How Do You Resolve The Emotion Of Shame ?

[oasis2003]

HI
I am curious how to resolve the feelings of shame, or being ashamed. For sadness I cry (if not too numb). How does shame feel to you big small? I cannot feel shame apart from sighing very deeply. It is a puzzling emotion to work with for me even though I have a lot of it. I am working on regulating emotions at the mo. I was just wondering if any of you had worked with emotions specifically shame.

 

[WillyKat]

I've struggled with this too. Shame is often confused with guilt. Guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong. It's often pretty specific, like "Doing x wasn't right, doing x was wrong." Shame is the feeling that there's something wrong with you, and is very general. It's the feeling that almost anything you do is wrong, because you're a bad person.

I think a lot of us w/ PTSD feel a great deal of shame. If we're abuse survivors, the abuse we suffered screamed in our ear that we were worthless and that there was something wrong with us. We internalize that and keep that feeling inside.

Once we realize that it was a giant turd shoved into our brain by the real bad person, we can begin to let the shame go. But it has to go farther than that. You almost have to re-examine your whole life, every turn of it, and recast it not as a bad person making a bad choice, but as a good person that's been messed with and did the best they could under the circumstances. We have to reject the negative narrative that was planted in our head and recapture the impression of ourselves that existed before it was abused.

 

[Anarchy]

One of our members put me onto some really interesting stuff by Raymond Bergner, on his academia.org page. It covers shame and humiliation and recovery from it.
Hoping you find something helpful in it.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Guilt is the feeling that you've done something wrong. It's often pretty specific, like "Doing x wasn't right, doing x was wrong." Shame is the feeling that there's something wrong with you, and is very general. It's the feeling that almost anything you do is wrong, because you're a bad person.

I really struggle with this distinction. Cognitively, I can see where it might make sense on some level. But it doesn't feel right.

If I do something wrong, for me personally, I feel deep shame, not guilt: "I did something wrong because I'm a worthless person."

And then the stuff that happened to me...it's much the same thing: "Bad stuff happened to me because that's my purpose in life. I bring experiences to myself that reflect my essence and my worth. So if this stuff happened to me (even as a small child), it's because the essence of who I am attracted that stuff to me, and therefore, I deserved what happened. No one else is at fault. I brought it on myself simply for who I am."

On some brainy, intellectual level, I "know" this isn't true. But on nearly every other level of my existence, I can't prove otherwise. This is my truth. This is my experience. I don't know how to think of myself any differently. Every time I've tried (many, many, many times over the last few decades), it feels wrong, untrue, incongruent with reality. It feels like I'm trying to deceive myself to believe that I didn't deserve what I got. To believe differently would be like trying to rewrite history...to change the objective facts of reality.

Sorry...I'm sure that doesn't help with your original question on how to resolve shame. I'm still at the stage of acknowledging the fullness of its effect on me...the depths to which it defines my existence. When I'm honest with myself, I don't believe I deserve anything different than what I got (even being conceived in marital rape...even being used on several levels from a very young age...even being brainwashed throughout my teenage years...all of that is simply who I am...it's too pervasive throughout my childhood to see myself any other way).

 

[Recovery4Me]

To believe differently would be like trying to rewrite history...to change the objective facts of reality.

Perhaps consider changing your current pattern of terminology of that of 'objective' into a reframed truth of 'subjective'. Often we self- flog to comply with our inner critic and twist our mindset to that of cognitive distortion in order to maintain a narrative. Be the editor: be the change.

 

[Chava]

Personally, having a therapist I've been able to gradually trust more over time has helped a lot here. I share bits and bits, things I feel a lot of shame around. And her response is always non-judging, compassionate, and even normalizes some of what seems like abnormal behavior on my part (normalizes in light of trauma). The fact that she doesn't dump me or run away screaming, but is very empathetic, seems to take a whole lot of steam out of the shame.

For me the shame is all the stuff I feel I can't share with anyone because it would let them know how horrible I am. So finding someone who trust to share with, who can listen and provide an empathetic response, helps a lot. Then I find myself responding similarly to some of my stuff...I'm not so quick to judge or beat myself up, but stay curious, and if it's not a helpful pattern or tipping towards harmful I look for more healthy and affirming alternatives. But it helps so much to be able to be open with someone about the stuff that carries the most shame.

 

[Dana1010]

One of our members put me onto some really interesting stuff by Raymond Bergner

Thanks so much for mentioning this. A while back I was looking for some good writing on this topic and came up with almost nothing. I just read a Bergner paper on humiliation that finally broke down that experience for me like no one else ever could. None of my therapists could even explain humiliation to me. I think it's so overwhelming, it almost shuts down cognition, and that's why you never seem to be able to understand it--I fall into a kind of swoon when it's activated. It was really helpful to have it explained to me, so now when I feel humiliation or shame, I at least have a base of rational understanding to run to before it swallows me up.

 

[Friday]

The only ways I've ever handled shame, is to either quit caring, or do better.

If I am ashamed of X? Then I keep doing X (or y -> x), until I can do it to my own satisfaction, or I quit f*cking caring about X entirely.

Non-Trauma Example) My credit score is scheisse. Yes. I could be ashamed of it. I'm not. It's trashed because of millions in medical debt & divorce. What were my other options? Not get my son the medical care he needed to live, or not divorce my abusive ex. f*ck that. Made the right choices, period. So I couldn't care less about my credit score, even with Valium. Had someone try & shame me recently about it & I laughed in their face. Let my kid die to protect my credit rating? Now that would be something to be ashamed of!!! Now, if there was a way to do both? Have world class medical care for my son and keep my formerly perfect credit? And I didn't think of it, know about it, do it, etc.? Then, yep. Might be some shame there. Which would need to be fixed by next time making the smart choice for both, instead of just the smart choice for 1. Learning. The antidote for much shame.

Semi-Trauma Example) If I am ashamed of my body? Then I can do better via exercise/surgery/etc., until I'm satisfied.

Trauma Example) Hello exposure therapy. Which is one, the other, or both of no longer caring or learning to do better.

...

If I can't fix it/learn from it, or not care about it? I'm f*cked. Nothing to do but wear it.
At least, as far as I've ever been able to figure.

 

[Suzetig]

For me the only way through shame is to talk about the things that feel shameful to someone who is accepting of all the parts of me. There are things I've been able to speak about first in therapy that I've then been able to talk to close friends about. Their care and acceptance helps to relieve the shame. In saying that, there's stuff I've never been able to talk about that feels too shameful but I'm starting to think about taking it to therapy because I know it helps. It's still the hardest thing to cope with for me.

 

[Ronin]

Depends what the shame's about.

I'm not super clear on shame, it usually blends with guilt and sadness. Guilt, I have all the 'it wasn't your fault' (nevermind that often hurts more than if it were, as it means no matter what I did, or would have done, would have helped).

Sadness, I have distracting it with something joyful, or close to it.

Shame itself, just acceptance, I think. Pride if it works, but a lot of things I'm ashamed of is also the ones I hold pride for that feel alienating me from a lot of humanity, so there's working on that. All the: you're just human, it's okay, messed up actions in messed up situations are normal, we're not there now. Support people are real good at showering me with that message any time I get lost.

Less important things? (Failing multiple schools, et cetera)? Ask me if I care. Somehow moved from the list of priorities. Motivation, sure. Priorities, not so much. A lot of things fueling my perfectionism are simply toxic for me, as when I start orienting by any of the society's Should's, I'm trapped, and when I am or feel trapped enough, I lash out badly. Which leads nowhere good.

Where I'm going with any of that right now is still to be determined. I just know where I'm not going. Good enough for the time's sake. Took me decades to figure that one.

 

[oasis2003]

hi
I feel numb or dissociated a lot of the time at the mo. I have been working on more emotional regulation, noticing my emotions and staying with them. I certainly know sadness, and disgust, but shame and anger is really difficult for me. During therapy I have been deeply sighing lots when discussing things I think this is shame for me a global feeling. I will look up Raymond Bergner thanks @Anarchy. I have a very strong negative internal dialogue which I am working on to try and make more positive, but after a life time of being told you are nothing it is hard to reverse. At the moment I think I am just stabilising I am depressed and v anxious all of the time. I cannot go there with processing trauma memories yet. I think resolving my shame etc is a long way down the road for me yet.
thanks for the responses.

 

[oasis2003]

Sorry I had to have my tea curry... I was just reading replies and thinking. Guilt and shame do seem close together. I always seem to feel ashamed of myself, whatever I do it does not seem good enough. Opening up to therapists about my traumas is too much at the moment, as soon as we discuss this I just immediately dissociate. Luckily the therapist that I have just being talking to is taking it very slowly. I can appreciate that telling another person who is non judgemental and compassionate would help a great deal in healing but I am not at that point at the moment. Yes I suppose wear your shame , walk in your own truth. I think the next step for me is to identify my shame, disgust is easy, but if I start to think of all the times where disgust happened then it overwhelms me and I dissociate. So you see the dilemma that is happening for me at the mo. Yes that we're all only human, not perfect and makes mistakes is a good way of looking at it. Except when expectations of care givers was perfection every time there is no pride to be had just shame, not being able to live up to what is expected of you, then the guilt for letting them down. It just causes sadness.