Relationship Riddle Me This - Interaction While Triggered/isolated?

[LoveHimThroughIt]

You may have to wait until e feels a little better to talk to him about doing something like that though... it's hard to work on compromises when they are stressed.

Yes, I definitely will. I don't want to overwhelm him when he re-emerges, but I feel like I have a list of questions I want to ask him. I think the most important is how to communicate without communicating, so I don't overwhelm him. One day at a time. Just need to get through this one.

 

[scout86]

I didn't want to make you feel bad......:sorry:

OK, I'm not "him" either. But here's how it would work for me.

I'm scoping out my future "new home" regardless of what he does or doesn't do,

THAT would be an important thing for me to be reminded of. So "I" didn't screw up your trip and/or waste your time. You were doing something YOU wanted and needed to do. "Not my fault". Because, I promise, if it was ME, I'd be busy MAKING it my fault. I'd want to know you're not mad at me, don't hate me, and haven't given up on me (yet?). Anything that takes the pressure off would be good. And, it's not really other people who put the pressure ON, it's me. I wouldn't get overwhelmed with my clients like I do, if I didn't feel this irrational need to be everything anyone wants me to be, any time they think they need it. They don't even EXPECT that, I just THINK they do. In my better moments, I KNOW that. But we're not talking about "better moments". I keep telling myself that's why they call this a "disorder".

Basically, I guess, if you can let him know YOU'RE not stressed out, and you're not mad, and he still matters, I would think that would help.

 

[Justmehere]

OK, what is the best way for me to ease his mind? I want to let him know that it is ok and he shouldn't feel bad about not being able to be the same way he was last month. I keep telling him that I'll still be here and I'm not going anywhere. I want to do the right thing for him.

Like @scout86 said, it would be great to tell him you are there for yourself and going to do what you need to do, and you are not mad or stressed out with him. Tell him you are there whenever he is ready to connect.

Then, give him space. Don't text him again, at least not for a few days. Go about the rest of your life exploring your relocating process. Wait for him to reach out to you.

 

[Justmehere]

Also, be easy on yourself. This is hard and confusing stuff to navigate. You are handling this pretty well, and doing so many things that are right. Think it is a wonderful idea to later ask him how to communicate in the future when you two are connecting regularly again. Many people forget to ask the sufferer what works best for them. You have more insight than you realize. :)

 

[Sighs]

Sigh!

@LoveHimThroughIt - I say this only because I see so much of my myself in you - this is HIS shit to deal with. You hardly know this man and you are turning yourself inside out to try and figure out what YOU can do about HIS PTSD. No matter what you do he will still have PTSD. He is either well enough to be in a relationship or he isn't. Its great that you are so willing to learn about PTSD and want so badly to help him, but don't lose sight of yourself in the process.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I promise, if it was ME, I'd be busy MAKING it my fault. I'd want to know you're not mad at me, don't hate me, and haven't given up on me (yet?).

Yup, yup, and double yup for my vet too.

The way it seems to work for us @LoveHimThroughIt , is that I finally got it through my thick skull that the most loving thing I could do for my vet is to give him the space he needs to feel better. That realization did not come right away, by any means. It was a process. He now KNOWS that I don't take it personally, and that I know it is just something that needs to happen every so often. I don't even address it really anymore. It is no big deal, and totally fine. He knows what my boundaries are regarding it, and as long as they aren't crossed, everything is A-OK.

For instance, my vet is physically handicapped from Iraq, as well as the TBI and PTSD. He has a lot of medical appointments at the VA. The VA sucks the big hairy one, and it is a major stressor for him every single time. It exhausts him, and he is usually in a lot of physical pain afterwards as well. He had an appointment this morning for something physical. On the way home, he fell asleep in the car before I got out of the parking lot. I stopped off and got a bag full of sandwiches at a drive thru, got him home, work him up and got him inside. I left the food in the fridge, asked him if he needed me to stay... which by experience, I knew his answer would be a resounding no. Then I gave him a kiss and told him to give me a holler when he was ready. I know I won't hear from him for a day or two. I know why I won't, and I'll give him the alone time he needs to de-stress. He knows I'm not upset with him and I understand. It's my gift to him.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I didn't want to make you feel bad......:sorry:

You didn't. Its just that there are so many things that never crossed my mind and I'm kicking myself. Sometimes the supporters beat ourselves up too.

 

[scout86]

@Sweetpea76 , you don't have a brother who'd want to be in a relationship with a woman with PTSD, do you????? ('cause that was WAY cool!)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Nope @scout86 , all sisters... Don't let it fool you, I'm just making up for the times I have to put a boot in his ass ;):angelic:

 

[scout86]

Actually @Sweetpea76 a little of THAT is sometimes called for too. It's all about "balance". :) Now and then, I wish there was someone around who had a firmer basis in "reality" so I could count on THEM to let me know when I deserved a good swift kick;), and then maybe I could worry a bit less about missing a chance to tell myself that everything's my fault. LOL

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

You hardly know this man and you are turning yourself inside out to try and figure out what YOU can do about HIS PTSD.

Oh @Sighs, I'm not turning myself inside out. You've been with me through a few posts. I'm still living my life and doing my thing, but I'm tech savvy and I can post from my laptop or cell phone, from wherever I am. Trust me, the meltdown is long over. Now I'm just curious about things and wanting to bounce things I hear in IRL Groups off the folks on the forum.

I'm also not trying to figure out what to do about his PTSD. I know I can't do anything about it. I am trying to learn about negative supporter behavior so that I don't exacerbate it. I know he knows how to deal with himself, but what I don't want to do is cause him to suffer for a longer duration because I am being a stressor without knowing it. I can't ask him right now, so the question goes here.

Also, and I'm just going to throw this out there. Why does everyone harp on timeline so much. Why does a timeline have to define what we are or aren't willing to do for a person we care about? Is someone less worthy of our love and affection just because we've known them less time? Why does everyone freak out so much about me wanting to learn and be there for him just because we're in a new relationship? I don't care if I've known someone for one day or one decade. I care about the people in my life with the same level of passion, regardless of time. Maybe that is just me. None of you have to agree with me and you are entitled to your opinions, but that is who I am and what I do. I have always been that way and it has not hurt me and will not hurt me to show love and caring to others and I will not stop just because there is a risk that I could get hurt. I refuse to live my life that way.

There is NOTHING to do at this hotel. I don't have work this week. I spent 5 hours in a car today driving home from my friend's house. I assure you that when I'm back to work Monday, you guys will probably not hear much from me. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but save yourself the worry, please.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Now I'm just curious about things and wanting to bounce things I hear in IRL Groups off the folks on the forum.

I've noticed the people on here are much more brutally honest than face to face group. It's more of a reality check. It's probably the anonymity of the internet, or the fact we can't look each other in the eye.

Why does everyone harp on timeline so much.

I think that is just one of those reality checks... there is a honeymoon phase in PTSD relationships. I think people are trying to warn you... it's not that he isn't "worth it" or that we doubt your ability to stick by him or handle it. It's just that the reality of PTSD is going to come roaring in like a freight train when it does. Out of the blue, from left field, upside the head. Reading about it, listening to videos, support groups... they all help immensely, but it's nothing like experiencing those symptoms in real life. It's like walking through a field of rakes blindfolded. No matter how much you know you're going to eventually step on one... when that one flies up and smacks you in the face *BAM* it's still going to shock you.

You talk about battle buddies... think of us like old grizzled NCOs (hell, some of the posters on here WERE old grizzled NCOs). We have been in-country for awhile. Reading the Field Guide is awesome, but it's not the same as learning from experienced battle buddies.