Relationship Question For Sufferers

[journey31]

Can you see when someone cares? Can you see if they're trying to be there and supportive. I know that doesn't mean you'll act on anything. But are you aware of it? And how does it make you feel?

 

[Friday]

Can you see when someone cares? Sometimes.
Can you see if they're trying to be there and supportive? Sometimes.
But are you aware of it? Sometimes.
And how does it make you feel? It very much depends on who, what they're doing, why they're doing it, when they're doing it... And what else is going on. Without those details? Pick an emotion, any emotion, including none at all.

 

[InvisibleSun]

Yes..I can tell when people truly care and are trying to be supportive of me.
I don't trust anybody 100% so even if I know they're being genuine at heart, i'm always guarded. Emotions in general make me feel extremely uncomfortable..too much love, caring and affection makes my skin crawl. My own mistrust and self loathing won't allow me to accept it. Love makes me feel vulnerable and support makes me feel weak. And I don't like feeling much of anything. So I push those who really care away, and then I hate myself for it. It's quite the vicious cycle. I am only comfortable when alone with my pain..

 

[journey31]

Yes..I can tell when people truly care and are trying to be supportive of me.
I don't trust anybody...

So do I need to back off to stop the pushing away? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want to earn trust, but the more I show I care, the more distant he gets.

 

[journey31]

Can you see when someone cares? Sometimes.
Can you see if they're trying to be there and s...

Just trying to stay in their life. Check on them when they know something bad happened. Offer assistance if needed. Not push for it. But just say "let me know if you need anything"

It's someone you're too scared, by your own words to get in a relationship with. Saying you're not ready. You're scared of getting hurt.

But you won't let this person break it off. You talk them out of it, but still push them away.

 

[InvisibleSun]

Giving him some space may be the thing to do. For you and for him. Being in a relationship with someone who has PTSD can be very difficult. An exhausting game of come here, go away at times. All you can really do is be understanding, compassionate and supportive where you can. He wants your love and support, he just doesn't know how to accept it. Let him reach out to you when he's ready..I know it is difficult..Good Luck!

 

[sun seeker]

Can you see when someone cares?

Yes.

And how does it make you feel?

1. Relieved, validated, grounded.
2. Scared out of my mind.
3. Guilty.

The above can happen almost simultaneously, along with some other feelings that would be harder to explain. Because the more someone cares, the more it means they see how bad it is, and the more they see how bad it is, the more likely they will not be able to handle it, which is hard on both people. Sound complicated? That's the simplified version.

It's very, very hard to just relax into being supported and let it in for that reason, and then I feel guilty for not being better at letting in support when people are trying so hard, and also scared that they will be annoyed with me for not being easier to help and give up, and this is mixed with the feeling that I don't deserve their support anyway and remembering all the people who have given up on me in the past, and worrying that the person being supportive will think I don't see the support and/or don't care about them, and a whole lot of other things at the same time, and the whole mess gets so complicated that I freeze and can't even begin to communicate what is going on. Most of this is happening in the regions of the brain stuck in trauma responses. When I am not so stressed my higher brain can reason it out and realize that none of this may be accurate based on present reality, but when my higher brain can function is not when I am most in need of support.

I haven't found a solution to this, but the best advice I can give is to let him know by words and deeds that you care and are there for him, but don't take on trying to fix his problems. Have your own life. Keep reaching out so he knows you are there and ready to listen or whatever he needs, but that it's fine if he doesn't, too. That might take the pressure off.

Also, let him know how he can help you. A relationship has to go both ways. If one person is rescuing the other, it won't work for long. At all but his worst moments there is probably something he can do to support you, and he will feel better for doing it. Let him know what that is.

 

[journey31]

Giving him some space may be the thing to do. For you and for him. Being in a relationship with som...

That's what this is. Come here, go away. And I have no idea how to respond. I haven't talked to him in a week. I've sent one text with no response.
I know he's had a lot going on. Probably too much for someone without ptsd to handle well. And he told me he was doing bad about the weeks ago. But said there was nothing I could do.
Then offered to go get me some furniture. And haven't heard from him since.
When I contacted him last week to see if he was mad at me bc he was not responding. He said no. This is just him.
But this is a change in behavior. So I'm confused

 

[journey31]

Yes.


1. Relieved, validated, grounded.
2. Scared out of my mind.
3. Guilty.

The above can happen...

Responses like this make me cry. I can feel the pain in them. And it makes me feel so helpless. I just want to help him feel better, and it sounds like even that makes things hard.

 

[sun seeker]

I've sent one text with no response.

Okay, so, I have PTSD, and I don't do this. Not with someone I am close to anyway. With casual acquaintances that I feel I have to keep up a front with, I do sometimes do a disappearing act. There is something beyond PTSD going on here. He should have the decency to tell you he needs space and that it isn't about you (unless it is) and give you some sort of a time frame if he can. He should also follow through on what he says he is going to do, or at least take responsibility if he can't.

I can feel the pain in them.

PTSD is a painful condition, there is no doubt, and yes, it is hard on most relationships. That part of it is about the trauma. I think it might help here to separate what is about the trauma and what is other stuff. In this case, it sounds like there are some communication problems and trouble on his part following through on what he says he is going to do. That has nothing to do with PTSD.

 

[queen]

it sounds like there are some communication problems and trouble on his part following through on what he says he is going to do. That has nothing to do with PTSD.

This is where I get really confused. I've read some sufferers say that yes, absolutely, their PTSD has a lot to do with difficulties communicating, articulating thoughts, feelings, trusting enough to be open to share things, and fighting the need to isolate/retreat completely from loved ones and others. Other sufferers say no, this is just "bad behavior" that shouldn't be tolerated. I've been on this forum for a few weeks now, and in many many ways it's been infinitely helpful to me in understanding the relationship/relational aspect of PTSD and how to navigate those waters. But then again, sometimes it seems like I'm way more confused. I realize that it's different for everyone, but where is the line drawn between PTSD-related symptoms vs. "bad behavior"; or PTSD-related lashing-out vs. emotional abuse, etc? Ugh. Today my brain is feeling overloaded. :arghh;

 

[sun seeker]

I realize that it's different for everyone, but where is the line drawn between PTSD-related symptoms vs. "bad behavior"; or PTSD-related lashing-out vs. emotional abuse, etc?

Lots of things are coming to mind here, but I'm not sure I can articulate any of them very well. Sorry, I slept badly.

Maybe the simple answer is that it doesn't matter. What matters is what you are able to handle, not what you "should" be able to handle. Someone else might draw the line in a different place, but that's up to them.