So, here's a bit of insight. I've never been suicidal, nor will i ever be, but in recent years i have been increasingly laden with anxiety. I'm a 23 year old female who had an awesome upbringing, was very privileged, saw my parents relationship almost end when i was in high school and then they built it back up and are stronger and happier than ever. I have everything to be thankful for, and nothing to be afraid of. That being said, it's not how our minds work. There is something inside us called the pain-body. It is essentially a part of us ruled by the ego that WANTS us to feel all the bad things in the world, and much like drugs and alcohol, we become addicted to it, because it's better than feeling nothing. Sometimes i just think about all the possible things that could go wrong in a situation and project the images in my mind for no reason at all. Car crashes, getting shot, my parents getting sick (theyre very healthy), my little sister back home getting raped...i mean you name it, it's come into my head. In my years of therapy and personal research, i have come to the step of awareness. I know it's all in my head.
The reason this caught my eye was because the way she is with you is how i get sometimes with my boyfriend. Even my other serious relationship i did this. We have these deeper rooted feelings of self loathing, whether its from a past experience (like in her case) or just made up in our own minds from paranoia, and we don't think we deserve anything good or stable. SELF-SABOTAGE is what this is. I will say this, the ages that we are are some of the weirdest times in life. We're still kids, but becoming adults and really experiencing what this life is for. Im no doctor, and obviously your girlfriend has some serious things to work through, but i can at least try and provide you with some personal insight. I may be completely wrong, but i have lashed out and had such extreme mood swings i thought i was bipolar. Well, i'm not.
My biggest suggestion is try your hardest to get her to go see a therapist, but remember you can't make anyone do anything. you cannot MAKE someone happy either. You can only give them everything you want, expect nothing back, and see what happens.
breathe. meditate through this for your own sanity, and send love and patience her way. Whatever you do, DONT think it's your job to fix her. YOU are truly all you have, and she needs to realize that for herself as well. Loving someone is an amazing gift, but it's not easy. No one tells you how to do it and there is no right or wrong, but without loving onesself first, there is no true love.
