Support Outside Therapy

[Chava]

I'm sure this question has been posted before, but starting fresh, I'm wondering what some of you do for support outside of therapy. ??? I'm having a hard time with that for a few reasons, which I don't want to get into (avoidance, but also wanting support of AA without having to mess with the steps and higher power stuff at the moment). I'm trying, which is good, but I'm also isolated...not just because of avoidance, but because I basically live in the woods and travel to a couple small universities for work. I'm not even connected to a community really.

How have you found support outside of therapy? This site included...because maybe I could make better use of this. I don't want to drown my therapist but I'm having a hard time with balance and holding myself together sometimes recently because we've had to cut back on some session time due to the demands of my work . Thanks

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm interested in what others say, because I need some ideas, too.

So for me...I have certain activities I do every week, but I don't really feel "connected" with people at any of them. I keep going, though, because it's better than staying home all the time (I actually like staying home, but I know it's not good for me). I realize it's a little easier to find activities if you can be part of a church, but here's what I do:

church (when I can handle being around a crowd, even though it's a small church/crowd)
yoga class
small group
therapy once a week, usually
hiking alone
lunch or dinner out with a friend, if someone is available
occasionally a meetup.com hike

 

[Chava]

thank you @DogwoodTree

please help anyone, I am icy cold freezing

 

[joeylittle]

Have you checked out your local NAMI chapter?

 

[Chava]

thank you @joeylittle ...personally I swear I am not afraid, but I am a little scared in terms of position at the university in one of the nearby cities where a NAMI group is offered. Paranoid, I admit. But I know I shouldn't be (okay, doesn' matter). Have you ever done a community NAMI free support group? What is it like or what is the focus? Just talking or shooting the shit? Aside from my outward situation in the local community I'd be scared of how I fit into a group....what is the focus?

Promise I'm not trying to be impossible, though I admit I feel impossible. I called my therapist...she could talk a bit, but I know she has her own life. I'm drowning a bit in trying to balance my life at the moment. I don't have close friends for support and don't expect any near-friend to pick up the pieces. Just wondering where it might be fair to look for extra support. And yet, realizing I might be basically alone here and I made my own shit hole.....

 

[Chava]

One semi-friend knows I'm struggling but I feel like I've dropped appropriate cues and she's not willing to help more than she can. Personally, I love that I can recognize this, so I rarely have bitterness or resentment..or ask for much help directly. But the isolation and void with my struggles is sometimes quite a powerful vice.

 

[joeylittle]

I've done NAMI peer groups. Usually, they are pretty good. Sometimes you need to go to a few different ones to find the dynamic that you like. Generally the moderator will steer the group to a topic, and make sure it's not too narrow, so that everyone can relate. There's no active therapy, but there can be tremendous support simply in being in physical space with other real live people who are struggling too.

I understand the fear of being recognized - I deal with it too. But think about it from an AA perspective for a second: everyone there wants help. Everyone there had to overcome some fear in order to get there. Mental health groups are the same. The only confidentiality thing I've ever needed to check on, when contacting a leader in advance, is to say: 'I teach at xxx university. I would be uncomfortable if any students from xxxx were in the group. Can you advise me whether I'd be ok coming to your group?' Only once did someone say, yes, possibly - and they were great about suggesting alternatives.

Go ahead and look em up, give it a shot (I say) :)

 

[Chava]

Thank you @joeylittle I think you hear where I'm coming from but also I am really...really rural. And really the only (whatever subject) teacher at two local universities. I fee uber exposed. Just one NAMI group listed. I could e-mail that person.

I just feel like a f*ck up for failing to create any kind of support network, community, or group of friends. I am a well-established member of AA. But locally (and probably elsewhere, and I'm not criticizing this point) it feels like I need to work in a structured way (steps) with another alcoholic. I've done the steps, paying back people I've ripped off, etc. I think I'm looking for people I can simply call if I simply feel like drinking, as pathetic as that may sound. But it's more black and white where I am. I respect that the structure helps people help others where we are supportive but not professional.

BUT. Somehow i'm not cutting it. i'm not sober atm. I'm not destructive. But I feel not other option for sleep (my MD is out of the office until Friday...which highlighted how f*cking fragile I feel). I have memories/feelings that don't feel normal or okay but I don't have a place for them right now, other than oblivion. It's too much. I'm super grateful to just show up and do my job, most of the time. Anything else = too much. How do you do it? I don't feel like I need time off, but like I am on the brink. I'm not connecting well (lifelong habit) but am feeling the push to either "normalize" (connect) or drop into survival mode, which means doing my job okay but kind of having zero feeling toward the rest of my life an numbing out pain on whatever med my MD allows.

 

[Crow]

I've been going to Emotions Anonymous. My groups don't have sponsors and all the other 12 step stuff that bug me.

Last night I went to my first Depression Bipolar Support Alliance meeting. I really liked it. Lots of discussion, feedback, crosstalk. The stream of consciousness was refreshing. There were several people with ptsd or cptsd and not bipolar. I'll definitely be going back.

 

[Chava]

I think I really just want to go to ER. And that's f*cked up

 

[Friday]

I just feel like a f*ck up for failing to create any kind of support network, community, or group of friends.

Reframe : You're starting fresh :)

After years of experience in AA & Formal therapy... You are now creating something new, for yourself... Standing on the shoulders of your past successes, as well as hard lessons, in other ares. You get to design an entire support structure based on what you want in your life!

 

[Friday]

I'm wondering what some of you do for support outside of therapy. ???

Step 1 : I don't discount myself. I am the number one person for myself to turn to in times of crisis (oh yeah, that does means I'm seriously f*cked sometimes ;)). I've gotten really dependent, even taken for granted, some things/people in my life from time to time. To the point where I'm not the first person I turn to, but the last (if at all... It has sometimes taken weeks of literally being on my own before I remember : Wherever I go? There I am. There is always at least 1 person to turn to, because I'm a person, too). So if Ive gotten really dependent on other, and they they're gone?!? Holy freaking gaping hole!!! FILL IT! Freak out! There's a hole, a hole, a hole.... Wait. No. Other people add to my life. They don't fill holes in my life. I may miss them desperately, but that's very much different from suddenly having a jagged void where they used to be. When I need support? I also need to remember that I am here, too.

Step 2 : What can I do to help myself? What have I learned? What tools do I have? How can I help myself?

Step 3 : Adding. This is more the classical "look" of support. Other people, organizations, activities, etc.

- Professional is easiest (for me) because it's very black and white. 31 flavors* of support offered at X price! All. About. Meeeeeeeee. (Like that's not scary. Snort. But it's also the most targeted, with the clearest boundaries, something I'm able to grok even when I'm a mess.) Okay. Pick a flavor. Maybe have to try a few flavors, but it's all. about. me. & what principles & personalities I want / what I need out of it. What I'm bringing to the table is cash. Pros can be just about anything. From mental health, to teaching _______, to providing a service, just about anything under the sun someone has a shingle set out offering to sell me what I need/want.

- Organizations are my next level. They aren't aimed at me but at target populations that I might share some things with. Okaaaaaay. What parts of myself need the most propping up & which organizations are in that bent? (That's how I found this site, btw. I had a military thing coming up, and my PTSD was going seriously sideways. I expected to be here -max- maybe a couple days. I only created an account because it would only let me read so many articles/posts at a time without signing up. So I did. And.... Wow. First the sister site, then here&there both, and my life has been hugely altered by them. A few days turned into weeks, and now a year, and I'm still learning!). Groups & Organizations can also be just about anything.

- Activities can be professional (I want something? I pay for it.), group based (paid or unpaid), something I do with individuals, or something I do on my own (like when I was in therapy & had a month off I spent about an hour doing the same stuff I did in therapy... Or instead of hooking up with a snowboard instructor -pro-, or getting together with a group of people, or asking a friend? I took myself & worked on things on my own... Or simply reading a book. Anything I don't need anyone for but me). Regardless of what the activity is? It's support... When it's healthy & helps me.

- Individuals come last in my personal hierarchy, because even if I'm seeking them out? I may just not have met them, yet. Individuals, IME, are based more in luck than any other area (and both professionals & groups/legs take a bit of luck, themselves! There might be a perfect Pro, or perfect Group... 3,000 miles away. It may take serious time to find ones that I like & help me. But they *do* advertise! Friends don't. It's sooooo much about luck and timing with friends!). Sometimes they're few and far between, while sometimes I'm suddenly up to my ears in people I like & admire, and could even grow to trust and love. I have far better luck when I am actively searching for people to add to my life, than waiting for them to simply show up (or seek me out), just on a numbers basis. Some of the best people in my life have simply appeared out of nowhere / the last thing I was looking for was a friend. But that's rare-rare-rare.

***

I am in the process of creating this -again- as we speak. So it's very much in the forefront of my mind. Especially needing to pull in the different layers and aspects, so I'm neither wholly dependent on myself, nor a few other things (which, strong or weak, don't give me a lot of wiggle room for losing them, without layers of other support there to catch me. When it's just myself? Legs knocked out from under me and I'm on my ass. Just myself & 1 other thing? That's super precarious if either get knocked out.). I used to have a pretty badass support structure, and it all went kaput! Mostly because it had gone up the first time on accident / a very organic process & I didn't value it. This time, I'm doing it on purpose.



* An American Icecream Chain: Baskin & Robbins 31 Flavors. Largely defunct, but hugely popular when most places offering ice cream had "only" chocolate, vanilla, strawberry... Baskin & Robbins was like a wonderland of choices.