Help Me Rationalize This Horrific Life.

[Footsie1980]

My family was in danger, I did some horribly violent things to protect and help them. It was my decision to do these things, not my husbands or daughters, but I was protecting my family. Im having serious trouble accepting the things that I did. I hurt other people and took away thier ability to have a good life, even though they were trying to hurt my family, I still am having trouble accepting what I did.

Everyday I struggle to get out of bed, I live in constant guilt and fear. I have nightmares and flashbacks, just about daily. Im irritable, egdy, upset, my husband will do or say something small and it shouldnt affect me, but I literally will have a panic attack and cry, complain, yell, fight, for hours and I have great difficulty stopping myself.

I realize that I need help, I fully admit the things that I do and that im going through. I have tried to talk to my husband about me but he tells me that im weak and should just forget it. Which makes us fight and leads me to a panic attack.

This has been going on for a year now, I asked my husband to go to counseling with me, he said he doesnt think it will help and that I am crazy and nothing can help me. He has told me he hates me, he wants nothing to do with me and that ive ruined his life, then later will come back and say he was just angry when he said that.

Well today, we fought, he told me he was done with me and wanted a divorce and then he went out and called a friend and accepted a job 9 hours away.

On one hand, I need to work on me and he sure isnt helping but on the other hand he is literally the only person im comfortable talking to in detail and hes my husband, we are supposed to help eachother.

I helped him by saving his life when I did what I did, at the time, he was happy I was doing it. Now, he doesnt want to be around to help me and hes moving away and leaving me to figure out how to fix myself and raise our daughter alone.

How can I either stop this nasty cycle or just accept it?

 

[Ronin]

I found breaking it down to the basics:

What part of the act & for what reasons you're feeling guilty?

And looking for thoughts that may minimize that guilt, to the point it won't be a ruling emotion.

You did a lot more in all of those times than what you're thinking about; and on top of that you accomplished your goals, protecting yourself & yours. That deserves lot more commendation than you've probably received.

If your husband's life's sense of well being depends on how well he understands what you're going through, he seriously needs to evaluate his priorities & reprioritize.

(You're not crazy, there is a lot of help available, and he should shove this abusive nonsense instead of spewing it at you.)

You are not a worse person just because he chooses to see you that way. That is his perception, skewed as they come, not your reality or 'truth about you'.

You weren't a monster then, and you aren't one now.

 

[Justmehere]

You talk about trying to get him going to therapy, and everything you did to help other people (and what you say is harm to them too.)

What about doing therapy for yourself? A place where you can talk about these things for yourself? Perhaps you are already doing therapy for yourself, but from your post above, it sounds like you have been only talking to your husband about what has occurred, and he seems pretty incapable of handling it in a healthy manner.

Your husband is being a jerk to his clearly hurting and traumatized wife, and his decision to now abandon you and your child is pretty brutal. Nothing that either of you went through makes it ok to be a jerk to each other now. That being said, he was likely traumatized by the events you both endured. He is likely struggling himself in a variety of ways. His calling you crazy might be is his way of trying to push away the pain he is in as well. I do not condone his treatment of you at all. It is common for some survivors to push away therapy and help for themselves because they fear it will be too painful to look at the past - so they not only push away therapy, they also push away those close to them and they run.... Or they try to run. Avoidance. He might be overwhelmed by his pain and yours, and your begging him to come to therapy with you is likely hard for him to face, because if he went he would have to confront his own pain over what his wife had to do to help you both survive. Some people tend to have a lot of guilt and shame after trauma, and instead of facing it, they run. This may be what he is doing.

It was well meaning to try and get him to come to therapy, and it would have been great if he was willing. In the end, the only person you can control is yourself. The person that you really need to really focus on right now is yourself. You have done so much to try and get through, it's time to focus on you and getting the outside help you need. It doesn't mean you are crazy, it means you went through really awful things and you need support. You have been reaching out for it with your husband, and that's good. Just because he is not willing/able to help you get through this doesn't mean that there is no way out.

You can get better. There is hope and help out there. Focusing on you and your recovery and healing, without him, is probably the best chance you have at saving the marriage, if possible, and it's probably one of the very best things you can do to ensure a bright and happy future for you and your child.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

This is a horribly violent world we live in. Sometimes, force must be met with force. There are times when we are left with little choice.

 

[Neverthesame]

You should definitely seek some therapy. Irregardless whether or not your husband wants to go.

You put your family's lives first when you needed to, now that they are safe, it's time to put your life first.

 

[RussH]

I have an opinion, but given the fact that I know nothing about what actually transpired, I could be way off, and if so, then I apologize.,
Your husband's life was in danger, and your family was in danger, so you took action to protect your family, and in doing so negatively impacted the person or persons threatening your family.
What was your husband doing in the meantime? Why didn't he take the action to protect his family? Could it be that he is feeling that he is the one who is weak for not protecting his family, and projecting that weakness on you? Is he feeling guilty for allowing you to act instead of acting himself? Lastly does he blame himself for your suffering because you had to act because he didn't?

You need to go to therapy to help yourself, and get yourself better, and he needs to deal with his own issues.

 

[shimmerz]

Why didn't your husband help you to protect your family?

 

[Footsie1980]

Honestly, my husband never believed the problems were that big of a deal until I had someone come to our home and threaten my and our daughters life with a gun. He was at work when this happened and the police in the hillbilly town we were in, wouldnt take action or do anything, I tried. These people said when they were done with me and my daughter, they would geg my husband too. So when I ran inside, locked my daughter in her room and came back out with a gun, I took action and protected my home and family. Had my husband been there, im sure he would of done the same, but he wasnt.

As im sure you can assume, there is a reason these people came to my home armed and ready for a fight. It was some psycho woman and her friends. My husband flirted around with this girl and never took it further, he was married, so I hope he didnt. She got very angry and wanted revenge on him.

Im still pretty damn angry with my husband for putting us in that situation. I took peoples lives and I deal with that every day and he doesnt want any part of it. He helped make this mess but wont help clean it up.

I also have been getting therapy for myself and my daughter for a few months now.

 

[Footsie1980]

Why didn't your husband help you to protect your family?

If he had been able to, im sure he would of, but he wasnt home. I explained in more detail above, Thank you

 

[shimmerz]

My husband flirted around with this girl and never took it further,

Wow. Just wow. He should be bowing in front of you for forgiveness. You are getting counseling for you and your daughter right? It seems he is throwing HIS issues onto YOUR lap. Both you and your daughter highly traumatized because he was flirty with a nutbar? I'm sorry, I just don't see how he could possibly be contemptuous about this - and you were protecting yourself and your daughter. You didn't do anything that was 'really bad'.

 

[Neverthesame]

Good to hear that your in therapy.

I really don't know what to tell you about your husband, sorry.

I do suffer from survivors guilt. Not for the same reasons, but yeah, it hurts, alot. Since you told a bit about yours, seems only fair to tell a bit about mine.

For me it's a baby.
I responded to a motor vehicle accident on a highway, working alone in a scene that wasn't secure. Another vehicle collided into the accident scene. I couldn't get the baby out the car seat. She didn't make it.

I don't know her name. Nor will I ever, probably. The rest of her family died in the car with her. She's the one that haunts me, hers is the face I see every day in my mind. I wish I could tell you how to deal with it, but I don't know how.

The knowledge that I am not at fault, that there was nothing I could have done different. Is correct, sure. But I still feel like I am to blame. That her death was my fault.

Anyway enough rambling from me. I just wanted to tell you that your not alone.

 

[Footsie1980]

Wow. Just wow. He should be bowing in front of you for forgiveness. You are getting counseling for y...

Part of me thinks the same thing. Like "how could he put me through his games and lies, sit back and watch me fight for my life, then watch me turn into an emotional wreck, having nightmares, panic attacks, being so angry, and then tell me he wont help me?"

But, the other part of me knows that I am literally a mess now. Even if he wanted to apologize or talk to me or be kind, Im so far gone half the time that he cant. Everyday, I turn some stupid thing he says into a fight (his words, not mine) begging him to be considerate or kinder to me and then he responds with such horrible remarks about how much he hates me.

Its both our faults at this point that it isnt getting better between us, I just dont know how to change that. Im also struggling with my own recovery because I dont have understanding and support at home that I need.