realizing that I'm not crazy or going crazy. Two weeks ago I was certain I must be close to losing it. Everyone is speaking the things I've been going through and have sent me back to my T. I don't share much of my life honestly because I'm afraid of who might see it. I was in a very depressed state when I search for PTSD support groups or sites I could be a part of. That's when I found this site. I saw some others but they seemed more along the lines of a place to stay down in the dumps. This site so far has been so positive, and helpful in many ways I'm sure. I hope to overcome my fear of sharing (in part) some day. For right now I'm doing a little reading here and there and being careful to not read certain things that will trigger me. I used to be obsessed with watching documentaries on child abuse and always questioned why?! I would always feel so awful afterwards and go into a depression but I couldn't stop. Then a couple weeks ago it all came to me in a flash. I was one of those children! Even though I never saw myself as a child it hit me so hard I really was a child at one time. So I told my T and asked I don't understand why I would always want to watch them, but now I can't even think to do so. She said I was trying to understand what I went through and it brings me to tears even now. To think of the things I went through that I remember and how I pray I don't remember the other parts. I just don't want to or see why I should have to. What my father did to us all no human should ever go through even a portion of it. One day I was in my twenties and I actually went to his house and told him I forgive him for everything he did to us and he started to try and make me fear him an call me a whore at 5 yrs old and under?! That's when I said I'm not afraid of you any more, and he said I know. I didn't know what was going to happen but I had to do it to take my power back. However now that I'm in my 40s and all this is happening to me I feel like I hate his guts! But I can't allow my thoughts to stay there because it will go to an ugly place I don't have the luxury of having. I just want to feel back to myself again when I was at least functional. I'm sorry if I shouldn't say all this here and was supposed to start a new thread but if I stopped myself it would've never happened again. :( I'm trying to end this in a positive so.... I'll share that I have two dogs, fish, and a couple birds that bring me so much happiness and laughs. Thanks for being there all of you, and for this thread Snowbirch.

 

[SnowBirch22]

This thread is proving to be so helpful in the sense that I am realizing that I'm not crazy or goin...

What helps me rationalise the dynamic of it all is the fact that rape & molestation is all about control. You showed you weren't scared of him anymore & put him on the spot about what he did. You made him feel small & not in control anymore. So he tried to degrade you in the most foul way possible. You're very brave for standing up to him for what he did to you. Don't read into his reaction too much. He felt threatened & you cornered him emotionally. You got your control back in that situation. As for hatred. Don't fight those feelings. Accept & allow yourself to feel how you do. And don't turn your rage inward. Try using it. Exercise is great, depending on what kind, you can channel the rage sometimes to your advantage. But it's a slow process. I have anger problems. I notice I get very angry when I see anything on TV or social media etc. about sexual violence & just before a flashback. Your father is a monster. But he's only as big & scary as you let him be. I find that I think of mine as the big, scary man he used to be from a child's perspective. Try to think of him from the perspective of you right now rather than "back then". Or even imagine what you'd think of him if someone else described a situation like that to you.

 

[SnowBirch22]

P.S. I have 3 dogs, 4 cats (not including the visiting ones from the area), 4 pet rats & a fish tank. I'm hugging my staffy as we speak. :-)

 

[Ladybug hugs]

What helps me rationalise the dynamic of it all is the fact that rape & molestation is all about con...

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I see what you're saying that's so true. I do t like to call him my father or dad honestly it makes me cringe. I actually named him nefarious, as that's all he deserves if anything to be called. you know after reading and sharing on this thread I realize I do have awful feelings in my private area. I sometimes change my underwear like 5 times a day, and have a disgusting feeling like I'm dirty. see its stuff like that, that I'm learning is because of everything I went through. When I was little I used to do things that could have harmed me really bad down there but I didn't know I don't even know why I would think to do that but I do now. I'm so hurt right now and need to go smell my dogs. And watch some goofy comedy or something. Take care new friend/friends I need a break. I can't believe I shared as much as I did. Sending love and that which makes you happy.