Relationship Ptsd And Very Young Children??

[Livy's Mom]

He's been gone just about a month and I'm spinning my wheels in the grief cycle. Not much of a cycle these days.

I'm stuck in anger. Anger that I did this to my daughter. What I mean when I say "I" is that hell yeah I did this to her.

I didn't give him PTSD or make any of the decisions to leave but I did decide to stay with him even after I KNEW exactly how this could be.

I feel so bad that she is now old enough to know he's just disappeared. She's 3, and they say she knows something has changed but she doesn't fully understand but I know it's impacted her and I feel like it's my fault. My fault for not protecting her from the abandonment.

Does anyone else here have children of this age or lived through this already with little ones? What do I tell her? Is 3 a good age to start therapy?! Hahaha!

He has only reached out for her 3 times this month and two times were less than an hour. All 3 times seemed forced and he makes I seem like it's my fault he doesn't see her. Sometimes I feel like it would better if he didn't try at all. I have mixed feelings about that.

I've gotten advice on legal steps I should take For visitation and financial support and although I talked to a lawyer I just couldn't bring myself to do it yet. Maybe because it feels so final to me.

Hadn't heard from him for a week and he called last night. It went to voicemail and when I listened to it I foolishly thought he was calling for her. He just left an aggressive message about a "filing case" he knows I have and to find a way to get it back to him.... He is staying about 10 minutes away. Not a single mention of her.

I found the stupid case he thinks I purposely hid from him... I'm gonna fed ex it 10 minutes up the road. What a dick.

Sorry for the cursing.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

:(:( (((((((((((@Livy's Mom )))))))))))))

You so have your head on straight!

I'm so sorry you're in such pain, grief and justified anger.

The legal process takes time, and you can pause it, whenever you need to. I'm glad you're talking with a lawyer.

If you have a very, very good child psychologist, a few sessions for your daughter might be very helpful.
Abuse and neglect issues (for her, abandonment) impact very young children in ways that can affect them long- term. (I remember vividly events that happened when I was still in the crib, that I struggle with, today.)

If she doesn't get therapy, you're doing a great job of letting her know you love and treasure her, and this is what she needs the most, for her protection and healing.

You're a wonderful woman and mother!!!!
:hug::hug::hug:
Deer

 

[scout86]

My fault for not protecting her from the abandonment.

Abandonment happens and, if you think you can protect her from it, you're kidding yourself. In fact, I'd refer you to the thread on "cognitive distortions" and suggest you look up "magical thinking". Beating yourself up isn't going to help (you probably already know that) and it's not going to set a good example in problem solving for your daughter either.

At her age, she knows he's gone and probably thinks it's her fault. And, she probably thinks it's her fault that you're beating yourself up too. Because, in her world, "if she was a better little girl none of this would have happened." There are other ways she can take all this in too, but that's the biggy.

My T works with lots of kids and some are her age, so, no, she's not too young. And, you might want to find someone to talk to yourself. People don't JUST see therapists because they have mental health issues. Sometimes they go just to get some help sorting things out and getting their lives on a track they want them on.

If it was me, I'd sit down and ask her what she's noticed and what she thinks about the changes in her life. I'd find out what she thinks is going on and then correct any misunderstandings. I'd make sure she knows her father loves her, as does her mother. (And I'm pretty sure he does, no matter how he's behaving right now. And, if he doesn't, I'm not sure she needs to know that right now. AND, I'm not sure there's a way anyone could know that right now.) I'd want her to know that her family is no longer together because the adults are having problems, but that they both care about her and will keep her safe. It's not a question of "fault", it just "IS". If she wants to assign blame when she gets older and can make up her own mind, that's fine.

 

[Livy's Mom]

@scout86 & @deer_in_headlights thank you for your responses.

I have my own therapist (thank heavens) but haven't been able to see her since this episode. I have my appointment Friday morning!

I was hoping she would help direct me on how to talk to the little one but wanted perspective from all of you as well.

I am beating myself up a bit about it but I think I've done an "ok" job of keeping that away from her. She has however seen me lose it crying a few times and I just couldn't help it. When she would ask why I'm
Crying I just told her hat sometimes people cry if they are sad and that's ok. I really have no clue if that's what I should have said or not.

I haven't had the conversation with her about him being gone because I TRULY didn't know what to say! I think what you said is appropriate. When she mentions him I have been just saying he is working or hiking...

I know it's awful to lie but I didn't know if he was coming back so I basically froze.

I will reach out for a child psychologist. It isn't going to hurt... I hope.

As a side note I just fedex'd his "file box" contents. 1.9 miles away. Fedex... Madness. Lol

 

[Sweetpea76]

As a parent, it's your first instinct to protect your children from any and all hurt... But it is impossible. It is not your fault, and you can't take the blame for your child's other parent taking off.

I know it seems terrible and like your child will be scarred for life, but kids are more resilient than you think. Obviously if your child seems to be acting out or having a hard time adjusting, then a counselor may be needed. She may be handling it better than you think though. Kids are great at talking about their feelings and listening to their parents at that age. It may just be that she needs an honest talk, and reassured that everybody still loves her. She may surprise you at how much she understands.

My ex split when my kids were 4 and 15 months, and if it is any consolation, they don't even remember living with their dad at all. If we had split later, I honestly think it would have been harder on them.

 

[scout86]

Crying I just told her hat sometimes people cry if they are sad and that's ok.

It's the truth and I'm, personally, a huge fan of going with the truth. By saying that, you're indicating to her that feelings are ok to have and no cause for panic or secrecy. Having been lied to a lot, I kind of think it's one of the worst things you can do to a kid. The don't always need to know the WHOLE truth, but that's not necessarily what they're looking for either. What they hear should be true, I think.

It isn't going to hurt... I hope.

Probably not. Your T might be able to suggest someone who's good with kids.

One thought on "telling the truth". Try to go with "facts", rather than "opinions". When you're dealing with your own anger, that's got to be hard. And, I can't imagine anyone could perfectly avoid venting a little. But, even though you're hurt and angry and frustrated, you don't, totally, know what's going on with him or where he's at, mentally, so offering opinions to your daughter might not be real helpful. Especially if there's a chance that he WILL be in her life when the dust settles. (I think the Fed Ex idea was great, although you'd think he could have just picked up the package!)

 

[Friday]

My dad was gone at least 6 months a year. Every year. My whole life. Often in 3-4 month stints. Sometimes I'd only see him a few weeks a year. This was before Skype & email, and phonecalls cost at least $10 a minute (international long distance). Meaning that here was virtually no contact during these periods.

We're super duper close & always have been :happy:

My dad was in the Navy. That's just how life works.

There are ways so that separation does not equal distance, much less abandonment.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I 100% agree that separation doesn't have to equal abandonment and I was really surprised at how open I am or was to maintaining a family without the relationship.

I thought I was doing the right thing by her to say we can do this together and not be together. He seemed receptive to it as long as it didn't include any actual responsibilities. He actually agreed we should do holidays, events, and even special day trips as a family not as a couple under the idea that showing her we can be loving without being together was the best thing we could do for her.

It sounded pretty great for the 10 min we talked about it but when I got to the part about sharing responsibilities for her he was gone.

Never saw her again and that's that. I get it, stressors and such but jeez man... I mean his whole "excuse" for bailing on us was the usual I'm not in love with you deal so he could at least be trying to do a better job of keeping his story up!!!

I know he's not gone because of his true feelings for me and certainly not because of her but knowing doesn't make dealing with this and a child any easier.

This is only the 2nd real move out we have had and I say I take blame because I wonder if I should have walked when she was 6 months old. Saved us all the suffering now that we are more invested. No point in wondering right? It's already done lol.

I'm now in a limbo of do I jump when/if he calls to allow her the time with him or do I try to avoid so she's not all over the place??!! I realize avoiding contact can be perceived as being passive aggressive and attempting to control but my real goal is to prevent as much heartbreak as possible.

They don't give you instructions with these little suckers!!!!

As an additional side note when I left work today I was at a red light and I see a man in an unfamiliar work truck waving at me and when I passed in front of it, it was HIM!!!! Just waving at me like hey old friend how's it going? I was overloaded with every emotion a human can experience but mostly just wtf!!!

Did he forget we have a daughter, a home, a life together?! Just mind boggling. I just kept driving. Thank god I was wearing sunglasses. I've convinced myself he couldn't tell if I saw him or not.

Twilight zoooooooone...

 

[scout86]

No point in wondering right?

Right. And, you were hoping it would work out differently, and it might have. No harm in trying.

I'm now in a limbo of do I jump when/if he calls to allow her the time with him or do I try to avoid so she's not all over the place??!

Do you have to just jump when he calls? Can't you come up with a predictable schedule that works, at least most of the time?

You also mentioned he has a drinking problem, right? So, I think knowing he's going to be sober when she's around is important. Beyond that? You're right, there's no instruction manual. Personally, I'd let him see her and if he breaks promises, HE breaks promises. She'll have to learn that he does that. It's not a great thing, but it might be a fact of her life. Life is full of unpleasant facts. It's sad to have to start learning that so young, but those are the cards she's been dealt. But, the drinking would scare me more than a little. If he's really an alcoholic...... There's also the rest of his family to consider, maybe? What about his parents? They probably want to see her too?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Divorce is a bitch when everybody is healthy, PTSD aside. The worst part is not having any say in how the other party treats your kids. Eventually you have to just let it go and do damage control as best you can.

What about taking your daughter over to grandparents house for visits, and having him meet you guys there?

 

[Lacey Marie]

I have a 7 year old from my previous marriage and a 2 year old son with my husband (vet). We are splitting up due to the PTSD issues so he is now ignoring my 7 year old son. Great guy huh? Funny thing is he used to go out of his way to make sure my son was happy. Those were better days. Anyways, I tell my son that he is not feeling well. That when he went to war he saw scary things and now he gets sad, angry, upset because of it. I explain that he's being "a crab" and we need to give him his space so he can feel better. I give him as much of the truth as I feel appropriate for his age and makes sure he knows that it is his step dad's struggle and has nothing to do with him.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Yes he is an alcoholic. Him being sober if he sees her is an absolute must me if he sees her but he's not a stumbling drunk so short of breathalyimg him upon arrival I don't know if I can control that. There is always court orders I can get in regards to the drinking but I haven't gotten. That far yet.

I had the conversation with him about a sidelined schedule AND drinking and agreed. He just never followed through. He just never called or came and then on two random Saturday's he wanted to take her. My assumption is that he didn't have anything on.

Your all correct that I have to let HIM make the decisions he's going to make and did manage control later. It's just sucks. Period.

This is essentially how my childhood played out (minus) the PTSD, so no shocker here that I'm codependent and basically followed my own mothers path.

My goal is to break the pattern for her. Maybe breaking it is getting her educated early. My mother also allowed the cards she was dealt to break her down and I vividly remember her being distraught and unhappy for most of my childhood.

THAT I will do differently. Every morning the little one and I have a "dance party" and yesterday Hakuna Matata (if your familiar) came one and I thought now this is how she should wake up every morning.

Thank you everyone for letting me spill my guts and providing me feedback. If he calls I'm gonna let it happen.

I'll want to gouge my own eyeballs out but hey Hakuna Matata!