Relationship Tips For Having Serious Discussions

[queen]

I've been dating my dude for over 3 months now. He's a combat vet with PTSD. As many can probably relate, he has huge difficulty talking about serious stuff and the only reasons I know anything intimate about his life are those random moments he chooses opens up. I know he's been to Afghanistan, I know it pretty bad (no details), I know he's divorced (also no details on what happened or why). I've learned not to ask him many questions about serious things because he either gets upset/irritated or just does not acknowledge that a question was asked and avoids it completely. I'm trying to be patient and let him open up to me when he feels safe and ready to.

But I have all these questions.... How does he feel about me? Where does he see this going? Long-term? I'd like to know more about him in general. I know I didn't sign up for a "normal" situation and that patience is a must. I'm certainly not used to second-guessing myself as much as I do now, and sometimes I feel like I'm losing all sense of what I can reasonably expect from a partner. I want to be respectful of his boundaries, but at the same time, I'd like to know what is realistic for me as well.

It seems to be that there is a huge deficit of communication, and I'd like to be a part of the solution. But I don't want to make things worse either. I feel like he has opened up a bit, but there are still these ginormous walls everywhere. For those that have had some success in this area, what are the best ways to ask these questions or start these discussions? And on a related note, realistically speaking, am I being too impatient? Is 3 months too short a period of time to reasonably expect more intimate levels of communication?

 

[SunflowerHoney]

I've been dating my dude for over 3 months now. He's a combat vet with PTSD. As many can probably relate,...

Hi there. I'm pretty concerned for you. I see it as a really big red flag that he won't share about basic things. I just don't want you to get hurt. How can you really know who this guy is or what he's capable of?

On behalf of sufferers, I thank you for trying to understand him and doing research, etc. I'm not the best at communication so I will not tell you how to start a conversation about this. I think there are people here with much more experience and better skills than I possess. I just don't want you to go all in too soon. There are basic things you should know about a person you're in a relationship with. Put yourself first. I hope I haven't offended you. I'm sorry if I have.

 

[Justmehere]

Are you seeking to have him open up about specifics of the trauma he endured while serving? If that's what you are wanting, it can take anywhere from years to never for someone to open up about that.

Trained professionals often find it hard to have PTSD sufferers open up about trauma. Respect the weight of that difficulty. It's really hard, and often takes years in the very safe space of therapy. I never talk about details of trauma with people I date. I tell them it's part of my past, and I focus on how it might affect the relationship now. It works better than getting into the details with someone that may be vicariously traumatized just by hearing what I have been through.

If you are looking for deeper communication about his history in relationships, what he is feeling and wanting in this relationship, etc, then I think that gradual increases in openness are important.

First step: ask him what makes it hard, what would make it easier. If he can't or refuses to answer that question, make note of that and consider if he is ready to be what you need in a partner.

Try to ask empowering questions that narrow down the topics, or ask about the positive sides to things first.

For example, you could ask him, "What did you learn from the divorce?" That's generally less threatening than "tell me what happened in the divorce."

Be gentle but clear. No hinting at what you want, and no guessing what he wants.

Be willing to open up about subjects that you feel really vulnerable or really scared to talk about yourself.

Do it in small amounts. Get our toes wet, and invite him to do the same. Don't go jumping into the deep end really fast, and expect him to follow. You may both drown.

Don't push for deep discussions at the time of conflict or when PTSD symptoms are high. Yeah, I know this seems obvious, but many people forget this.

Dating is all about seeing if you and another person are a good fit. It may be that he is not ready for an emotionally intimate relationship like the kind you want and need. Don't try to change him into someone you want him to be, as you and him will likely both end up frustrated and resentful. Evaluate if he is ready or not, for your sake and his.

 

[queen]

@SunflowerHoney I'm sorry if I didn't clarify better. He is fine talking about basic things (i.e. his job, hobbies, day-to-day stuff, etc). It's the more emotionally-charged stuff that he does not open up about.

How can you really know who this guy is or what he's capable of?

Good question. I know enough about him to know that he's a good guy and he's not abusive or violent. If that changes, I would have no problem ending things.

@Justmehere You're right and I have no wish or desire to have him open up to me about his trauma. If he ever chose to, that would be completely up to him, but I'd never push that on him, and as far as I'm concerned, I don't need to know. It's enough for me to know that he went through something horrendous and he's trying to recover. Those are great tips, I will definitely use them.

It may be that he is not ready for an emotionally intimate relationship like the kind you want and need. Don't try to change him into someone you want him to be, as you and him will likely both end up frustrated and resentful. Evaluate if he is ready or not, for your sake and his.

You hit the nail on the head, this is exactly what I'm trying to figure out. As well as what is a reasonable/realistic progression of a relationship with him, taking into account his needs but also mine, and not wanting to get frustrated because things aren't moving along how I want them to.

 

[Tiffany3]

I'm having the same issue! We text every day and sometimes our conversations are just basic and superficial but other times they are deeper. I have noticed he has a tendency though to not answer questions. I'll ask him something and he'll just stop responding. He'll come back hours later or the next morning as if nothing ever happened. It's incredibly frustrating! Sometimes I think it's because he forgets (he has had 2 TBIs and does have some difficulty with short-term memory) but sometimes it's definitely avoidance.

I will say that when he was here last week (it's the first time we've seen each other - we met online in July) he was more open about some things. He told me all about his kids (even showed me pics), his ex (showed me a pic of her too), their divorce and their current relationship as coparents. He also talked to me about the memory bracelet he wears and how while he didn't lose anyone under his command (he's an officer and was in both Iraq and Afghanistan) he did lose friends, some whom were very close. He even at one point very quickly mentioned PTSD. He didn't go into other details though. He too refused to talk about the relationship and was very hesitant to show any affection other than a peck on the lips outside of the bedroom.

After returning home, however, he texted me saying he wanted to break up. WTF?! I was so confused. He liked me a lot but wanted to end things? That made no sense. He gave all sorts of excuses but when we finally got down to the root of things, he was overthinking things, jumping 20 steps ahead of where we actually are and when I told him I just wanted to keep talking, see each other when it fit our schedules, and overall take things SLOWLY, he changed his mind. We haven't had much conversation since then (this was Thursday) but he is texting me every morning to say "Good Morning :) Hope you have a great day!" I mirror his response as it doesn't seem like he's ready to talk - just keep in contact. I'm trying to let him set the pace for the relationship as this point and so far from all of the info I've read and advise I've gotten you've got to go SLOW as is slow as a tortoise. It's hard but I'm trying. Time will tell.

 

[queen]

@Tiffany3 Hearing your story makes me feel better somehow, just knowing I'm not alone. Not that it makes it any easier on you.... ;) N told me about 2 weeks into dating about his PTSD and honestly I think the only reason he said anything about it that quick was because he knew I was a therapist and that I didn't doubt that it's a real thing.

He'll come back hours later or the next morning as if nothing ever happened.

YESSSSSS....... He uses this method to avoid lots of different things..... Tough conversations, questions, resolving conflict, taking responsibility for being rude or snappy, avoiding the fact that he's been avoiding.

He too refused to talk about the relationship and was very hesitant to show any affection other than a peck on the lips outside of the bedroom

Yep. Physical affection is a very weird thing for mine too. He hardly ever kisses (I've sort of normed him to kiss and hug goodbye but it's literally a peck on the lips, nothing more), and when he touches me it's so incredibly awkward. He pats my head or ruffles my hair like I'm a kid. And sex, well let's just say it lacks real intimacy.

 

[Tiffany3]

@queen I get it. It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in my experience. It's hard because at first, I took all of his actions (or lack thereof) as signs that he wasn't really all that into me and why was I going to waste my time on a guy who's not into me? In fact I said that to him in the morning before I took him to the airport and he got offended. But through talking to a friend who is very open about his PTSD (and who is happily married now) and all of the reading I've been doing the past few days, I'm starting to see that this isn't the case at all. Clearly he cares because if he didn't, he would've just done what every other guys does - broken up with me and ignored me. But he hasn't. In fact he was the one who said he like the idea of taking it slow and he's the one who's been texting me the last few days. I just respond but I don't push for anything, at all. Like I said - mirror.

I'm just trying to find ways I can help make him feel more comfortable with me and our relationship. I don't want to be a stressor for him (have you read the articles on triggers/stressors and on the PTSD cup? If not, I'll share the links - very helpful!) but I don't know how to not be. I don't know how best to interact with him right now. It's hard but having support is helpful. Feel free to message me anytime!

 

[Pebbles5280]

Oh my gosh, my combat vet is the same way. He refuses to talk about anything emotional, he's been married twice and all I know are their names - nothing more. He says all that doesn't matter and never asks questions about my previous life, relationships, etc. either. I don't know if he doesn't ask because he doesn't plan on reciprocating or if he genuinely doesn't care.

He also doesn't ever give more than a peck on the lips and sex is totally mechanical, completely void of emotion or intimacy. He once told me he was numb to emotions/feelings and I didn't believe him. At the time, I didn't know much about PTSD but now I realize he really is and may always be.

My guy isn't healthy enough to be in a romantic relationship but at this point I'm afraid to break it off. He's already struggling so I'm trying to hang on and be supportive until he gets through his EMDR. Best case, maybe things will turn around and we can try to make this work - worst case, he's stable enough that I can leave and not worry about him hurting himself.

 

[scout86]

Sometimes I think it's because he forgets (he has had 2 TBIs and does have some difficulty with short-term memory) but sometimes it's definitely avoidance.

2 TBI's could definitely be a factor.

Once, not long after I started therapy, my T made what sounded like an off hand remark, that he'd bet there were a lot of times I didn't remember what we'd talked about once I left. I was glad he said that, because it was true, I'd noticed, and it was kind of freaking me out. I don't totally get how that works. It seems to happen less these days, but it's possible these guys DON'T remember what they said or did. I'm not saying they deserve a free pass, but you might want to actually ask. (I don't know how you do that diplomatically. My T did it with an air of "I'm not worried, this happens all the time" and kind of joked about it. That approach probably only works if you're a professional.)

 

[Brknangel45]

I've been dating my dude for over 3 months now. He's a combat vet with PTSD. As many can probably relate,...

If I may jump in and I'm in no way trying to be "Debbie Downer" or "Know it all Nancy"...
It has been my limited experience as a supporter that in a relationship with a Veteran and PTSD you can have no expectations. You can have boundaries as far as what is allowed as far as respect, his treatment of you but the relationship itself will never progress at a normal rate not will every person progress at the same rate. PTSD is almost like a 3rd party in your relationship but your bf is still a man, yes he might slip up, he might get angry at you inappropriately but he should recognize this and address that. PTSD does not give anyone the right to mistreat anyone.
Set boundaries, make sure you follow through with the consequences and take care of yourself. As a carer that is easily over looked.
I apologize if I sounded harsh or uncaring but I tend to get " long winded" and occasionally "off topic"... I'm also a fan of parentheses??!!! LOL
If you would like to chat on hangouts or something let me know, I'm no expert but I have been in your shoes and would offer any insight to you that I have.
Best of luck and patience is important! Congrats on even attempting to understand PTSD.

Always,
Sthrnbelle

 

[Peach]

I'll ask him something and he'll just stop responding. He'll come back hours later or the next morning as if nothing ever happened. It's incredibly frustrating! Sometimes I think it's because he forgets

This is true, I think especially of text/email conversations. I emailed Tater a completely innocent, non-threatening question about his Resurrection plant 3 times over the course of a few months and he'd never answer. Once we spoke in person, I asked him again and he said, "I've already told you..." Which led to the - No, you didn't ... Yes, I did. It's not a huge deal, he ended up saying, "Well, I thought I told you." and that's good enough for me. But now I know, he may sometimes think he's told me something and then if I ask again, he's going to ignore it because I'm the one who's being forgetful, not because the topic is difficult or off limits.:confused:

Would have been easier/nicer if he had just answered "again" the second time I asked, but now I know this is something that could happen and how he'll react, so I can work around it next time.:O_o::rolleyes:

 

[Sighs]

Bear in mind that lots of people with PTSD dissociate. Even if the question if completely innocent if you ask it while someone is dissociating they will not remember it. Both my dad and my partner (both combat vets) will do this in person. I can ask a question which should have been heard as I'm standing right next to them but they are a million miles away. No response. And no memory of the question being asked. They are not ignoring me - just not mentally there with me even though physically they are.