Childhood Interesting Take On Avoidant Attachments

[Chava]

For the life of me, I can't seem to get interested in working on relationships (and when I do, rarely, it is painful and exhausting). Aside from the traumas, I know my primary caregiver had no interest in knowing me. I was an empty shell at best, target at worst. So if anything, I was just bad. Anyway, I like this take on the avoidant styles of attachment...that we were not "known" by our caregivers. So, I exist only to myself and I'm pretty f*cking good at isolating.

Tiny clip:

 

[Kintsugi]

That hit uncomfortably close to home.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Fadeaway]

The first part hit close to home for me as well, but I am not sure I understand what he was talking about near the end of the video. It could be that I am just exhausted, but I felt like I was missing something, despite playing the end of the video a couple times. What world?

 

[Kintsugi]

@Fadeaway the internal world of thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, and fears.

 

[Chava]

Yes, @Fadeaway it got a little ??? (and not like anything I'd typically relate to avoidant attachment stuff). But I do relate to being geared toward purely physical world of doing and focusing on what is happening around me, vs my inner world (or even having such a place) and the world of just being. Years ago I did some grad work that involved looking more into my inner world experience some and I was completely baffled. I had a lot I could say for myself outwardly, but was reminded how much I felt like an empty shell. That is roughly how I understood this. But it was a little confusing toward the end, yes.

Mainly I relate to the part about not being known, and how that creates a sense of non-being....and it would relate to avoidance in not being expected to be known, or be interesting or worthwhile knowing...to anyone. I don't even feel like I have many fears around relationships, I just flat out am not drawn into them. I have no expectations.

 

[RussH]

I think at some point we ask ourselves if relationships are worth it? Relationships can be, are frequently are messy. When we choose to enter into a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, we open ourselves; make ourselves vulnerable to others, and that opens the door to being hurt. So we start to avoid relationships, or in my case, we have trouble developing relationships.

I struggle at making the kind of friendships that have any depth beyond casual, and I don't know why. When I go to social functions I find myself isolating from the others, and not participating in the activities. I know that part of it is these false thoughts that they don't want me around anyway, but the fact remains that I tend to isolate myself from others.

On my days off I tend to stay in the house and not go out, other than the store, and spend the day alone.
So yes I isolate, in part to protect myself from additional trauma, but also because of these negative feelings that others don't want me around. Stinks doesn't it?

 

[Chava]

Yes, I relate to a lot of that @RussH . I think there is sort of a combination of reasons, both trauma and not trauma-related, but it is sort of a cycle where I simply am more comfortable being alone (also just plain introverted, but my general avoidance of close connection is pretty longstanding and major).

 

[watundah]

Yes, @Fadeaway But I do relate to being geared toward purely physical world of doing and focusing on what is happening around me, vs my inner world (or even having such a place) and the world of just being..

Im with ya sister. My therapist started bringing up the concepts of "inner and outer" a couple of years ago, and I was basically "huh?" It's now, finally, starting to slowly click. Meditation and yoga are helping bring the focus inward. It is so tough to not be outwardly focused because that is the auto-pilot mode that we've relied upon for decades. It takes an absolute effort to snag a glimpse of inward and hanging on to it and making it part of every day living is going to take a long time, methinks.

 

[ghotiff]

With childhood sexual abuse, the perp does not (can not?) see the child's inner self, the child is purely a physical object to use. The child's inner state is irrelevant which ties into his comments that the child's inner world is not "real" (ie not valid).

Just thoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think all sexual abuse or maybe most abuse is viewed by an abuser much that way. Well, one can't say 'always' but I think the violent stuff is.

 

[Chava]

The child's inner state is irrelevant which ties into his comments that the child's inner world is not "real" (ie not valid).

yes...made a void...and I think partly why it's so hard to really process this stuff. You can have a memory, but not be able to have the feelings connected to it because they were all voided at the time too...so some of it becomes a blank with the pain disconnected and spilling out in all kinds of weird directions

(experienced certainly in sexual abuse/assault but also physical abuse too...and terrorizing, such as screaming and breaking things and needing to be still and take in the show because it was my fault)

 

[RussH]

sexual abusers do not view their victims and persons, but objects to use for their pleasure. it is one of the worst forms of dehumanizing that can perpetrated on a person. The abuser does not care about the person inside (inner child) the object (outer child) they want to molest. They only care about pleasuring themselves.