Indefinably Sad..

[MysticRose]

Hi,

I'm not sure where to place this, because it touches more then one subject. But since my main problem seems to be my depression and sadness, I decided to place it here.

Since the summer, I've been going up and down a lot. Been admitted 7 times for a weekend, because I wasn't able to cope at home.. Changed medication even more times because nothing seems to work. Been having insomnia since July, without any solution. With that came the troubles being a mom, or maybe I should say: feeling a (good) mom.

Then everything seemed to go better. I quit taking medication, which caused a lot of physical problems, but soon I felt a little more stable. That made me quite happy, and as usual, too positive.

I should've known it wasn't going to last very long, because now I'm more depressed than ever. It seems that whatever I do, whereever I go to, I feel undefinably sad and lonely. Even though I've just had a good conversation with someone I know (I can't call anybody my friend, I have no friends), even though I've just had a day-long therapy (which started 3 weeks ago twice a week).. My days are overshadowed by this. I can't put my finger on it. But it's drowning me, holding me down, keeping me imprisoned in myself.

It started before my new therapy, so that's not the main cause, but I think the therapy makes me more vulnerable and unstable. Should I try medication again? Should I find some support next to my therapy? Should I just stay in bed and pull my covers over my head? It frustrates me, because I cannot enjoy anything anymore. And I'm always annoyed towards my kids and husband. They know what I have, and they know that when I'm being cold or short to them, it's not because of what they do, but because of what my head does. I'm lucky that they seem to understand a little, or at least cope.

Can I just say: life sucks?

 

[MysticRose]

It's a bummer that there have been no replies at all..

 

[Chava]

but soon I felt a little more stable. That made me quite happy, and as usual, too positive.

I've gone through cycles like this. It helps me to work more with present moment and feel okay with feeling okay (I do get scared by feeling too good...like it will all blow up in my face). The sadness won't last forever, but neither will the happiness, so what makes life tolerable in this moment.

Sometimes I am going one hour at a time. Everything changes in time, though I lump all time together when stressed and tell myself it's horrible always and will never change. Slowly things have changed for me, but the progress is slow and I have to be a little more patient and reflective in noticing that sometimes. "Sad" doesn't scare me or trap me so badly anymore.

If you are in therapy, things should change but the process might be slow and it's good to find little ways to practice compassion towards yourself and the process along the way, even if just finding one thing you enjoy and allowing yourself to do it without out assigning any expectations for sadness or happiness, but just doing something you enjoy for the moment (a walk, reading, a comedy, whatever you can think of that feels okay to you).

Should I try medication again? Should I find some support next to my therapy? Should I just stay in bed and pull my covers over my head? It frustrates me, because I cannot enjoy anything anymore.

It sounds to me like you've made perhaps too many med changes in a short while. I'm not a professional. But consider a new doc if you've been through the med ringer. I'm not sure what you've been on but the standards for depression (SSRIs) do not work well for me. But some alternatives have helped some, meds in other classes (like gabapentin, which is actually an anti-convulsant, but can also help some people with mood...just one example). Small doses might be helpful than large doses and hope for relieving all difficulties through medication. Maybe small doses of medication to experiment, but making sure it's tied to work through therapy. And also finding support outside of therapy and things/resources that help. That's extremely important...whether social support, exercise, activities that help, comfort or safety....

And I'm always annoyed towards my kids and husband. They know what I have, and they know that when I'm being cold or short to them, it's not because of what they do, but because of what my head does

They might "know" but kids don't usually "understand" this really. Is there a calm way to take a break, go for a walk? Anything?

It's a bummer that there have been no replies at all..

Takes time. We're all on different time zones and some days are just slow. Don't take it personally.

Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad. Actively look for activities or things that help contain or comfort those feelings. That's been a difficult process for me, has taken time (music, walks, holding soft things, simple distractions, calling a reliable support person...all has taken time and commitment for me to notice what helps...so maybe first committing to it as a process and forgiving yourself for how you feel and taking care of yourself vs hoping to get rid of all bad feelings really soon and forever)

 

[strangelings]

i can relate. it's been really rough for me too, though for me i have more of a- clear idea? what's going on with why. it does sound like an awful lot of med changes in a short period- did your doc know about stopping your meds? and can i ask about the day long therapy- do you mean like a group program or something? if it's intense it could be bringing things up, which isn't bad neccesarily but...

also for me the holidays and family things make things really hard, and i tend to get depressed this time of year.

 

[MysticRose]

Thank you for replying.

did your doc know about stopping your meds? and can i ask about the day long therapy- do you mean like a group program or something?

Yes, my doc actually changed all the medication herself and then decided none of them worked.
And yes, I have a group program. Which I've never done before. Which is good for me, it works well. But it makes me feel vulnerable and unstable as well. I started 3 weeks ago, but that indefinable sad feeling has been ongoing for months. It seems to get worse now though.

They might "know" but kids don't usually "understand" this really. Is there a calm way to take a break, go for a walk? Anything?

I'm aware of that. My oldest daughter does seem to understand, she wants to take the pressure away. But of course I don't want to harm either of them, or give them too much responsibility. When it gets too bad, I go out for a walk. That clears my mind a bit. It never seems to work for too long, though.

I used to think it was just me being crazy, all these indefinable feelings. Melancholy. Feeling completely empty, yet feeling everything that's possible. The loneliness, even when I'm in crowded places or with a friend. But now I'm diagnosed with C-PTSD and I talk to others in my therapy group, there seem to be more people with this. That's kind of a relief..

 

[Chava]

But now I'm diagnosed with C-PTSD and I talk to others in my therapy group, there seem to be more people with this. That's kind of a relief..

It is for me too. I'm not "crazy" (well, maybe sort of nuts sometimes :):blackeye:)...I'm not, as I believed forever, fundamentally f#*ked up. A lot of my deep habits, including the isolative and destructive ones, make sense in light of how I had to develop and cope when younger. It's hard to change now. But realizing this helps me be patient and also more aware of what I need sometimes. Knowing it all falls under complex trauma, and learning more about that...it does seem to help make a lot of things clear and help me learn more about what personal choices make sense.

Patience with the sad feelings. They don't last forever, but they do make the present seem way too long and stuck sometimes.

 

[laurainalameda]

Well, when I get like this, I try to stick to one simple goal at a time. Get dressed. Good. Eat. Good. Get fresh air for five min. Good job! Go to therapy. Triple yay!. I tried to keep in close contact with my therapist and doctor, not think to much about the future, and just do one simple thing at a time. Don't over think anything, just stick with the basics. Don't make quick decisions. Hang in there.

 

[kona355]

@MysticRose - What laurainalameda wrote about one simple goal at a time is the way I survived for several years before getting help. I couldn't do the 'just one day at a time' thing. But, one minute or one simple goal at a time, sometimes nothing more than just sitting up in bed; then maybe shower or eat; get dressed, etc. I strung the days together like this for some unending days of no energy and feeling like I was in the center of a mental cyclone.

Even though I gave up at times trying to sort it all out, eventually I entered therapy and one of the first things my T focused on was my incessant analyzing. It's normal, he said, to want to analyze the confusion. It's a means of trying to find an escape and get back to 'normal.' All it did to me was send me down a deep dark spiral and keep me there until my T figured a way out.

If you can just do one thing consistently during these days, it's this: do not give up. I know it's a worn-out cliché, but I actually found power in this simple, yet difficult, precept. It was my lifeline throughout all the trying days of therapy, the dark days of depression and hopelessness, and the despair that would like wash through me all the time.

Link Removed is right about being patient. I never really felt patient, I just tried to rein in the feelings of being so impatient when sick of the sameness that depression and sadness beat me down with.

But since my main problem seems to be my depression and sadness,

Last thing to share: during therapy I discovered something positive about my sadness, that it was a sign, of sorts, that my mental state still functioned enough to recognize that portions of a normal, safe, life were missing, taken from me by abusers. I used to think, as a child, it was all my fault.

It may not make sense and still seems odd to me even now, but somehow sadness reminded me of what I wanted and even needed, like joy, hope, peace, and became a gauge I used when striving to heal. Sadness was like a hunger I think, urging me to find mental nourishment in counseling, that I desperately needed. I'm sorry if all this makes little sense. The cyclone has started swirling again.

Just know you're really not alone and there's power in the encouragement of others, just by staying connected here.

 

[Sassafras]

It's a bummer that there have been no replies at all..

Hi,

I'm not sure where to place this, because it touches more then one subject. But since my main pr...

Dear mystic rose,

I feel for you. I really do. I struggle so similarly but I'm not a mom or wife. I think it's would be more difficult. A psychiatrist I saw once said to keep doing what I was doing as it seems to be helping. That was after I had like you tried and changed meds, therapies,.....

It's going to be fine truly. Once you get the right quantities for your soul soup.

It seems each of us needs a particular set of ingredients to feel just stable. Now..... I am supported 2hrs every other day. I see my GP every 4weeks she i s profound and gets me. So many years of silly GPs.

But... I don't work and no one needs me to be well..... So glad your family is understanding.

My sadness is overwhelming --often---what helps me is I go to private ballet class each week. It is my true love. Is there a physical activity that in anyway feels nice? Something from childhood? If you can afford I think one to one best. Something about feeling so fragile. Salsa dancing lessons? I feel deeply something about music and physical movement ignites something good deep inside ones body; so the head is not too needed.

Really hope my reply helps.

Love Sass