General Sad To Angry - Insight From Sufferers Gratefully Accepted

[Sighs]

So things have been rough lately.

He lost his temper again. Smashed stuff again. I'd had enough and told him so. He broke down and sobbed in my arms which he has never done before. He said the only way he can stop feeling sad is to feel angry. He feels he can only be sad when he is alone. He says he can feel it switch from sad to angry as I pull into the driveway.

His ex-wife did not cope with him being sad. He says he was collapsed on the floor sobbing and she stepped over him and said "I don't have time for this. I'm going out. I want my strong soldier back." I think that's why he feels he can't show sadness in front of me.

Any thoughts on how he can feel something other than anger when he is with me? Any thoughts on how to ground him when he is having an amygdala hijack?

 

[scout86]

That fact that he told you all that is impressive. If I were him, I'd be pretty amazed to find that the world didn't come to an end as a result. (I'm totally, 100%, literally, serious when I say that.) If having that conversation wasn't the end of the world, it would give me hope and I might be willing to try "honesty" again. But, if a deal like that blew up in my face, I wouldn't try it again. At least not for a LONG time.

Any thoughts on how to ground him when he is having an amygdala hijack?

How aware is he of this concept? Because you MIGHT ask him that, in a calm moment. Come up with a plan. The 2 of you. As a team. Sometimes, if you're THAT angry, having a designated safe thing to pound out helps. (Punching bags are good for that.) Personally, I like the idea of both of you, together, as equal partners who respect each other, coming up plan. There's something pretty cool about being able to believe that your partner has your back.

 

[Sighs]

I held him while he sobbed and he told me what an awful human being he is and how I'd be better off without him and I explained to him what an amygdala hijack was. His doctors have never explained the biology of it before, although they've told him that rage episodes are normal for combat PTSD sufferers. We didn't actually come up with a plan - it was about 2am - but we talked about doing that at some point.

I suggested trying some kind of code word - like hijack or lizard - which I could say to him which might make him aware of what is happening. I don't know if that would just rile him up more in the moment. I've heard the term 'redirection' but I have no idea how to do that.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @Sighs. Really sorry you had a crap night - sending hugs if you want them.

I'm with @scout86 on this one - the very fact that he has been so honest with you is incredible, and I think it's a good sign. God, I think I would be over the moon if my guy opened up to me like that. And actually allowing himself to be so vulnerable with you that he cried? Wow. Maybe this is a breakthrough for you both?

I can't help but admire your strength and commitment to your man. And you're both still there in the relationship, trying to make it work - that in itself is a very positive thing. I do hope it gets better from here.

 

[Sighs]

@FridayJones - sorry to call you out personally - again! But if/when you are able to I would love your thoughts on this one.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, his ex-wife sounds horrible. I'm impressed with your ability to be safe enough to him for him to fall apart in your arms. How are you feeling and doing with it all? As you help him, don't forget to keep taking care of you. I'm glad you are reaching out for support here.

When my amygdala is hijacked (great term) and I'm in an angry state, it helps to do anything grounding and calming. His anger is really a fight or flight state - heavy on the fight in his case - which is fueled by fear and grief from the trauma.

Anything that lowers the overall activation, and empties the stress cup, will help me get in touch with what is behind it. Things like running around the block, 4 square breathing, breathing deep with someone else, writing, holding ice, and generally feeling safer in the world helps.

I've been told things even like screaming into a pillow, throwing marshmallows at the wall, and punching bags can be great forms of redirection.

How to do it? Practice. He has to practice. A lot. He had to practice when he feels no anger and when he feels only a little frustrated, and then it will be assemble for him to use those kinds of skills in an angry moment.

What can you do to help? That's a tough question. For me, when I'm in a strong fight or flight state, it doesn't helps to have someone try to rationally talk me out of whatever I'm in a panic or angry state about. The activation levels have to be lowered first. My therapist once said, "I hear you. If you take a moment to lower your activation, then I can talk to you more about this. Let's breath together for a moment:" It helped: a family member has said something similar and that helped too.

You may have to talk together a bit to figure out if there are any words you can say, perhaps some way to let him know it's time to take a time out, without feeling dismissed or ignored, so that the problem can be addressed more effectively.

 

[Sighs]

Thank you @Justmehere. I know I use breathing exercises to try and reduce my anxiety and emotional responses to him when he is in a rage. Maybe together we can work on breathing exercises. I've been trying to drag him to yoga for a while now. Maybe time to ask him again to give it a go.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I feel for him. He needs serious anger management therapy and stabilizing medication. Just be aware of his triggers, and keep your distance if and when it happens, for your own protection. Remember that he isn't fully in control of his own mind when he has those attacks. Until he can improve, make your boundaries kind but clear to him, and remove yourself from the dangerous situation if you need to, for your own safety.

 

[Sighs]

I'm hoping that he now realises that I don't blame him for the rage or for the sadness and he might be willing to talk about and try strategies to manage it better.

 

[Justmehere]

The stronger your boundaries are around the behavior, the more it may motivate him to get help and learn some new ways to cope.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hmmm... What about getting him a heavy bag in the garage so he can go out there and wear himself out?

Just thinking of that infantry frame of mind... He may not be keen on mediation or yoga, but punching it out alone may be up his alley. Maybe even setting some time aside every day to go out and take out his frustrations, like right before you get home from work if that's when he feels everything shift to anger to hide his sadness.

It could be cathartic.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Hmmm... What about getting him a heavy bag in the garage so he can go out there and wear himself out?...

I am a trained boxer, and have a heavy bag. It is definitely great for stress relief, yes. Mine is worn totally out. lol