Bernie1971
New Here
I'm 42 years old turning 43 in November. I've been living with chronic PTSD for years. There are only 2 people in this world that know my story [ my fiance' & aunt ]. My fiance' knows every grimy detail as he has been a victim of my illness. My aunt knows alot, but not everything. I am only doing an introduction for now as I will fill in the details later. Way too much all at once. I was born to a mother who didn't love me or want me. From as young as I could remember [ still in the crib] , I got beat by her, thrown into walls, burned with cigarettes, choked, etc... She was and still is an alcoholic and used drugs. The drugs that I knew of were coke and heroin. She has told me as a child on several occacsions that she wished I was never born and that she should have had an abortion. I NEVER EVER heard the words I LOVE YOU from her. I never got tucked into bed at night. She hated my existence. While this was happening I was bullied & tortured in school & by neighborhood kids. I didnt know how to stick up for myself and when I came home crying, I got beat up by her because I let the kids beat me up. Also during this time which is my entire childhood, I was being molested at least once a week by my 2nd cousin [ grown man - older than my mother]. He started molesting me from as young as I can remember [ toddler ]. There is way more detail on that which I'll talk about later. When I was 14 years old I met the Devil himself. I thought he was cute and he showed me attention. 2 weeks of dating he backhanded me for the first time.
I’ve been hit by my mother my whole life, but the power and strength of his hand was something ive never felt before. I was immediately petrified. He ignored me for a while after he did it, but then came to me apologizing and promising that he would never do it again and that he loved me.
I’ve been hit by my mother my whole life, but the power and strength of his hand was something ive never felt before. I was immediately petrified. He ignored me for a while after he did it, but then came to me apologizing and promising that he would never do it again and that he loved me.
Not only did he do that again, but it was everyday and way worse. I’ve had busted lips, black eyes, welts on my head like baseballs, welts and bruises all over my body. He went from backhanding to full fledge punching and kicking and using objects to beat me. He also violently raped and sodimized me for 13 years. During that time , there was a time where he imprisoned me and I was nothing but a sex toy slave . I thought I was going to lose my mind. I would pray for it to either stop or for him to just kill me. I didn’t mention that when I was 16 , I had his son. As far as I knew, he didn’t beat him [ I’m pretty sure, but not 100% ] , But, he did try to kill him when he was only 4 months old. I had to fight to almost my death to stop him from killing him. I was so petrified of this man- that he was going to kill me. I was so afraid to leave him. I have made a few failed attempts [ something I will talk about later ] only to end up right back. In the end [ around the time I made the final Successful attempt], He had made it clear to me that he was going to kill me and that he was going to shoot me with his rifel and bury me in this old abandoned camp that was miles into the woods behind his fathers house. Speaking of his father [ I call him the old man ], his father also physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me. I lived there with them and had no escape. He too was an alcoholic. I was also emotionally abused by one of his sisters who tortured and threatened me. By the way while I was pregnant with our son we were living with my mother. He was an alcoholic/drug addict. I know that he did coke and crack. My mother and him partied together and had sex. I caught them. He denied it at first , but then came clean. My mother till this day still denies it. I saw it with my own eyes through the window, but she says Im lying. I finally got away from him in 1998 around Halloween. I started having flashbacks about a year later and acting out in violent outbursts. I was angry all of the time- depressed, anxiety, crying all of the time and I started to hate myself. I have never ever had help in fear of being put on drugs. I have never been on any drugs nor am I an alcoholic [ very strange because I feel as if I should have ]. I was also scared to talk to anyone and didn’t trust anyone. I became extremely isolated. Although I have never had therapy or help of any kind, I have gotten passed [ or controlled] a lot of my anger issues [ not all ] - meaning that I’m not having as many outbursts as in the past. I still cry , get depressed, and have anxiety. There are so many triggers, that I never know what kind of day Im going to have. Well, im getting tired of typing now and I actually having a panic attack right now. There are so many holes in my story and so much more to talk about. I have never talked with anyone else who has been through this and that could possibly understand. I would very much like to connect with another female that can relate to my story . I feel so alone with this!!!!
Thanks for taking the time to read this and please feel free to respond .
I’ve been hit by my mother my whole life, but the power and strength of his hand was something ive never felt before. I was immediately petrified. He ignored me for a while after he did it, but then came to me apologizing and promising that he would never do it again and that he loved me.
I’ve been hit by my mother my whole life, but the power and strength of his hand was something ive never felt before. I was immediately petrified. He ignored me for a while after he did it, but then came to me apologizing and promising that he would never do it again and that he loved me.
Not only did he do that again, but it was everyday and way worse. I’ve had busted lips, black eyes, welts on my head like baseballs, welts and bruises all over my body. He went from backhanding to full fledge punching and kicking and using objects to beat me. He also violently raped and sodimized me for 13 years. During that time , there was a time where he imprisoned me and I was nothing but a sex toy slave . I thought I was going to lose my mind. I would pray for it to either stop or for him to just kill me. I didn’t mention that when I was 16 , I had his son. As far as I knew, he didn’t beat him [ I’m pretty sure, but not 100% ] , But, he did try to kill him when he was only 4 months old. I had to fight to almost my death to stop him from killing him. I was so petrified of this man- that he was going to kill me. I was so afraid to leave him. I have made a few failed attempts [ something I will talk about later ] only to end up right back. In the end [ around the time I made the final Successful attempt], He had made it clear to me that he was going to kill me and that he was going to shoot me with his rifel and bury me in this old abandoned camp that was miles into the woods behind his fathers house. Speaking of his father [ I call him the old man ], his father also physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me. I lived there with them and had no escape. He too was an alcoholic. I was also emotionally abused by one of his sisters who tortured and threatened me. By the way while I was pregnant with our son we were living with my mother. He was an alcoholic/drug addict. I know that he did coke and crack. My mother and him partied together and had sex. I caught them. He denied it at first , but then came clean. My mother till this day still denies it. I saw it with my own eyes through the window, but she says Im lying. I finally got away from him in 1998 around Halloween. I started having flashbacks about a year later and acting out in violent outbursts. I was angry all of the time- depressed, anxiety, crying all of the time and I started to hate myself. I have never ever had help in fear of being put on drugs. I have never been on any drugs nor am I an alcoholic [ very strange because I feel as if I should have ]. I was also scared to talk to anyone and didn’t trust anyone. I became extremely isolated. Although I have never had therapy or help of any kind, I have gotten passed [ or controlled] a lot of my anger issues [ not all ] - meaning that I’m not having as many outbursts as in the past. I still cry , get depressed, and have anxiety. There are so many triggers, that I never know what kind of day Im going to have. Well, im getting tired of typing now and I actually having a panic attack right now. There are so many holes in my story and so much more to talk about. I have never talked with anyone else who has been through this and that could possibly understand. I would very much like to connect with another female that can relate to my story . I feel so alone with this!!!!
Thanks for taking the time to read this and please feel free to respond .
