Topics You Can't Touch With A Ten-foot Pole

[sun seeker]

Sorry if this is all over the place. I am not doing well at all.

I had a serious breakdown in August, and since then have been working with a very skilled trauma therapist who is also an alternative healer. In some ways we've made a lot of progress. But there is one topic we don't seem to be able to go anywhere near, and it is what I need to work on most urgently because it has destroyed my life. We've done some good work on what could be termed shock trauma, including sexual abuse and some other things including recovered memories.

But what I most need to work on is the trauma of abandonment and attachment in general. Some of the other stuff we've worked on could make a plot for a horror movie, so you wouldn't think I'd find attachment so much harder to face, but I do. I told him I didn't want to work on it until after we'd reached a particular milestone (it's complicated) after which we both figured it would be easier, i.e. there would be less emotional charge connected to it. But no. We tried to work on it last week and I have been a wreck ever since. I'd already told him I would not be able to work on it in the usual way (through developing trust in my relationship with him) because that in itself is a trigger. So we approached it from more of a spiritual angle (he's an alternative healer, we discuss spirituality, so this is appropriate).

It was horrible. He was asking me to consider the fact of impermanence. I went into the most wild kind of trauma release I've gone into yet, followed by freezing solid, and didn't feel like I resolved anything and only eventually put the issue on hold because we'd gone way overtime. I left so shaken, (literally - my body was acting like it was connected to a live wire for a while) that my body was aching all the next day.

And the timing is lousy, because he is away for three weeks. He said I could phone him in a few days. I couldn't. When I most desperately need help it's hardest to ask. So I e-mailed him. It took him three days to answer, for which he apologized, and gave me some advice about examining old beliefs and asking whether they still serve me. I could tell he was not getting the state I was in. I wrote back, having done my best to follow his advice, and explained that it wasn't working because I was so flooded I wasn't able to connect with a more mature part of me with access to new information, that I was as close to nonfunctional as I've been since the beginning of the breakdown, that I've been coping a lot of the time by staying in bed trying to deal with flashbacks and regression and taking benzoids, and I'm at a loss as to what to do because I still don't seem to be able to go anywhere near this topic.

That was two days ago and I haven't gotten an answer. I don't know if he is busy, doesn't want to be available when he is away, wants me to figure it out for myself, or what. Where my mind goes is because of the topic we are working on, he is fed up with me and will give up on me, because that's what people do. He has given me no reason to think he feels this way. But this is one of the places I feel on really unsteady ground. I don't know how I will ever be able to approach this stuff. Even talking about it reactivates me so much I want to run screaming. I have somatic symptoms galore. I feel extremely shaky in present relationships because it's nearly impossible to tell when something is bothering me because it's legitimately something I need to speak up about, or whether it is triggering me because of the past. I truly can't tell the difference, so I avoid addressing issues.

It seems like he wants to address it on a cognitive level, and I am nowhere near being able to do that. It's an emotional problem, and a trauma problem, and the trauma feels so big that when I get into it my body is completely flooded. So obviously I'm not ready to work on it yet. But I can't put life on hold until I'm ready, and I get triggered all the time, and I have no idea how to get to where I will be ready. Any approach I can think of feels like being thrown in the deep end.

I think I know the answer: more stabilization and grounding skills. And I'm meditating as if my life depended on it. It sort of helps, while I'm actually doing it. But life doesn't stop and wait for me while I'm trying to get to where I can look at this topic sideways with sunglasses on.

I have never met anyone who has been able to understand how huge this issue is for me or to what degree it triggers me. Go anywhere near it and I jump through the roof. The rest of my life is on hold, I can't think straight, my house is a mess because I can't even think my way through cleaning up. I feel like a really, really shaky, very traumatized, very young child.

What do you do with those topics you urgently need to work on but can't?

 

[Suzetig]

Sadly I don't think those ones can be worked on urgently, you can just chip away at them slowly. If you feel like a small child, treat yourself as you would a small child who has had a shock - warm blankets, snuggling, comfort food etc and let your system soothe. It will eventually calm but I find when I'm triggered like that me trying to push on through makes everything worse and prolongs things because I'm trying to fight myself, if that makes sense.

You said you had a breakdown in August, so you've been working with him for 3 months or so? That's not at all long to be starting to look at abandonment. I don't know if you're seeing him privately or have a limited number of sessions but the only way I've been able to soothe abandonment stuff is by slowly building, and learning to trust, the relationship. I've been doing that for almost 2 years and we've spoken all around my abandonment, feelings of not deserving safe relationships and fear of being left and yes there are times its triggered the same kind of reaction you describe. It's so horrible and can literally bring me to a standstill, for me I just couldn't treat it like my other trauma, I've had to take a more relational approach and soothe myself through the triggers. I've not even been able to explain to my T just how much the therapeutic relationship kicks up for me but despite not being able to articulate it, I know she gets it and she's very gentle.

In all honesty though part of what has been healing for me is her responsiveness. She never gets in to stuff in email or text but if I contact her she'll always reply within 24 hours even if just to let me know she's not available to reply but has heard what I've said. I don't contact between sessions often - maybe 5/6 times in two years but she's always made time for me. I know he's away but perhaps your T could have been more explicit about the kind of response, timing etc he could provide when he said for you to contact him because I can see how that would reinforce feelings of being abandoned.

I wish there were a quick fix for this but I don't know of one - I do get how you feel though and hope your system does start to soothe.

 

[laurainalameda]

I dilute them. Like l needed to be able to have a disagreement with my supportive husband without running screaming and crying from the house driving aimlessly for hours wondering if I could ever go home. While meanwhile he's like wtf when do I call the cops for a welfare check on her because I just asked if she realized she went over the data plan.

So my T suggested I practice having tiny disagreements with him and my husband. We started with bread. I like one kind of bread, husband likes another. We sat with a timer on for 5 min and each made our points about why our bread was better. When the timer rang, we stopped. I threw up. We continued like this until I was less riled up , working our way through jam, hamburgers, football, etc. After a couple of months we actually discussed the checkbook issues.

So maybe you could start with attachment to things instead of people, work your way up to memories or ideas, maybe there was one decent person in your life like a teacher or a friend's mom who was decent to you that you experienced attachment to.do you have a pet? Could you explore your attachment to them?

My humble and uninformed opinion is that your T went very fast for such a huge and difficult topic. And right before vacatio, too. My advice and recounting of my experience is free, and worth exactly what you paid for it, ie nothing. So ignore if I misunderstood the question. Laura

 

[Suzetig]

Btw, in answer to your original question my "ten foot pole" topic is sex - I need to talk to my T about something that has come up and which has triggered me all to hell (im wading through that frozen stuck response just now, in my bed, when I should be getting ready for work). I'm trying to figure out how I even say the words that I need to without triggering a response like she's never seen before - and she's seen me in a real state. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to tackle it, only that I know I need to.

 

[sun seeker]

If you feel like a small child, treat yourself as you would a small child who has had a shock - warm blankets, snuggling, comfort food etc and let your system soothe.

Yes, I've basically been doing that. It's hard when I am so flooded; I play the roles of soother and soothed at the same time. It's hard to describe. In one kind of flashback I seem to be toddler age based on the movements and noises I make. Then after a while of doing that and lying in a room with dim lighting and soft blankets (and clonazepam - often it takes that) I start to calm down a little and the frightened noises shift to more calming noises and the movements to repetitive stroking, like a small child trying to calm herself.

I'm familiar with inner child work, but can't seem to get enough distance to be the adult in this situation.

I don't know if you're seeing him privately

Yes, privately. It's worth it.

the only way I've been able to soothe abandonment stuff is by slowly building, and learning to trust, the relationship

That is a sticking point for me. I don't feel I would be able to do that. Unfortunately, there have been several relationships already in my life where I have begun to build trust and thought I was healing the past, and then things have gone badly. It's added layer upon layer to the original problem. So just to have someone say "things are different now" or "you're safe now" is a huge trigger all by itself. I've explained this to him, and that's why we are approaching it in a different way.

I don't know if I am deluding myself by thinking it is possible to approach attachment without actually working on it in the context of a relationship. Maybe so. The trouble is I don't see how I could ever do that, my reactions are so extreme and triggered by such small things. The only way I can see it is if I were in a safe environment with people around all the time to help me manage the triggers.

It's so horrible and can literally bring me to a standstill, for me I just couldn't treat it like my other trauma, I've had to take a more relational approach and soothe myself through the triggers.

If it isn't too upsetting for you, I'd like to know more about how you treat it differently from your other trauma.

Somehow, I get the feeling my therapist doesn't really understand what this is like for me, much as I have tried to explain.

maybe there was one decent person in your life like a teacher or a friend's mom who was decent to you that you experienced attachment to

Oh for sure, there have been lots of decent people in my life. The terror about abandonment - and it really is terror - is in me, not because people have not been nice to me. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop me being scared out of my mind that they will either leave me or die.

Hmm... my attachment to things and animals is different. This is a people kind of thing.

 

[sun seeker]

'm trying to figure out how I even say the words that I need to without triggering a response like she's never seen before - and she's seen me in a real state.

Yup. I can relate. Would writing it down and handing it to her make it any easier?

 

[sun seeker]

So maybe you could start with attachment to things instead of people, work your way up to memories or ideas, maybe there was one decent person in your life like a teacher or a friend's mom who was decent to you that you experienced attachment to.do you have a pet? Could you explore your attachment to them?

So what I was trying to say here, because I don't think I responded to this very well, was that my attachment issues come up when I get to a certain level of closeness with people. Relatively superficial relationships I can handle. There comes a point though, where I feel people are starting to see who I really am and accept that... and there are some other aspects to it that are harder to explain... when I become absolutely terrified that if I make one small mistake, one false move, they will either abandon me or die. So I am not like this with people I know casually or even with people I have known for a long time but for whatever complicated reason haven't formed an attachment to. It's an either/or kind of thing, not a continuum. It's a pattern that feels so strong, it's like it's written in my DNA in indelible ink.

I wish I could find a way to expose myself in small doses, which sounds like what you are describing. I'm just frustrated with this issue because it's so black and white. Either it isn't an issue for me at all with someone, or it's such an issue it feels like life or death. I'm not sure how to find a grey area to work with.

 

[Friday]

What do you do with those topics you urgently need to work on but can't?

Break it into smaller pieces, come at things from the side, & chip away. Easier said than done, usually.

Have you read through the thread on Exposure Therapy via Trauma Diaries? Writing and drawing aren't my natural mediums / I've always gone about the physical side of things... But I've been learning to work with them this year. Both mediums provide almost limitless ability to fine tune/break things down into manageable (aka low SUDS) pieces.

Either it isn't an issue for me at all with someone, or it's such an issue it feels like life or death. I'm not sure how to find a grey area to work with.

How much of "urgently" stems from this piece here? ^^^^

Meaning, is it actually urgent, or just feels urgent?

 

[Suzetig]

I've written stuff and handed it to her before and she works really well with that but this feels like something I need to articulate - I'm not sure why but it feels important to speak about it and trust her to help me put on the brakes when needed. I don't see her for 2 weeks so I've got time to work it out.

In terms of my attachment/ relationship stuff, I relate to everything you've said. Either people don't matter that much to me or the fear of me doing something to make them leave feels completely overwhelming. While I've touched on the fear stuff in therapy, it's differed from how I've dealt with other trauma in that I've not specifically gone into it too much. My T recognises my fear of making mistakes or getting things wrong and offers me a completely solid, consistent relationship and is explicit that she'll work with me on whatever I want, at whatever pace, for as long as it takes at whatever frequency of session. I have actively made a choice to go with that, so I've made a regular appointment and kept that even if I've then go and talk about nothing, or talk about the same thing for the hundredth time. I read somewhere that the important thing is to turn up, it almost doesn't matter what you talk about - it's about letting the relationship do the work, and I can see where that's working for me. It's very very slow, and sometimes doesn't feel like we're "working", at all in the traditional sense in therapy, but we are. There are times I've not been able to say what I've needed to and times I've wanted to peel my own skin off but I keep going.

I don't know if that makes sense but I've worked on the attachment stuff by forcing myself to be in a relationship. It's been very scary, triggering stuff - for about 6 months I couldn't cope with or accept any expression of care from her at all but I'm slowly getting better and starting to see small changes in my relationships with others. Interestingly enough, we've done way more work on my relationship with myself - my self opinion and how I talk to myself - than we have on my relationship with her. That has felt quite cognitive at times in that I've spent God knows how long arguing that I'm really truly rubbish. I've started to listen to what I say to myself and have heard for the first time just how cruel I can be - partly I expect others to be as harsh with me as I am myself, that's not all of it by any means but it's definately a factor. A few things have happened this week to where I see changes in that area of my life so something's shifting.

I don't know if any of that is helpful but I truly think the only way to heal relationship stuf is from within a safe therapeutic relationship.

 

[barefoot]

Not sure how much use I am to post as I'm not doing well and am all over the place at the moment too, but...

What do you do with those topics you urgently need to work on but can't?

I'm trying hard to accept that when I'm ready, it will come... This is what my therapist repeatedly tells me and every time she does, I think I sigh and roll my eyes. So, I'm trying to trust and accept that. I don't think I do trust and accept that at the moment - if I did, I don't think I'd feel so frustrated and disappointed with myself. But I'm trying to keep the intention of that acceptance on my radar.

Sorry, you're struggling - and I really feel for you that you're getting slow responses from your therapist when you're having a difficult time with this stuff.

 

[barefoot]

I couldn't cope with or accept any expression of care from her at all

I find this difficult too. But it's sort of a conflict I have about her....on the one hand, I really yearn for her compassion...I really want her to care...and on the other, when she says something kind/caring, I can't handle it and usually then say/do something that pushes her away and creates distance. I have lots of conflicts around her at the moment....I want to feel close to her/she feels too close, I want to see her/I want to stop seeing her, I want to share things with her/I want to keep her at arm's length and shut her down. Tbh, I don't really know much about attachment stuff...I don't think I have attachment issues, but I think I have some issues around intimacy (I don't think that's the same, is it?! Sorry to be ignorant!) I think I'm just currently battling the head f*ck that is therapy/the therapeutic relationship! And it's making my current wobble much more intense.

It's good to hear you have made progress around these areas @Suzetig

 

[Suzetig]

I feel your pain about the "want you close/argh that's too close" thing. I still struggle with it though yes, it does feel easier to let her near and actually I now feel better after those sessions where I've managed to tolerate her closeness and engage with that. It's so bloody hard though, I wouldn't believe how difficult it is if I wasn't going through it myself.