For Sufferers: Are You Triggered By Your Partner?

[SunflowerHoney]

Has anyone here had to break up with their partner because their own issues triggered you too much and they weren't willing and/or able to work on themselves enough? Not because they're abusive or bad people or even triggering you on purpose. I'm only talking about otherwise loving people, but have their own types of damage that just happen to conflict badly with yours.

I might have to do that. I really don't want to, but I don't see how I can heal if I'm constantly triggered. It's disheartening and painful.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I have; sad to say-because I wanted the relationship to work, and good to say-because I learned not to expect and not to wait for anyone to change.

One therapist said, "You can only trust people to be who they are." I cried, and cried, as the message echoed down through to my childhood.

As I first thought I was left with nothing and no one, however I was left with going about creating relationships in a new way: I could find people who, by how they currently exist, have mannerisms and habits, that don't trigger me.

This involved letting go of the romantic, and unrealistic notion, that if someone loved me, they would change for me.

Take heart. You are a smart and lovable person. You have infinite creativity to change yourself and change the people you choose to be with. There is hope.

 

[sun seeker]

I might have to do that. I really don't want to, but I don't see how I can heal if I'm constantly triggered.

I'm going to suggest a book, don't know if it fits your situation exactly but it's the only one I've read that comes close: Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. It's written for spouses and other people close to people healing from childhood sexual abuse. From what I recall there is a good balance there between compassion and taking care of your own needs. I don't know, it might help.

 

[Friday]

Not even because they're screwed up... Just because of being who they are.

My triggers & stressors are my own.

Every partner I've ever had has either stressed or triggered me. That's pretty normal / that's going to happen / absolutely not something they should feel responsible for. No more than the sunlight hitting the grass weird should be blamed for triggering me. My trigger, my responsibility*.

Some people I've dated, almost never trigger me, others meanwhile, trigger the hell out of me. That's still not their problem to fix. That's mine. When it's an occasional thing, it's not so much of a big deal. When it's a regular or near constant thing? Then I need to make the decision of whether to blunt those reactions so I can be with them is necessary (or possible) at this time... Or I need to move on.

* This doesn't mean I can't ask. I can ask anyone anything. It just means both that their saying no / that's not something they can do is completely legitimate, or if they agree & forget or it still happens? It's still not their responsibility. It's mine. Either way. I just bring this up because it can be extremely tempting to blame the other person for not doing XYZ to make our lives easier until the other person is walking on eggshells and more trapped by our symptoms than we are! If someone slams a door? And that's a trigger of mine? That doesn't paint a target on them for having slammed the door. It's not "How dare you slam the door you know what that does to me!" Attack-attack-attack / blame-shift-guilt-trip-etc . Its... Breathe. Get through being triggered, & mind my own side of the street.

 

[Seasounds]

have to do that. I really don't want to, but I don't see how I can heal if I'm constantly

For me, you hit it on the money, with the above statement! A few years ago, in becoming un-frozen, I began to notice that my best friend, and my lover's temper where major triggers for me. As I took distance from them, my healing, and my inner confidence has grown, immensely; it would not have done so, being close to someone who's behaviors regularly put me into re-traumatic episodes.

Whatever your process is, my main point was to comment on your deep insight, and the remarkable self-care consideration, that you are having, on your own behalf!! Hurrah!

I had tried 'changing/ignoring my trigger'; "ha, ha", that is where I learned that My Brain may always be triggered by anger, and violence, and disrespectful behavior, I am the one who needs to manage my surroundings, relationships, and emotional balance, to thrive.

Other helpful reads may be:
-There is another, almost historical book now (which means it will be $.99 cents online, 'Co-dependant No More'.
- And the psychologist, John Gottman, has interesting books, on marriage survival, and cultivating those survival skills.
-I love the inherent respect, that Non-Violent Communication teaches individuals and couples.

:hug:

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Thanks to you all. I have a lot to think about now.

@FridayJones, I wish I had had your advice years ago. I'm not sure if I would have been able to understand it back then though. :/ At least not without this PTSD diagnosis. It took me a really long time to understand that door slamming, washing dishes too loudly, weren't things get so upset at other people for. However, since I also got yelled at as a kid for doing those types of things, I would have had a tough time learning the difference. I have since learned how to control my reactions to those types of things. And definitely without painting a target on the perp! That's a good description.

One thing I've noticed is that if I am comfortable with and trust the person triggering those types of things, I don't react nearly as much. When I'm more comfortable, I'm not on edge, not hyperaroused by my inability to trust them and so my reactions are more subdued and easier to control. That's a wonderful thing!

@Saetva described similar experiences with her partner and bf's temper making it hard for her to heal. My husband has severe boundary issues from when he was a kid. He also lived in an invalidating environment--though not abusive like mine was. He vacillates between too loose and too rigid boundaries. He feels as if he has to do everything his loved ones and friends/coworkers want him to do. His response to this is to keep a certain current of resentment running through him and he also just doesn't let himself become too emotionally intimate with anyone. Partly because the resentment has him seeing everyone through a lens that makes everyone look somewhat like an enemy.

My boundaries are often too loose and I have been doing a great job with that. However...when people who are close to me (husband, mom, best friend) are emotionally withdrawn I often become uncontrollably triggered. And because it's so pervasive and insidious, I often don't even know what's going on until I'm a quivering mass. Didn't you say something like this, @FridayJones? I never really understood all of this about our dynamic until recently. And I also thought all of it was my fault.

I became so sad and lonely and shut down and hopeless from my lack of connection with anyone in my life. I literally had no one that understood me. I'm sure many of you can relate. But my attempts to fix things with my own husband were futile. I thought I was doing something wrong. I started to have SI and I was abusing benadryl and Ambien just so I could sleep through the evenings when he was home from work. Eventually I realized how much I was damaging myself and last October I initiated a separation and moved in with my mom in a city 120 miles away.

We're still separated, but live closer now. We've figured out a lot of things including his boundary issues and mine. And I know we/I couldn't have made as much progress as we/I have without my diagnosis. However, he still has one foot out the door. He's working on things. Seeing a therapist and we're starting our sixth marriage counselor on Monday (we haven't been able to find one who 'gets' us and our issues.) But he still isn't willing to commit to me and this marriage 100%. Which of course triggers my scared little inner child to feel panicky and desperate. I'm working on controlling those feelings because I understand patience is really important and committing to a lifetime with someone is a big deal.

He thinks he can't commit to this until all of our boundary issues are sorted out and he can know 100% that he won't lose himself again. My stance is that none of that can really sort itself out unless we're both 100% committed to making it work. His boundary issues make it so that I can't trust if he's taking me on a date because he wants to or if it's because he thinks he should and that I'll be upset otherwise. No matter how many times I ask him to let me deal with my own feelings and disappointments. I also am not certain he still wants to be in this marriage or if he's staying because he doesn't want to hurt me. He is also not certain of that. I've been emotionally neglected since I was a newborn fending for my little preemie self in the NICU. Not much improvement from my mom in that area until a few months ago. His lack of commitment and emotional intimacy is difficult to deal with and I'm triggered most of the time we're together. I spend a day or two after seeing him recovering.

This is why I'm considering ending it. I love him and I don't want to do that. I will not be impulsive about it. But I love myself more. I'm tired of living in constant reaction to people that can't love me enough, the way I need to be loved. It doesn't help that I haven't been showing myself that love either by staying in these types of situations with people.

@sun seeker, thank you for the book suggestion. I will check it out. Thank you very much for offering potentially helpful resources!! That's always welcomed.

Thanks again, everyone. Sorry this is so long.

 

[SunflowerHoney]

Bueller?