Stopping Suicidal Actions While Dissociated?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I disappeared for a while, but now I'm back, apparently.

I'm struggling with losing track of time still, something that hasn't really changed over the years. But what has changed are my dissociated actions.

I'm suicidal. I know that, and I've been fighting hard and seeing my therapist for two hour sessions twice a week. But things aren't getting better. As long as I'm stable, secure, grounded, I know I want to live.

But then there are times that I lose track and dissociate, and I snap back into it halfway through doing something scary. Letting my car drift into incoming traffic. Emptying my prazosin into my hand and holding it, imagining how many of would take to stop my heart. Holding kitchen knives to my wrist and miming the action.

When I started to tell my therapist about this, she panicked a bit and told me that I was at the limits of what she could tolerate on an outpatient basis and if I couldn't stop the thoughts she would have to refer me into a higher level of care, since my ideation has crossed over into actual behavoirs. I'm panicking now, because I didn't even tell her half of it, for one, and because I can't take time out from work (the devastation would be immense) and I can't afford it, and I don't want to be in a hospital. And, I'm panicked because I don't know how to stop things that are happening when I'm totally unaware.

How do I make this end?

 

[Changing4Best]

I've attempted suicide once. I nearly died, but I don't think I was in a dissosiative state, as I recall what I did and am aware of how it nearly killed me (I was unconscious for about 10 days, because I took 4 months worth of my psych meds. It was only by the grace of God that I survived). If I catch myself thinking suicidal ideas and I can't kick them in the teeth within about 10 minutes, I get myself committed. So far I have been successful at knowing when to be hospitalized and I was able to take the time off, because I was homeless at the time and applying for Disability (governmental financial aid, which I receive now). I have been free of hospital visits now for quite some time, years. I'd suggest that you listen to your therapist. Your life is more valuable than a job or anything else, for that matter. Do what is wise, and do not think of the consequences. God will take care of your life and your needs. Trust Him and your professionals, because you pay for their opinions!

 

[Notmywayguitar]

Do you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior? Do you know He loves you with an everlasting love?

Ask Him to come into your life and rescue you! He will, trust Him with your life, He's trustworthy and reliable.

Praying for you!

I disappeared for a while, but now I'm back, apparently.

I'm struggling with losing track...

 

[shimmerz]

seeing my therapist for two hour sessions twice a week.

Perhaps this needs to be toned down. It sounds like you are dissociative when these things happen..... that may be happening because of the stress of your therapy. Can you ask your therapist to ramp it back a bit? Or work on dissociative coping strategies?

When I was in the throws of my dissociative behaviour I would literally tie myself to the bed at night time as I tended to wander out into sub zero temperatures in the evening and drop in a ditch somewhere. Who knows why. Not sure if this is helpful or not....

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I know my life is (theoretically) more important than a job, but I've always derived any and all meaning from my work. And, without saying too much identifying information, I'm in a career that is so cut throat and intense that I just can't take the time away without it impacting me for years to come.

And @shimmerz, I've been wondering that ... Maybe more time to practice grounding, etc is more helpful than spending time in the therapy office ....

 

[shimmerz]

I know my life is (theoretically) more important than a job, but I've always derived any and all meaning from my work.

So important... I agree with this. Losing my career made things immeasurably worse.

More time grounding is MUCH better than being in the hospital where the experience may add to the trauma. Try and be as independent as you can be.... but there is a line.... be very careful not to be irresponsible.

I used to take time off from my therapy at times when my symptoms ramped up.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Try and be as independent as you can be.... but there is a line.... be very careful not to be irresponsible.

This is hard. Where is the line? Is it when I think about holding the knife, when I hold the knife to my wrist, when I mime the action, when I start actually hurting myself?

I wish there was a more solid set of guidelines. And I wish for the impossible, which is more flexibility with my therapist to talk about these things and not worry about getting committed accidentally.

 

[shimmerz]

This is hard. Where is the line? Is it when I think about holding the knife, when I hold the knife to my wrist, when I mime the action, when I start actually hurting myself?

Can you buy a toy knife? The brain may not know the difference. No chance of hurting yourself with it. Can you stop driving? How committed are you to taking responsibility for these actions? What are you willing to adjust to make certain that you are safe?

A couple of questions if that is okay.
I have a thing about being without a place to go (home). Last weekend my spouse told me something about the homeless (a HUGE trigger for me). I recognized after the fact that I started to plan my death. I will live 'in this spot under this bridge', 'I need to die, how can I do that?' kind of stuff.

The thing is, I can catch it now before I act on it. That is a really good thing. I used to just wander outside to freeze or broil to death. But I was surprisingly detached from the outcome of such actions. I knew what I was doing, but was incredibly unaware of the end result. I believe this was because I was in such a regressed state that I had no 'knowledge' of the ultimate outcome of my actions.

1. Are you aware at the time what you are doing?
2. Do your thoughts through these times seem very detached (almost like you have no idea who is doing it)
3. When did this start?
4. Are you on any new medications or off of other medications?
5. Is there someone in your life that can 'watch you'?
6. Is there anything that you can see that is triggering this thought pattern?
7. How often does this happen?

Not certain if you are DID or if you know about the posts on here about Structural Dissociation. That might be a good place to start. Knowing that just a 'part' (EP) of yours is running the show temporarily might help it feel not so 'big' to you when it happens and may give you a solid step up with your therapy and how you deal with the situation when on your own.

Please note, I am not recommending that you not address this .... I certainly don't want to see you fall. Not in any way. I understand how horrific these events are and the alternatives to getting help from hospitals, as they do not always address things (imho) in a helpful way. But I want you to be alive, safe....

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I can't stop driving - it's how I get to work. i've already stopped driving as much as I can, aside from working. I've been trying to cut down on anything that could be dangerous, but some of what is happening just can't be avoided without drastic measures. I don't think the answer is getting rid of means, but figuring out solutions to keep me from checking out so much.

Some answers -
1. Are you aware at the time what you are doing?
Sometimes - but sometimes I catch myself partway through. I've been lucky that nothing has gone too far/I'm terrified that I won't catch myself one day and it will go too far.

2. Do your thoughts through these times seem very detached (almost like you have no idea who is doing it)
Yes. I feel unreal, and that unreality makes it seem like it doesn't matter. It makes me feel dead, and like the action is just completing what is already a fact - killing my body, finally. I know this sounds crazy. When I'm grounded I know this isn't' true. But in those moments? I can't remember this.

3. When did this start?
It's been going on for my whole life. It's ramped up in the last few months, following trauma anniversaries this fall.

4. Are you on any new medications or off of other medications?
Just started prazosin. I'm sleeping better, but the increased energy is making me restless and that restlessness combines with terrible thoughts is making me nervous.

5. Is there someone in your life that can 'watch you'?
No. There isn't. I live alone. My family isn't an option. I don't feel like I can ask my friends.

6. Is there anything that you can see that is triggering this thought pattern?
I'm trying to figure that out, but aside from work stress, I can't quite figure it out.

7. How often does this happen?
Anywhere from once a few times a week to a few times a day ...

 

[shimmerz]

Just started prazosin. I'm sleeping better, but the increased energy is making me restless and that restlessness combines with terrible thoughts is making me nervous.

This ^^^^^ Can you tell me more about this? Does the timing of this work out..... Is it possible this is exaggerating your symptoms?

 

[laurainalameda]

Do you know how to ground yourself? Can you stop and ground every 30 min or an hour so you don't slip into dissociation? If you do this regularily, you will begin to ground automatically, and you will learn the subtle cues that you are getting flooded, and at risk for dissociating

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

This ^^^^^ Can you tell me more about this? Does the timing of this work out..... Is it possible this is exaggerating your symptoms?

I'm not sure. I think as long as I am exhausted, I'm somewhat sedated (accidentally, of course). It's been less than two weeks. I haven't noticed a pattern yet, and the suicidal behavoir started before then. I'll try to pay attention and see if there is a pattern at all.

@laurainalameda I do know about grounding. I haven't set an alarm for that often to ground, but that's a good idea. Thank you. I don't know how to incorporate that into my day when I'm working, but as long as I'm home, it might be a good strategy to try.

As an update, I haven't done anything scary today at all, although I haven't left my apartment, either.