Relationship Question To All The Ladies With A Partner Struggling With Cptsd

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I think my vowel right now is O... get it? "oh" lol feeling a bit silly tonight.

 

[HurtinginMI]

Hi there,

I have been struggling with CPTSD since early childhood. I have a few questions to all t...

I knew my hubby in high school as e were in the same friendship circle. Long story short I was with a boy in that circle. That turned abusive relationship before he returned home. He caught wind and helped me leave him. Accidentally we fell in love. I Never had romantic interest until he returned home for good. We were together for 5 years (6 months married) when he came out with the PTSD. He hid it quite well until then. Once it was our emotions were high. I didn't know how to deal. He came out in January. By that Christmas I almost had a nervous breakdown. How did the man I loved turn into the hulk? He was like jackyl and Hyde. I didn't know what to do. I would say my love hasn't decreased but my list and emotional attachment has. How do you stay romantic and not get fearful when you don't know when he will explode. I'm an emotional person as I was abused as a child. It doesn't take much to get me off kilter and crying. To say it's been hard is an understatement. My mother is on her 3rd marriage yet I believe cows are forever. I question whether or not to have children and if our children will be safe. We were talking about having kids but tonight was another bad night. He spanks the dogs when he's mad. How do I not think he will do the same with our previous bundle. He has never hit me but his anger is enough. He's an amazing man when he's in a good mood. That's the man I married. How do I draw the line between PTSD and being in an emotionally abusuve relationship?

 

[alienamongus]

Hi there,

In my opinion, PTSD is NEVER an excuse to be violent or abusive towards others. If you are walking on egg shells because you fear his temper and if you already see signs of physical abuse (towards your dogs) then it sounds to me that you are already in an abusive relationship and you should bail as soon as possible....

It is extremely difficult to hide PTSD because the greatest majority of sufferers have a very hard time controlling all of emotions. So I don't see how he could hide it for 5 years and only 6 months into the marriage it magically shows up...how convenient eh... I have a feeling he's using PTSD as an escape goat for him being abusive....

Was he diagnosed with PTSD by a professional or was it self-diagnosed? I ask this because from your post I see signs of sadistic behavior in hitting your dogs which is contrary to PTSD and there is no mention of any triggers which is also contrary to PTSD. It's only triggers that sets us off (like loud noises, public places, people with traits/personalities similar to our previous abusers, etc...) What type of PTSD does he have?

As a complex PTSD sufferer (but I believe it is also true to all other kinds of PTSD) we tend to be hyper-sensitive to the suffering of others and tend to be over-protective of the ones we love, and those who are helpless and weak. So by hitting a helpless dog, it is contrary to what a typical PTSD sufferer would do. A PTSD sufferer would never hurt or abuse his children, because he's over-protective of them. So for you to worry or see signs that cause you to worry about this aspect is also contrary to a PTSD sufferer. We often take our anger on ourselves, not others... I don't remember a single instant where I was abusive in any of my previous relationships.

Anyways, I think you should bail... but that's just my opinion....

 

[Jen Cordiner]

can I just say thank you for posting these questions and to everyone that answered so eloquently. You've all taken great time and thought to ask the question and to answer.

I think it's easy to sway between being supportive and wanting out of a relationship when your partner has PTSD.

The roller coaster of emotions and reactions you can experience on a daily basis can swing to the extreme.

One minute you can be on a high and the lows come very suddenly.

I find it hard to make decisions about the future based on the fact that on one hand my partner can be the most loving partner/father then in a second come crashing down when triggered.

you guys are incredible support and really do help with sharing your experiences. It's a constant learning process for supporters and sufferers alike and this forum is really fantastic. Thank you all from the heart. X

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

can I just say thank you for posting these questions and to everyone that answered so eloquently. You've all taken...

I understand what you mean about the roller coaster, but what I want to understand is what you mean by "It's easy to sway between being supportive and wanting out of a relationship." Are you saying you actually think you want to leave your partner or that you just get so exasperated that you think about how much easier it would be to not have to deal with the PTSD. I know I'm still new but I can't imagine that I will ever want to leave my partner. I think that just like they "take breaks" so to speak, it is ok for us, Supporters, to do so as well. Maybe when you get to that point it is a sign to take a step back and put your needs first. I've been on my rollercoaster since last night and maybe for no reason. It seems that he's doing better than I am right now. Go figure. I just want to further understand your state of mind when you say that. What is going through your head if you don't mind sharing.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

@allenamongus

During the "other self" state alot of things happen in the sufferers brain and it may differ from one person to another depending on their traumas. I am not sure what type of trauma your partner had or at what age but as an example, for me since I had CPTSD since early childhood I have developed what my psychiatrist called a "dissociative state" where another person takes over. There is me (the abused, the helpless, the weak, the filth, the dirt, the worm) and there is him (a higher being, the protector, the ruthless, the angry, the powerful, the indestructible). This other "he" is a self defense mechanism by the brain due to the helplessness of early childhood. The problem is that although this "he" was developed to protect the child it eventually becomes in constant conflict with the weak me.

Most of the time this "he" is dormant hardly talking to the weak me. Until a trigger occurs and "he" takes over. When "he" take over, "he" can inflict punishment on the weak me. In my case it is often by cutting, self-mutilation etc... This punishment could be for many reasons but generally for allowing the trigger to happen in the first place. For example, if it is a rejection of some sort the "he" would say to the weak me "how dare you demean me in such a way. How dare you allow this insignificant creature to control my fate. After all I've done for you? You are a weak insect and without me you would have been dead long ago." this dialogue it obviously not word for word but you get the idea. Then "he" inflicts his punishment on the weak me.

My ex-husband is in a program for complex PTSD due to childhood trauma. His mother was emotionally and physically abandoning, and then basically anyone else who cared for him abused him in some way. He has major trust issues and abandonment issues.

He left me suddenly over a year ago, and when he made that decision, we fell apart and cried for a couple of days straight... and then his personality completely changed. He's been hardly recognizable for about 18 months.

I don't think he punishes himself, but rather his punishment has been aimed at me when he gets angry... even though he left me and refuses to talk to me about "us" (I've given up), he seems to get a sense of rejection from me, and then he gets angry and mean for a few days...... then comes around, wants to chat, wants to be my friend.... and the cycle continues.

Can the "other self" continue to be for this long? To me he's just been trying to become someone else, somewhere else....

 

[alienamongus]

@allenamongus



My ex-husband is in a program for complex PTSD due to childhood trauma. His...

Hi there,

First of all, from the posts, I am amazed that so many ladies out there are willing and trying hard to make it work with their PTSD partner. To love them despite their "demons" is something I thought was unimaginable before joining this forum. From the bottom of my heart and on behalf of all the PTSD sufferers, I humbly thank you.... you have given me a very thin thread of hope....

Now to answer your question. No, I personally don't think that a sufferer would be in his "other state" for 18 months continuously. Usually triggers and stressors is what sets us off. I can't conceive how can a trigger last for 18 months continuously.

You have to realize since the traumas occurred since early childhood, both the "other self" and the "weak me" states become intertwined and part of the sufferer's personality. Both are in constant conflict with each other. The "other self" wants to decimate the "weak me". When the sufferer is threatened or triggered, the "other self" takes over, you feel powerful, indestructible, you are numb to all emotions, and can't be hurt. I describe it as being transformed into a higher being as I literally feel like I am transforming into something else. I remember when I was a kid and was having one of those episodes, I went as far as trying, unsuccessfully thanks to God, to castrate myself. My "other self" didn't want to identify with being human and is neither man nor woman.

You can obviously get a sense by how severe this can be. The torment and torture the sufferer struggle with and the constant internal fighting and struggle is truly unimaginable to normal people and is EXTREMELY exhausting. So I can't see how can a person be in this "other state" for such a very long period of time.

Also, I have to note that I strongly believe that people with complex PTSD since childhood have one thing in common and that's an extremely low self image. We feel like we're dirt 99.9% of the time. So we (or rather our "other selves") punish our selves because we feel unworthy. We don't take our punishment on others especially the ones we love. When we isolate, it's because we don't want our loved ones to see us in out "other state". We are protecting them. So I find it peculiar when you say he doesn't punish himself but takes it out on you.

Also, I don't believe being emotionally and physically abandoning by his mother is enough cause for him to develop complex PTSD....especially for a guy. As an example, I have been the victim of severe torture, physical and emotional abuse by my father that I had to wear an eye-patch on my left eye because I was temporarily blind cause he punched me so hard. I used to cover the cuts in my arms and body before going to school because he used to beat me with a stick so hard until I bleed. My skull is deformed because of him beating on my head repeatedly with his knuckles. He used to tie my feet up and hang me upside down. To make things even worse, I was also repeatedly sexually abused at my school for as long as 2 years, but I said nothing because I was afraid of my father and didn't trust my mother fearing she'd tell him. I lived in fear 24/7 all of my childhood and suffered in silence. That's complex PTSD. I can't imagine inflicting any of this pain on anyone especially those I love because I know what it feels like.

Bottom line is that if you feel threatened or abused in a relationship (REGARDLESS if it is because of his PTSD or not) then you MUST get out of the relationship ASAP.

I personally don't think we are meant to be with or around people....

 

[Sweetpea76]

what I want to understand is what you mean by "It's easy to sway between being supportive and wanting out of a relationship." Are you saying you actually think you want to leave your partner or that you just get so exasperated that you think about how much easier it would be to not have to deal with the PTSD. I know I'm still new but I can't imagine that I will ever want to leave my partner.

It's probably a little of both, and I'd be willing to bet that this thought has crossed the mind of just about every single supporter on this site at one point in time or another. Early on, it's a honeymoon, but that first real episode usually knocks you for a loop.

Unfortunately, being the person closest to them, supporters often get the brunt of any kind of negative reaction... lashing out behaviors (especially with combat vets), the push-pull (ie breaking up and coming back repeatedly), emotional numbing (lack of love, affection, and intimacy). These are just a few "typical" (if there is such a thing as typical) things you may have to deal with when your sufferer is symptomatic. There are also times when your sufferer may refuse treatment or have a med change that knocks them for a loop. Some self medicate with substances. It can be very emotionally exhausting, and it doesn't matter sometimes how much you love them and want to fight for them... you will more than likely question your relationship.

Does it mean they are awful people and nobody should be in a relationship with them? Absolutely, unequivocally not. It just means that the going gets tough sometimes, and you have to be realistic and make sure the relationship stays healthy. If it isn't healthy for both of you, then it needs to end.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

@allenamongus

I'm so sorry you had to endure such horrendous torture during your childhood.

I didn't add any gory details about my ex-spouse because I know it can be a trigger, but while his mother was gone, she left him with family and friends. His uncle beat him, burned him with cigarettes and screamed at him. His other aunt abd boyfriend treated him the same abd openly watched pornography in his presence. And older teenager/family friend (male) started having sex with him when he was four. And his teenage female cousins and friends of family were forcing him to perform sexual acts and have sex at 7. He's just started writing his testimony and is still remembering, but the possibility for conplex trauma is there.

Thanks for your response. I have often thought I triggered him, abd that's why I get the mean version of him. it's frustrating for me because I know he has a loving side and will stilk tell me often that I remain on top of his universe.

He was much more unstable and emotional before meds, and became very cold and flat once medicated.... apparently he's functioning better without anxiety.

Anyway, thanks again.

 

[alienamongus]

@allenamongus

I'm so sorry you had to endure such horrendous torture during your childhood....

Hi there,

Thank you for clarifying the situation I now have a clearer picture. I am so sorry he had to go through this. The stuff he went through would DEFINITELY cause him to develop complex PTSD.

Yes medication tends to level up our highs and lows. So our anger is reduced but it also means we're less loving. Also remember that the greatest majority of this medication has sexual side effects and reduces our sexual desire which makes us even less affectionate. In other words, the medication makes us more or less numb emotionally but I think that's better than our lashing out or being angry all the time. I almost lost two jobs because of the aftermath of my triggers which include uncontrollable anger.

If he lashes out on you, then it is most likely because you are doing something that's triggering for him. It could be very subtle though like you having some personality or physical traits that's similar to his abusers and he's subconsciously triggered when he's around you. Obviously, there is nothing you can do about that and it is not your fault. But it also means you are not suitable for each other.

The going back and forth in the relationship is very typical because, as I mentioned earlier, we are in constant internal struggle between wanting to be alone to "reboot" and craving being loved, touched and hugged by someone.

In the end, this is really his battle not yours and it is not your job to fix him as I personally don't think we're fixable... you may sympathize with us or feel sorry for us but it's not your job to bear our burden. If he's being abusive during his lashing out moments then you MUST get out of the relationship....

Anyways, I hope I answered your questions fully. I wish you nothing but happiness :-)

 

[Chava]

I appreciate reaching out and attempting to educate, but I find some of the blanket statements and "always" and "never" statements to be a little awkward, along with talking about CPTSD sufferers as "we" (so these statements apply to all of us), vs using just your own experience. I understand it is to sort of educate, but then generals and less black and white might fit better?

CPTSD sufferers are often supportive, caring, compassionate and reliable.

I'm often none of this. Though I'd say I'm friendly, and if I happen to be close to anyone at all, empathetic.

A PTSD sufferer would never hurt or abuse his children, because he's over-protective of them

Just not true. You would never hurt your children, I would never hurt my children, but people with PTSD can also be abusers (happened in my family and happens all over). But it's fair to say that most of us don't become abusers, because I think that is statistically correct. But, some of us do.

I don't believe being emotionally and physically abandoning by his mother is enough cause for him to develop complex PTSD....especially for a guy.

This is a big statement. I don't know if this could constitute CPTSD either, but it likely connects to undiagnosed attachment problems (emotional and physical abandonment absolutely can have this effect on a baby)...attachment issues can look like CPTSD or personality disorder features. Anyway, I especially don't understand the "for a guy" part. Do boy babies need less love and nurturance because they are boys? No. Boy babies depend on their mother and need love the same way girl babies do. They aren't somehow tougher and need less love and care when they are tiny and helpless.

 

[Chava]

As for this...

I have often thought I triggered him, abd that's why I get the mean version of him.

I know I didn't trigger anyone to abuse or assault me. It was all on them. Consider that he might be raging and not know how to deal with it, so it simply gets directed at you. I didn't "trigger" my parents to hit me (believe, I walked on eggshells and one of them still had their rages). I didn't "trigger" someone to sexually assault me. If your guy is hurting you or an asshole, that's on him. It's only on you to have boundaries or get away.

He was much more unstable and emotional before meds, and became very cold and flat once medicated

Could this be the major change you were talking about? Meds can easily numb some of us out. The tricky part about PTSD is that we have lost a set-point where the nervous system is balance. The nature of trauma's effect on the nervous system is that we are either over-aroused (anxious, angry, hyper, raging, panicking) or, on the flip side, numb or shutdown or dissociated. And cold or void of feeling. Basically, the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight energy) and parasympathetic nervous system (calming) do not do their thing to restore homeostasis well. Medications that address the hyper-arousal can help some people find balance, but too often I've found I dip right into that numb place because my body doesn't know how to do balance. If I feel "calm" I actually feel threatened. I am hard-wired to not let down my guard....happens only if I'm drunk, somewhat dissociative, or otherwise numbed out. My body will manage a little dose of numbing medication by just shutting down and becoming zombie like (I have found meds that work better for me, but trauma therapy is most helpful for slowly working towards a bit more balance regulation of the nervous system). On the outside, for some people these changes can make them seem radically different.