Can't Do It. Have To Break It Off

[Fuco]

It's the last thing I want to do. But I can't keep being hurt by him. Even though it's not intentional. He's just not capable of not pushing me away.

My issue is, I have to tell him a reason. I can't just say, oh I'm done. But I don't want to put it all on him, even though that's why I'm leaving. How am I supposed to do this. What do I say without making him feel even worse about himself? He's always talking about being a failure and a f*** up and this isn't gonna help.

I'm leaving bc of lack of attention, and the hot/cold behavior. It's been discussed many times, with no change. He'll say he'll do better, but he doesn't actually try. I'm sick of crying. I love him, but I need to feel loved myself.

 

[Hira]

I'm leaving bc of lack of attention, and the hot/cold behavior

I love him, but I need to feel loved myself.

Tell him that. And tell him YOU can't handle it anymore. It sounds like you think this is about his behavior.

But I don't want to put it all on him, even though that's why I'm leaving.

But, really, it's because dealing with his behavior isn't something you're up for right now. (Or maybe ever.) Is that right? His behavior is on him. How you respond to it is your choice. This is your choice. Just make the choice and take responsibility for it. Keep it simple, "I can't do this anymore because, !), 2), etc."

What do I say without making him feel even worse about himself?

Maybe you can't, but that is HIS choice. I'm assuming he has PTSD and that means he may not be making the best choices, but it's still his choice.

but he doesn't actually try.

Do you know that for a fact, or is it that you can't SEE that he's trying? Because it might be 2 different things.

 

[Fuco]

Tell him that. And tell him YOU can't handle it anymore. It sounds like you think this is about his behavior.

But, really...

Yes he has ptsd. No he's not trying. Nothing has changed. He pretty much acts like I don't exist outside a phone. I havent seen him in over a month. He'll say something like, this is me. Saying he isnt going to make time for me. I'm begging for attention and he refuses to give it.
But then I've tried to break up before and he starts making excuses and talking me out of it. Saying he's just scared of getting hurt.
He's taking me for granted.

 

[Mahap]

Saying he's just scared of getting hurt.

That might not be an excuse, it well might be true, but it's kind of beside the point.

For me, the best way to handle a break up is to go in with a plan. The plan includes both what I want to say and how I'm going to make my exit once I've said it. You have to break the pattern of confrontation, apology, excuses, nothing changes, repeat. So, if it was me? Make up your mind, tell him you've made up your mind. If you feel the need to explain (which, by now, may not be necessary) do that, then say good bye. And leave. And stick with it.

 

[Fuco]

That might not be an excuse, it well might be true, but it's kind of beside the point.

For me, the best way to handle a...

That's what I'm doing. Trying to plan what to say. And how I'll respond to what he says. I'm pretty sure I know what he's gonna say.
And I know he's scared. He has been hurt a lot. But ptsd only explains so much. The rest is him, not even trying. He's not even getting treatment.

 

[Sidum]

Not getting treatment is a good reason to leave.

Tell him gently but clearly the reasons why. Stay away from interpreting intentions, stick to his be cahoots and the feelings you have.

 

[Odezil]

Not getting treatment is a good reason to leave.

Tell him gently but clearly the reasons why. Stay away from interpreti...

He just absolutely refuses. He thinks he can fix it by himself.
He told me last week the reason he's acting like he is is because he's depressed. I told him i was done. So that makes me feel like I can't be like well still done. I know you're suffering but let me just make it worse leaving you.
So I didn't actually stop talking to him.

Sigh

 

[Rojal]

It is hard to walk away from a relationship when someone is hurting.

Right now, it may be the only thing that finally motivates him to get help.

Don't stay with him because he is symptomatic when he also refuses to get help - that almost always backfires for the sufferer and the supporter.

Right now, what he is doing is just working just well enough for him. You have to let him hit his rock bottom and allow him to feel the full pain of not getting help. You have to stop being there for him until after he gets outside help. Right now, he can reach out to you. He doesn't have to reach out to a therapist.

When I was avoiding treatment, the very best thing people did for me was communicate things like, "I care about you and I know how miserable you are. What you are doing now isn't working. I want to see hinge get better for you and I want to be in your life, but I can't be the only one fighting for your recovery and getting outside help and advice. In order for me to stay in this relationship, I need to see that you are getting outside help and support in the form of therapy. Otherwise, I can't stay in relationship with you."

And yes, I told people I was feeling so bad, because I didn't want them to leave. But it helped me when they did leave. I finally got my butt into therapy and eventually, those that left who were worth it, they came back into my life.

It is the hardest thing to communicate to a sufferer who is drowning under the weight of their symptom, and if it takes time before you can finally communicate your limits and boundaries to him, it's very understandable. But, if and when you can say you need to get treatment or I can't stay in relationship with you, at that point you will stop enabling his avoidance of therapy and possibly start facilitating his finally reaching out for therapeutic support.

 

[Kivilik]

It is hard to walk away from a relationship when someone is hurting.

Right now, it may be the only thing that finally m...

You're the second person this week ( the other was a vet, not on here) that told me leaving may make him get help.

Well i left. We fought. He said he didn't understand why I'm so deternined to "fix" him.
I told him he was hurting me. He said i hurt him. (by pointing out his actions hurt me. Was that a guilt trip?)
He said it didn't bother him to go without seeing people. Bc he got used to it with deployment.
So i was like well then it won't bother you to lose me.
He's like why would you say that.
I didn't respond. What would i say to that? We were arguing via text for an hour about the reasons i felt like that leading to the breakup.

 

[Wamaci]

:hug: It is probably a good decision to leave him until things change.

Does he seem to understand that you needed more contact and interaction in the relationship so that you felt loved and could stay in it?

Whatever he is used to doing on deployment probably does play a role in his way of relating to people now, but isn't how romantic relationships tend to work, or what you need, so there is a disconnect there. He probably is used to isolating more and being distant. You need something different and he has a choice to do that or you leave.

As far as the reasons for the breakup being discussed on text and the comments he made, these kinds of conversations are best had in person, on the phone if needed, but not on text.

A huge percentage of communication is non-verbal and I have never ever heard of a fight or argument being solved on text. Misunderstandings abound on text.

If you want to understand his perspective and statements better, pick up the phone and ask him to talk it through, or even better, meet in person.

He may not be willing, and if he is not, try not to argue it out on text. I think there are some very important non-verbals that you both may be missing.

Hang in there. :hug:

 

[Acawe]

:hug: It is probably a good decision to leave him until things change.

Does he seem to understand that you needed more...

Yeah if there was some actual communication it wouldn't have been text. But that's all i can get if i can even get him to respond.
That's why i did this.

And ive made it clear. Using exact words i want to see him. Ill say I'm just askimg to see you. That's all. Ive told him i missed him.
And as far as deployment hes been home four years.

 

[Uwoc]

You are doing really well with this under the circumstances and you have picked good wording to use.

Deployment being 4 years ago. Traumatic environments encode in the brain differently than non-traumatic ones. The time between the past trauma and now doesn't mean it will impact him any less.

Deployment or not, what you need is very legit and healthy. He's got a choice to do it, or get help so he can do it, or keep doing what he is doing and go through the pain of losing you.