Sexual Assault Was This Rape? I Couldn't Say No

[Kayle]

No always means no. An unsure yes should always mean no in a sexual scenario.

 

[The Albatross]

I have been put in situations where I felt like I could not say "no". With wise or adult mind I came to realize that it was not modeled for me and that I was groomed for victimhood. It was clear that certain sexual encounters "should have been" apparent that I did not want the contact... yet I had to work out for myself with self parenting and mentorship what I was lacking. Personally I chalked it up to bringing to my consciousness in bas relief the deficiency of my upbringing. For me that was more beneficial as I could endeavor to bring myself up to par and correct it. Though I am aware that others choose not to do so.

 

[Kayle]

I have been put in situations where I felt like I could not say "no". With wise or adult mind I ca...

I am by no means saying the way you reacted isn't an outcome of a learned coping mechanism.. I get that whole heartedly. Manipulative, scheming cowards prey on these things. This is one of the things I'm hyper aware of.. why nearly all interactions I have with strangers leaves me suspicious and paranoid.

 

[The Albatross]

Agreed. I was conditioned to a dysfunctional "familiar". I was conditioned to be an abuse victim and a door mat. I was conditioned to put myself in situations that would bring this to a crisis point where I could choose to or not ... to remedy this.

It was as a middle aged adult with mentorship when it dawned on me that the deficit was not actually mine... it was learned.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

No always means no. An unsure yes should always mean no in a sexual scenario.

New laws. One is to say that "YES" is consent. Anything else is not consent. Confusing in the change from legal issues of "NO." Rape charges and trial, did you fight? how much? Did you say NO? New thinking is the "Yes." Yes I agree, at what point then does a Yes become a No? Confusing is then when you say Yes to this and not Yes to that.

I don't think any of it is really confusing to the individual that does not want to respect basic signals. I wish I had the sharp teeth and snap of my dog. Yes you can sniff here, or there, or ENOUGH. STOP. GO AWAY. Consent with parameters. I chose she says. Yes and then NO.

Dogs understand this gender makes no difference. Except for the ones that do not respect and use force to ignore basic communication.

 

[Kayle]

New laws. One is to say that "YES" is consent. Anything else is not consent. Confusing in the chan...

Laws don't carry the weight of a paper clip when it's he said/she said.

Animalistic to the core.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Animalistic to the core.

And when the other is a physically overpowering? A paper clip

 

[Chava]

New laws. One is to say that "YES" is consent. Anything else is not consent.

It gets very confusing. My making out with a guy and letting him put his hands in my pants was usually fair "yes." Poor men should not have to ask us, "Wait, are you saying 'yes' right now as we are getting into it?" That's bullshit. But of course there is gray area. And I've had several encounters where I was not fighting yet I was not participating at all...I think that's a fair "NO." I just dissociated or worse, was drunk or passed out...could not say "no" or fight. But in the fuzzier sober times, especially where I had made out with a guy but then started dissociating and stopped participating as we went further, it's hard to sort out exactly where the guy was just blinded by his own needs and didn't realize I was checked out....had I said "stop it" I think it would have worked in a couple situations. I don't blame all guys for my dissociative gray areas. I actually dumped them when they questioned me and wanted to feel that I was participating...I was fine just letting them be happy, I liked other parts of the relationships.

Is there "Yes" and then possibly "No" a little further on? Absolutely. I never managed it personally. The assholes kept going through my spacing out. The good guys expected me to stay with them and so I dumped them. So...there is other stuff for me to work on...I'm happy neither way.

I'm spinning into too many topics here, but calling anything that doesn't come with a verbal affirmative "yes" a rape will never make good enough sense in the real world. I think there are great guys who clear that up beforehand. And I think it's great @theshadowoftheliving tried to set that boundary and was then taken advantage of.

 

[Stickler]

This guy was pretty masterful in manipulating you.

Seconded. Please to not blame yourself, he completely chose this, you told him to stop several times and he did not.
He knew what he was doing and did not care.
...freezing in terror is not consent!

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@theshadowoftheliving

I put myself there and now I'm horrified at my choice, which obviously led to me getting myself in trouble.

I say you have a right to live a life. And not be raped for living. You have the right to not condemn yourself for others actions against you, and should not condemn YOU.

Maybe the lingua franca ( linguafranca is a language or a mixture of languages used as a medium of communication by people whose native languages are different) person to person. It is clear communication on very absolute levels. YES or NO or at point of interaction should be I am Willing, I am not Willing. Everything else in life has limits from sports rules to sell by dates of veggies. What is not clear about this?

You are beating yourself up and questioning what you did wrong. Not what was done wrong to you.

 

[RussH]

I know I responded before but I just want to follow up with this. Some guys don't understand no unless it is followed up with a good right cross.

 

[The Albatross]

I still come from a sense of personally responsibility... if I don't adamantly defend "no" and acquiesce... it is a mixed message. If I don't take the actions necessary to remove myself from the situation... I am in a quite numerous group of younger women who have no frigging idea to handle these situations because it was not modeled. Unfortunate? Surely. Rape? I dunno, I dunno, I dunno... cuz in some instances I didn't say actively NO either. Others I did and it didn't matter I just got beaten up too.