Hello, I have some questions.....
I have a memory from when I was around 5-6 yrs old of a youth pastor 'taking me for ice cream'. In my Sunday school, the child to learn and memorize the most Bible verses got to go out with the youth pastor to Twistee Treat for ice cream. He picked me up from home and started to drive me there.....well, there was a beach near to my house that my Dad used to take me to and I opted to go there instead. As I was young and directionless, it took some driving around to find the beach but when we did, my only memory is of him parking near the coastline, putting his arm around my shoulders and saying to me "Now what???". My young self had no way of realizing this at the time but looking back, it was extremely creepy the way he said it. From there, I blacked out. Absolutely no recollection of the drive home or even years after that night. My memories from there (for a couple of years) became a blur.
Fast forward to around age 8 or 9 and I remember having fantasies of rape, or forced sexual situations. I had my first orgasm at the age of 10, self inflicted, completely by accident. I used to pretend I was being raped and forced into situations and even at such a young age, it turned me on..
I lost my virginity when I was 14 to a much older boy, got pregnant (my first time having sex) and lost the baby to adoption. I continued on a downward spiral from there. I became very promiscuous, sleeping with many, many boys/men/anyone really. Ended up hooked on many drugs, in an abusive relationship for 7yrs to a man who raped and beat me regularly and homeless for 3 of those years. Once I finally mustered the courage to leave him and get my life together at the age of 23, I met my (now) husband.
We have a very 'normal' and healthy relationship (comparatively speaking) our/my only dysfunction is that I have zero to no interest in sex what-so-ever. The thought of sex with my husband gives me anxiety to the point where I physically shake and my blood pressure rises. I'm no longer addicted to drugs but I drink.......WAY too much. I feel like it numbs me, like it's medication.
I also have an extreme unfounded fear of being in a car near the water and I feel that may be due to the fact that whatever happened (if anything DID happen) happened near the water in a car. I also have a fear of churches and a severe aversion to anything relating to religion. I have had constant reoccurring nightmares, very strange dreams and high amounts of anxiety for seemingly no reason.
Tell me, DID something happen that night with my youth pastor? How do I find out and how do I heal my marriage and find out to SAVE my marriage??? I'm desperate bc I don't expect my husband to remain in a sexless marriage for much longer and we have to young children to think of.
Please, please help.
I have a memory from when I was around 5-6 yrs old of a youth pastor 'taking me for ice cream'. In my Sunday school, the child to learn and memorize the most Bible verses got to go out with the youth pastor to Twistee Treat for ice cream. He picked me up from home and started to drive me there.....well, there was a beach near to my house that my Dad used to take me to and I opted to go there instead. As I was young and directionless, it took some driving around to find the beach but when we did, my only memory is of him parking near the coastline, putting his arm around my shoulders and saying to me "Now what???". My young self had no way of realizing this at the time but looking back, it was extremely creepy the way he said it. From there, I blacked out. Absolutely no recollection of the drive home or even years after that night. My memories from there (for a couple of years) became a blur.
Fast forward to around age 8 or 9 and I remember having fantasies of rape, or forced sexual situations. I had my first orgasm at the age of 10, self inflicted, completely by accident. I used to pretend I was being raped and forced into situations and even at such a young age, it turned me on..
I lost my virginity when I was 14 to a much older boy, got pregnant (my first time having sex) and lost the baby to adoption. I continued on a downward spiral from there. I became very promiscuous, sleeping with many, many boys/men/anyone really. Ended up hooked on many drugs, in an abusive relationship for 7yrs to a man who raped and beat me regularly and homeless for 3 of those years. Once I finally mustered the courage to leave him and get my life together at the age of 23, I met my (now) husband.
We have a very 'normal' and healthy relationship (comparatively speaking) our/my only dysfunction is that I have zero to no interest in sex what-so-ever. The thought of sex with my husband gives me anxiety to the point where I physically shake and my blood pressure rises. I'm no longer addicted to drugs but I drink.......WAY too much. I feel like it numbs me, like it's medication.
I also have an extreme unfounded fear of being in a car near the water and I feel that may be due to the fact that whatever happened (if anything DID happen) happened near the water in a car. I also have a fear of churches and a severe aversion to anything relating to religion. I have had constant reoccurring nightmares, very strange dreams and high amounts of anxiety for seemingly no reason.
Tell me, DID something happen that night with my youth pastor? How do I find out and how do I heal my marriage and find out to SAVE my marriage??? I'm desperate bc I don't expect my husband to remain in a sexless marriage for much longer and we have to young children to think of.
Please, please help.
