Sexual Assault Was This Rape? I Couldn't Say No

[theshadowoftheliving]

Mulling this over for the last few days.

I recently met someone. Really really liked him. We went out for dinner and then he asked me to come back to his place. I told him flat out that I would for conversation, but didn't want to have sex. He gave me a lecture about how he believes in an affirmative yes and would never do anything that I didn't want to do. About how it was just so we could keep talking. I believed him.

Back at his place he ended up kissing me. That was okay. But then he wanted more and started to do more and I just froze. Lost track/dissociated/froze completely. At a few points I said I didn't want to do anything but he didn't listen and took my clothes off anyways. I didn't fight. I felt like I couldn't move, and he started to do sexual things to me that I didn't want.

He stopped short of intercourse and then just kept telling me how I wanted it and how I asked for it as I shook and cried.

What happened? Was I assaulted? I didn't ever say no - I couldn't say anything.

I'm just not sure what to think. And it doesn't matter. I've ready showered over and over. But now he won't stop calling even though I won't answer, and I'm scared because he knows where I live.

I don't know what to think.

Edited to add: I wasn't drinking. I made sure of that. But I had taken my meds and sometimes that makes me a little dizzy, so I'm not sure if that was a mistake on my part.

 

[shimmerz]

Same type of thing happened to me a couple of years ago. A guy was talking to me while I was smoking outside of a coffee shop, lured me to behind the building and pinned me against a wall. I completely froze. If he had led me to his car to god knows where, I would have followed - like a two year old.

I am not telling you this story to compare notes, but instead to validate you. You froze. You are where you are right now in your healing. With help you will learn how to break the freeze response. Please don't feel like you did the wrong thing. You did what your body responses required you to do at this time.

I would take this as a warning. You and men and dating are probably not a good idea right now. You may well be a target for the wrong guy. Please keep safe....

 

[RussH]

I cannot answer the question of whether it was rape or not, but it was diffidently something that you did not want, nor did you ask for it, so at the very least he violated your will, and your trust.
I would consider it sexual assault. I am sorry it happened.

 

[Neverthesame]

Please don't feel like you did the wrong thing. You did what your body responses required you to do at this time.

This.

At a few points I said I didn't want to do anything

If the woman I was fooling around with, said this to me. I would interpret that as a "No".

I felt like I couldn't move

There is no way that he didn't notice something was wrong. Consentual sex has lots of movement. It would be like foreplay with a mannequin. He would have to be literally from another planet not to pick up on that signal.

But now he won't stop calling even though I won't answer, and I'm scared because he knows where I live.

I would phone the police now, tell them that he's phoning you constantly and you are afraid of him. I don't know if they'll do anything, but I'd still try anyway.

If you don't want to do that. Is there someone you can stay with for a bit? Or maybe get a motel room?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@shimmerz Agreed. I've been single for almost a year and this was my first foray into trying to date again - now I remember why I was single. I'm so angry at myself that I even let myself get into the scenario ... I know myself well enough to know I might freeze. I should have just kept myself out of it.

There is no way that he didn't notice something was wrong. Consentual sex has lots of movement. It would be like foreplay with a mannequin. He would have to be literally from another planet not to pick up on that signal.

I think he might be from another planet; strong possibility on that one.

I just feel so so so stupid because he tricked me with all the "yes means yes" and "I believe in an affirmative yes" stuff. He gained my trust, and then just did what he wanted. I should have been smarter and not fallen for it.

 

[Kefira]

I'm sorry this happened and I can relate to not wanting to date/be close to people in case I freeze.

I agree this was assault and I want to stress it wasn't your fault. I'm also going to leave this here, because sometime the advice we need to listen to the most is our own given to others:

And yes, this is assault.

Not your fault. Sexual assault is always perpetrated by someone who wants power, over someone who does not have any. Freezing doesn't make it your fault at all - your body was protecting you against further harm.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Kefira Thank you. It's easier to give advice than to receive it. I'm trying to be okay with listening to the advice, but it's hard.

I don't want to admit that I was assaulted. That makes it real, and even though I would never tell another person this, it makes me feel morally wrong and morally degraded, physically filthy and bad.

I don't know why I let myself even go on the date in the first place. That person feels so different than the person I am right now. I can't even bring up the feelings and the thoughts that I had when I decided to go out with him. It doesn't feel like a decision I made, even though I know I made it.

I put myself there and now I'm horrified at my choice, which obviously led to me getting myself in trouble.

I'm so so so so so ashamed and I'm not sure how to tell my therapist tomorrow. The shame is just so overwhelming.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm so angry at myself that I even let myself get into the scenario ... I know myself well enough to know I might freeze. I should have just kept myself out of it.

Please don't be. Anger is energy and it takes so much away from the healing process. Unless it is anger at someone else.... the victimizer.

Personally I am angry at the douchebag piece of kak, garbage crap, sorry excuse for a human being that lied to you and took advantage. Care to share his address? :whistling::whistling::whistling: Maybe send him a gorgeous transvestite who himself will promise not to take advantage of him when he invites her up to his apartment? We just won't tell him about the transvestite part. That will be a secret..... that he can discover all by himself.

Just to be clear, that was not a diss against any type of sexual preferences. Just attempting to paint a picture that will switch up your mood. :D

 

[Chava]

I'm not in a position to label this really because I don't fully understand the gray area, but it sounds like he did take advantage of you, if not assault. I've been out with plenty of slimes. I've also had a couple nearly-exactly-the-same scenarios. In one we talked outright about not having sex on the first date. Well, we started making out, then when he went all the way I didn't tell him to stop but just kind of checked out. That's my pattern. Personally, I can't go to a guy's house on the first date. Hell no. That's not saying this is your fault. But don't be afraid to date (I say that, even though I avoid it pretty well)...but decide what boundaries you need ahead of time and don't budge.

Not long ago a guy wanted to cook dinner for me at his house on the 2nd or 3rd date. I asked if we could go for a walk instead. He "dumped" me (in quotes because we weren't really dating, I don't think, but he sure wanted to move things fast). So, f*ck him. The kind of guy who can't wait a minute and respect my boundaries or show interest in getting to know me better first isn't worth it.

Would it help you to call this assault or does that make it more confusing? I ask because when I had some gray area I had to sort out how much I could control. My choice to be in a guy's house does NOT give him permission to assault or rape me. Me being raped is NOT my fault. But for my own head I've had to tease out what kind of relationships I want and it's been hard because I've had to work backwards from being pretty promiscuous to deciding I suddenly want boundaries.

You did really good to talk about this (no sex on this date) and he was a f*ck head to disregard that. Please never see him again and do not answer the phone. If you're worried he'll show up can you send him a message that you don't want to see him again? Maybe he's a f*cking idiot and doesn't get it. They are out there for sure.

And when you feel safe to try dating again, bring this up....very smart of you to have that conversation and have those boundaries. But it's okay to refuse to go to their house...and if that's not good enough for them, they aren't worth your concern.

I forget, are you in therapy now? It's certainly something to talk about.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Chava Yes, I am in therapy. Brought it up yesterday, even though it was so, so hard.

I'm not sure if it makes it easier or harder to call it assault. I go back and forth between using those words to justify my reactions and wanting to avoid them because it makes it seem more real.

It just sucks mostly because it was almost exactly what happened ten years ago when I was raped ... I feel so, so stupid for letting the pattern repeat itself.

Cut today thinking about him and freaking out about not being able to forget it, and now I hate myself even more for cutting. This sucks.

 

[Chava]

Glad you were able to bring it up in therapy...it's really hard to physically talk about this stuff, so good step. Are there any distractions that could help with cutting urges? I know they aren't the same, but hopefully notice you need extra supports for yourself in place for now, and whatever you can think of. Sometimes I have to tape up limbs with compression tape, though I haven't heard if that's helpful to anyone else.

 

[seedling]

Sometimes the pattern does repeat itself. But it's not exactly the same and there are lessons is each repetition.
Try to find ways that you are responding in a more healthy way with this event than ten years ago. Don't discount small steps.

This guy was pretty masterful in manipulating you. Try to move beyond the "I should haves."

You can move forward through this and heal a whole lot more. Was your therapist helpful to you in dealing with it?

Hang in there. Be as kind to yourself as possible. Listen to yourself deep inside.