Relationship Serious Question, Even Though It Sounds Like A Joke

[journey31]

Do they have some kind of radar for fed up? Seriously every time I hit my breaking point, where I think I can't take anymore, he does something completely random and unexpected to suck me back in. He does it before I can tell him I'm done, do its not like he's trying to pull me back in because he knows. Like he was ignoring me for days, so I just stopped contacting him, and I was thinking I couldn't do it anymore. Not even 24 hours later, I get a text out of no where. He's going to get me some furniture. He said he'll get it later this week. Told him thank you, then started ignoring me again.
I'm so confused. I hate the distance. But he's showing he cares by stuff like this. I just wish he was more consistent.

 

[torietoo]

Hello. I'm so sorry you are so frustrated! You're in a hard situation. First of all, is he your boyfriend and do you live with each other? Can you explain a little more about your relationship? Unfortunately, it sounds like what alot of women deal with. Maybe men, but since I'm a women, not going to speak for them. How long you been together?

 

[journey31]

Hello. I'm so sorry you are so frustrated! You're in a hard situation. First of all, is he your boyfrie...

We're just dating. Not even in a relationship. But we've got a long history of on again off again. Any time we get close, he runs. This time he's sticking around. Just pushes me away any time we progress. One step forward, two steps back.
He tells me he's scared of getting hurt, so he can't open up to me.

And we met three years ago. It's been six months this time..

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

You may find this book particularly useful. ;) http://www.amazon.com/All-Men-Are-Jerks-Understanding/dp/1580621732

 

[shimmerz]

He does it before I can tell him I'm done, do its not like he's trying to pull me back in because he knows.

Because he knows how far he can push you. I call this push/pull. It won't ever stop - not in so far as my life experiences have shown anyway. It is NO joke. It is seriously compromising to one's mental health. Get out is my opinion, whether he is pushing or pulling.

 

[Neverthesame]

Short answer yes.

Long answer, no. Not radar per-sé, but everyone speaks volumes in other ways than just words. Body language is a very subtle but clear manner with which people talk to one another. Often without realizing it.

That's my theory. Even us stupid men can read signals (though admittedly, it's usually after we're in shit.) :bag:

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's the "doghouse vibe"... As in he knows he's in it! I think it's more of a man thing than a PTSD thing too.

 

[Anarchy]

What's the Frederick Douglas quote about how much abuse someone will take, is exactly how much they'll get?

 

[Pebbles5280]

Geez this sounds familiar. I obviously have not set clear enough boundaries nor enforced them consistently enough because the better I treat my combat vet, the worse he treats me. :(

I have no advice because clearly I'm not doing well enough to give anyone else advice.

 

[journey31]

Geez this sounds familiar. I obviously have not set clear enough boundaries nor enforced them consis...

He's so confusing. After he told me he was going to go get me some furniture he stopped texting.
He's being very short with me today.
You're not going to offer to go get someone furniture if you don't have some feelings for them. I didn't ask him for anything. He just out of the blue offered me. But if you care, why do you keep pushing me away?

I don't understand why he does this. He's told me he didn't know what he wants. He isn't in a place where he can handle a relationship, but if I try to leave, he doesn't let it happen. He sucks me back in.

 

[queen]

@journey31 I can totally relate to this. I agree with sweetpea, I think it may be a combination of getting the vibe as a dude that you're in the doghouse, with an additional element that speaks to some fear or doubt that "maybe I've pushed too hard" and worry that you're going to be gone for good. I know with mine, he knows when he's crossed a line and in his own way, tries to make things right (while also trying to save face).

I don't understand why he does this.

I'm not convinced he knows why he does this either. Honestly, the more I read and research and learn about relationships involving PTSD, the more I think that we're all just confused pretty much all the time and reacting to the confusion of others. Of course, these thoughts are manifesting after a weekend spent with the man, inconsistent behaviors, and sleep deprivation, so are admittedly clouded and pessimistic. :confused::sleep:

 

[Justmehere]

Radar? No, not in the sense that we can read thoughts of anyone else. But hypervigalent reading of body language and all other clues? Yes.

I have had friends and partners comment on my ability to read someone's emotional state all the time. Recently, a friend walked into a room with myself and 4 other people there. I noticed she was tense. I watch her for a few moments, and then I asked, "hey, are you ok?" She broke into sobs.

Everyone else in the room commented that they had no idea anything was even wrong or slightly off. I was just super hyper-aware.

For him it could just be really good timing, or it could be that he is picking up on subtle clues you are giving off.

Does that mean he is picking up on your cues? Maybe, maybe not. You have to talk to him to know if he responded the way he did because he picked up on how you were feeling or not. An overall trend doesn't mean that this is what is happening in this case.

In this case, how do you know that he is "ignoring" you? It might just be that he isn't ignoring you, but that his needs/ability for closeness isn't the same as yours. Just because you are reading into his behavior, it doesn't mean he is trying to read into yours.

If you ignore him by just not responding to him, but you don't tell him you are ignoring him and set any boundaries to limit/cut off contact, it doesn't mean that he is ignoring you when he also just doesn't respond. He may not be responding for other reasons.

In the end, I hope you ask him why he is responding the way he is. That is most likely going to lead to the best and most accurate answer as to why he responds when he does, and not at other times.