Fight Or Flight Symptoms Running Amok Since Therapy Session, Now I'm Scared I Will Ruin Therapy

[Justmehere]

My therapy session on Friday stirred up symptoms on purpose around processing a particular traumatic event when I was 16. Most of the time this type of therapy leaves me with huge symptom reduction. It gets rid of triggers over time. It comes with the risk of symptoms being worse for awhile, as is typical of most forms of trauma therapy. I left the office as grounded and calm as possible, but I was a nervous wreck. I have been extremely symptomatic since. I keep thinking a lot of the same thoughts now that I had as a 16 year old. I know I an adult, but I am responding to my life like the traumatic event happened just yesterday, and I'm responding in the same way I did when I was 16, only with less dissociation than when I was 16.

Today I was triggered by the very smallest thing while working. I am a contractual employee, so my schedule is flexible. I ended up rescheduling most of my commitments today.

I had to make a follow up call about a personal matter, and I lost all composure. I felt so panicky. It came out as anger. My response would have been fitting if my life was in danger, not just that someone was being a jerk on the phone. I ended the call and later called back to apologize. It went over ok, I guess, and the matter was resolved. I guess.

But now I'm really crashing. I'm wanting to do anything to not feel what I am feeling... anything. I put all my medications in a place that is cumbersome to get to, just to slow myself down from impulsively taking anything. I'm judging the heck out of myself for needing to do so.

I believe I am a horrible person, for a lifetime of screwing up. I tried to walk to the grocery store, while listening to an audiobook to distract, and I couldn't tell you what the story was about. My mind kept thinking of all the crap things I have done in life. It's like I am torturing myself.

I'm entertaining suicidal thoughts. I am not going to act on them in any way. I just want to not exist. I want to not be in the world anymore. I don't want to inflict my existence on anyone anymore. My therapist and I talked on Friday about not wanting to exist as a kid, and how it was what my father really wanted... It's like I have taken that distorted thinking to a deeper level. I really believe it.

My therapist is about to go on vacation, but I have an appointment with her first thing in the morning. She is coming in just to see me. I emailed her this weekend to say I was struggling... I haven't told her how bad today is. I know I need to tell her, but I am convinced she will quit if I do. I keep thinking I need to pull myself together so I can tell her I had a bad day, but I got through it and got to a better place on my own by doing xyz.

I know a million "skills" I could do, but none of them seem to be working. My father was right. I want to stop breathing.

I know, somewhere in me, that well, horrible people should work hard to be better. That's what I am doing. I am failing.

Even as I write this, I am thinking "ugh, don't say this. This is horrible to say. I am such a problem." I can't believe I am worth caring about. I can't.

I typed an email to my therapist to cancel therapy tomorrow. I don't want to go. I am going to be a problem. I am so scared I am going to lose my sh*t and breakdown and cry or worse, get triggered and run out or yell at her or tank the whole session somehow. I am really scared I will sabotage therapy tomorrow. I rather not go than go and ruin all of it.

My last therapist, who was just as amazing if not more so than my current therapist, told me I only made one mistake, one mistake, and that our abrupt ending was not all my fault, she was already triggered and she thought she could handle it if I did what I did, and that many clients do the same thing but somehow, for me, she couldn't so it and I "handled the relationship well the entire time, except for just one mistake" ... I did make one mistake. It ruined everything.

I always made one small mistake at home that would trigger my father into violent days long rages. Days long. He would even keep me home from school as punishment as he raged more. "You need to obey when I tell you how to load the dishwasher."

I'm in tears. I feel so scared, of everything, mostly of myself. I don't know quite what I am scared of. I don't know what to do. I don't trust my decisions at all right now. I know I need to tell my therapist, but I don't know how or what to tell her. Any feedback or thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

[Chosen]

Go to therapy...you need the support, and I pray that your T can see the hurting you instead of the warrior you. *hugs*

 

[oasis2003]

@Justmehere I am so sorry that you feel like this :hug: if you accept. The feelings will pass. I often cannot access my coping strategies when overwhelmed so you are not alone. I have been told to try and tell myself when triggered, flashing back, having body memories etc. to say this is a memory it is not happening now and notice all the things that are different than in the flash backsuch as I am 46 not 7 or whatever age you were and notice three things in your environment see, feel, hear to try and ground your self . some times however I just get overwhelmed too.!! I hope this may help a little take care :)

 

[Kailani]

Hi JMH, sorry you are going through such a hard time!!!!! Hugs to you if you want them!!!!!!! This trauma stuff sucks and your reaction is normal! Your therapist should be trained to handle your symptoms and help with how your feeling for your job. It may be a good appt to process and cope and not tackle more at this time. If you really feel strongly to not go though that's your call. She shouldn't quit on you cuz you have symptoms!!!! What kind of therapist does that??!!! It's called a referral to a more specifically trained trauma or ptsd therapist. I had a day like that with flashbacks and grounding wasn't working- could just cry in pain. Thank God it was a day and not a month, a week. Each day is a new day and hopefully your days ahead will be easier for you!!!!! I can totally relate to not wanting to exist too. I think part of that for me is tape recorder msg from past and part coping and reality. It's really hard to distract yourself when you are in the middle of a hard time but maybe you could spoil yourself a little for people on the forum who care about you- there are lots. I especially love your posts. You take care and hopefully you'll have some better moments soon.

 

[oasis2003]

I t is your choice to do therapy or see your therapist you do not have to go if it is making you feel worse.

 

[RavenGirl]

What ever you do, DON'T cancel your session tomorrow. You need to go in and talk to your T.

My last therapist, who was just as amazing if not more so than my current therapist, told me I only made one mistake, one mistake,

Sorry, but I don't believe that you made a mistake that ended your relationship with your T. Maybe she wasn't strong enough to handle what you needed her to handle, but she never should of put that guilt on you!!:mad: I feel she should of just admitted that she wasn't professionally equipped to handle the situation and helped you find someone more qualified.

I always made one small mistake at home that would trigger my father

I know it's probably hard to believe with how you are feeling right now, but it wasn't your fault. It was your father just looking for one little mistake, so he had any reason to rage and take it out on you. Try not to let Dad win this time!! If you can't tell your T all of this, how about letting her read your post? I found it's usually easier for me to let my T read things I've written than to have to say them. Hang in there, you are a beautiful person and the world would be missing a little piece without you. ♡ I hope things get better. ( :hug: if you'll accept )

 

[scout86]

Boy can I relate to most of that!

I am really scared I will sabotage therapy tomorrow. I rather not go than go and ruin all of it.

This is hard! And I know that feeling too. It's even harder because of what happened with your last T. It seems like you aren't far enough away from that, yet, to be able to see it real accurately, in a bigger picture kind of way. How much have you talked about it with your current T? Enough so she understands what a big deal this is?a

but I am responding to my life like the traumatic event happened just yesterday, and I'm responding in the same way I did when I was 16,

That's the thing that seems to give me the most trouble the most often. Sometimes just reminding myself, over & over, of the logical realities "I'm an adult, I can take care of myself, my life isn't really at stake" helps. Sometimes hearing it from someone else (like my T) helps.

I know I need to tell my therapist, but I don't know how or what to tell her.

Maybe this is a time where just sharing that post with her would be a good start? You're right, you need to talk to her, and to come up with a plan for getting through her vacation.

My T says (often) "I wish you could avoid getting distracted with worrying about doing something 'wrong'." You too, maybe? A lot of the time, there is not "right or wrong" there just is what "IS". "Right & wrong" are constructs, based on someone's opinion or likes and dislikes. It's not really the grand cosmic law it appears to be. Or that some want you to believe it is. They always have reasons of their own for wanting you to believe it.

Hang in there!

 

[Justmehere]

I just got home from an routine doctor appointment and someone broke into my apartment.

I'm completely melting down. I emailed my therapist but I think she missed the email. She wrote "see you tomorrow" on a different email thread. The police and apartment security officer and maintenance guy all seem angry at me, even though they are not. I have no way to get to therapy tomorrow. I am having a total nervous breakdown. I don't know if I can text or call my therapist or not, o think I can I just never have.

I am crying so hard, I can't stop. My dog was home but I left her in her kennel. She isn't much of a guard dog as she is a service/guard dog.

I am falling apart. I can't even think straight. There is no danger. I just have no wallet, no computer, etc, everything I need and use for work is gone, I can't afford to replace this stuff, I can't even figure out if I have renters insurance coverage, I can't get to therapy at 7:30 in the morning.

 

[RavenGirl]

@Justmehere , I'm sorry to hear what happened. Hang in there, this day can't last forever. It may not seem like it now but it will get better.

 

[scout86]

I don't know if I can text or call my therapist or not, o think I can I just never have.

For something like this? I'd be really surprised if calling her was a problem. I hope you can find a way to get to the appointment, but you NEED to call her about the appointment, right? That's standard and could in no way be considered out of line. (By a normalish person anyway.)

Sorry this happened! (And really glad your dog is ok!)

One step at a time. Contact your T should be step #1. You're welcome to come sleep at my house tonight. I know it's not practical, but I wish it was. Anyone there you can call? (BTW, all those guys probably WERE angry, but not at you, at the crooks.) :hug:

 

[Panda Bear]

You must find a way, can you? You need another session if at all possible. I'm sorry this is happening, you've done nothing wrong. Been in this position before, many times. Felt grounded, shaken, but okay, only to have it get way worse and make me not able to cope. It happens! So ,any times, please don't be angry at yourself.

 

[Justmehere]

Im responding from my phone so this will be a short response until I can type more.

Thank you everyone who has so kindly responded. I don't know where I would be without your kindness tonight. I did finally text my therapist. No response, but at least she has a text and will hopefully see it whenever she does. I found a way to the appointment. I am not trying to lower my fight or flight response. The maintenance / security folks finally approve of fixing the lock, and the really nice maintence guy came.

I keep blaming myself for the break-in and for not taking my backpack and wallet with me. I normally take it everywhere so that this never happens... The one time I don't do it... Ugh. I feel like this was a bit sabatogy on my part. Maybe I'm wrong.

I am still spinning, my heart racing. I did call one friend, but now I feel humiliated about being so panicky. I am also really suddenly scared my therapist has maybe read my posts and maybe that's why she hasn't texted... which is fairly unlikely and not harmful even if it did happen.

My mind is running away with me... but your responses are helping me slow down. Thank you so much for the support. It helps just to know I'm not alone.